Saturday, August 3, 2013

Where's My Red Pen?

Good Morning Blog-Land!

It's been a million years since I've posted anything, but... I just want to celebrate my 10,000 page view! I never thought I'd have four people come back to my blog THAT MANY TIMES in a three year period! Y'all are awesome. 

Anyway, I'm sitting here at the car dealership, working very hard at ignoring anyone who calls, and amusing myself by perusing the personals ads in towns I might like to live in someday. I mean, really, cat ladies have got to get their priorities straight for new locales. Screw that job and apartment bullshit, I need a date! 

Right when I was about to give up on the prospect of finding a new and exciting internet fling and resign myself to being stuck forever with my 6'2", blond, physicist who dotes on me, I found this gem. I hope he isn't reading this right now because I think I just found a real catch!!


I am looking to start a long term relationship with a woman that is smart, funny witty and clever. And doesn't believe in commas.  A woman that enjoys going out (still doesn't like commas) has a passion for film, <-- ooh, found one music lost it again and good beer. If you were a real hipster you'd have an appreciation for PBR too. And ironic glasses. A woman that wants to hold hands and go for a walk on a cool damp fall night. You live in the desert, are you whisking me away on your private jet to find a "damp" night? A woman that wants to be [both] romantic in public but longs and needs to be submissive behind closed doors. Only if you promise to talk in the run-on sentence style you write in. ItoldyouyouwerebeingabadgirlnowI'mgoingtohavetopunishyou. Oh yes! Also, I would consider revising the sentence as the word in brackets requires an agreeing clause to go with it. Your sentence would be fine if you just took it out. Are you that woman? Probably not, but for the sake of argument, let's just continue this discussion.

I am a 28 year old white man with a full time job and my own car. Can you say that in all one breath? Also, is your job at a law firm or McDonalds? I could have a full-time (check out that hyphen I threw in there, see how smart I am?) job at Sonic and drive an Oldsmobile Firenza, but that's not really saying much. I am about 6' and way 175 lbs My eye is twitching... WAAYYYY. I have black hair and brown eyes and have no problem meeting women You mean that you're discovered the secret of "Hi, my name is..."? AMAZING!, but I have found that I am not meeting the type of women I would like GOD DAMN IT USE A FUCKING COMMA so I have come to Generic Dating Site in the hopes of finding the right woman for me. You mean the type that won't walk away the minute you meet them?

If you think this is you please feel free to drop me a line with a picture and some info about your self. How about I just include a copy of The Only Grammar Book You'll Ever Need and a 900 number where you can talk to Bambi who would love to hear about what a bad girl she's been. Please put lobos as your heading so that I know you are in fact a real person and have read my ad. Oh, I read it alright. I think I need to go and cuddle my Thesaurus and take a minute to breathe.

Okay Lobos,

I'm just going to say I don't think our relationship is going to work out. You want to be able to be the assertive Dom in our relationship, and I hate to tell you this, but I wouldn't be able to follow your direction. I mean, I probably wouldn't even be able to figure out what you were trying to tell me to do, let alone feel any inclination to comply. Good luck out there though, I hope you'll be able to find someone both stimulating and compatible. (See that both in there? Oh yeah).

Best regards,

Future Crazy Cat Lady

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Home Town Boys

Hi im Insert Manly Name Here! Just moved to Future Cat Lady's Home Town a few months back. Im 24yrs old,5'11, about 140lbs,hazel eyes and if you must know im 8 & 1/2 inches thick&cut! about 9" when im really fired up :)
Im looking for a kool chick who'd be down for some gnarly NSA/FWB'S fun...
Im looking for a LONG TERM friends with benefits kinda thing if possible...
Do to my high stamina/sex drive I prefer long term fwb's as long as you can fight the urge to wanna marry me we're friends for a good long time :)
you're just kinda renting me for free whenever you need me lol you can pick me up,take me home,have your way with me and receive nothing short of a pleasure hurricane like no other has to offer! hit me up! :) "words of a conceited man" you say? LET ME PROVE YOU WRONG! ;)
Im 42o friendly as well and love to have a good laugh around a roasting bowl...you'll see getting to know me is fun as Im honest,interesting and just a funny joker :)
here's some pics... i put a super old one so you can see my body as well ;)
the ones with the mario shirt are very recent though!!!


Put "World of Nintendo" in your reply subject so i know you are real.
and send me a pic or two :)
IF THE ADS STILL UP,IM STILL LOOKING :)


Dear Mario,

Wow. I am impressed. That was an amazing ad to read. And so bold too. Posting half-naked photos of yourself (including your face) in a town of little more than 3,000 people indicates that your balls might be as large as you're advertising your, uh, manhood to be. (Just so you know, we locals from those parts recognize 9/10 of the people we see every single time we go into town). I totally dig that you included your cock's above-average measurements in the very first paragraph of your ad. Showed some real class and pride there. Why mention that you're smart, funny, or attractive in your "getting to know me" paragraph, just jump exactly to what every woman reading an internet personal ad is looking for: the cock! I know in my experience it's always size that matters. I've never EVER cared about skill or ability to pleasure your partner. It's just length and girth. (Although, what does it mean to have "cut" junk? Do you do strength training exercises with it? Are you using the 'roids?) Seriously though, I often enjoy being told that information upon the first handshake. Maybe we should just start having men change their names to dimensions to save time. Or, instead of shaking hands, you could just drop your pants at the word "hi". 

I also really like that I'd have to pick you up for our meetings, take you to my house, and resist wanting to marry you. Spoken like a true resident of Future Cat Lady's Home Town. Nobody that has ever lived there could ever resist a man with no car, no house, and no desire for commitment. It's the song of our people. The fact that you threw in wearing your NINTENDO pajamas in the afternoon on top of it was like gasoline to the lust inferno growing in my naughty bits. Talk about "pleasure hurricane"!! Although, what would that be like? It sounds messy, with arms and legs flailing all over the place. I don't have health insurance right now, and I doubt you do, so maybe we should keep it to a pleasure "gentle breeze" or something. The last thing I want is to have pieces of my front porch flying through my bedroom while I'm letting a 24 year old attempt to f*ck me better than any other man. Allow me my doubts on this one, I'm sure there's something to be said about enthusiasm, but... yeah... I'm not sure all the R+R+^+Y is really going to get me going.

Anyway, after reviewing your photos, I have to tell you that I am extremely excited about inviting an emaciated, non-driving, pot-smoking, inexpensive, homeless man with no regard for spellcheck or commitment into my life. It's like I never moved away. Maybe we could skip the sex entirely and you'd just let me blow you while you played Mario Kart in the living room. Just don't hit me in the back of the head with your bong, I hate that. 

I can't wait to talk about this. Maybe we can meet in the arcade of one of the two pizza parlors in town and discuss it over a game of Mortal Kombat. I'll let you choose which one we go to, it's been a few years since I lived there, and the popular pizza parlor always changes every couple years.

Talk to you soon!

Future Crazy Cat Lady

PS... as you can see, you've really tapped into something I've admitted to lusting after for years...
http://phoame.blogspot.com/2012/02/sexiest-lines-part-three-my-kryptonite.html

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Yet Another Way Dating Just Makes The Crazy Happen

After a certain amount of time in a serious relationship, women almost always reach the point where they are ready to cohabitate. To nest, as it were. If they don't, they are probably not in a relationship with someone they see as a long-term partner. Women are a dormant explosion of floral arrangements and doilies on the couch just waiting for a man (or woman) to come along and spring the timer into action. I have heard that there are men out there who are excited by the idea of domestic bliss, but, like men with feelings,  these are just urban legends created to instill hope in the hearts of women who have nothing more to come home to than the occasional hairball and a reproachful look for not topping off the food dish before leaving for work. 



This movement in relationships stuff is the sort of thing that is important to women. We're all about the "taking the relationship to the next level" shit. Some of us could be having the most mind-altering sex in the entire world and would still be thinking about how we were going to progress this relationship. The man is, of course, merely ecstatic about being able to put his penis in his girlfriend. Those of us who have experienced that scenario should probably start reading articles on living in the moment and taking up self-enriching meditation, but whatever. Obviously the Dhali Lama never had to worry about how to get his S.O. to make room in the dresser.


Men don't want things to change. If things are good, why fix it? Unless it's souping up that beater car he's had in the garage for the last thirteen years, then by all means, fix the shit out that! Change could put them into something they don't like. Or something bad that happened to them before could happen again!! That's SCARY!! And, it's a trap. Once you make that decision, there's no turning back. Ever. Moving in together is the Alcatraz of relationships! Once you're in there, you're in there for life! You couldn't possibly re-evaluate and try something else.




Many women want to live with their partners for a variety of reasons. These could be practical like saving money by splitting the expenses, or emotionally fulfilling by having romantic companionship and being able to explore life with someone. Or perhaps it's having someone to dissect their first impression of you from the first time they saw you.  At one in the morning, while they're trying to go to sleep, when they have a meeting in the morning. We are genetically geared to find someone to share our lives with. Even the most reclusive (yours truly) of the XX chromosomes crave the comfort of belonging in a home. Of actually having a home base to operate from. We get all squishy about that crap. And "his" and "hers" towels. We dig those too. Many men often see this situation as the inevitable restriction of being able to enjoy things they love, being forced to give up all hobbies except for what they can do as a couple while discussing feelings at all times, and losing any sense of privacy they have left. They also see the potential for being responsible for someone else's happiness and well-being. Living together means that she no longer has any need of friends or family, she's got a MAN! 





At this point the relationship has now hit a standoff. Girl wants to live with Guy and snuggle at night, take family photos with the cats, pick out matching sheet sets, have dinner together and all that stuff. Guy enjoys doing those things with Girl, but this is a COMMITMENT. He is resistant to agreeing to such a thing. There is so much for him to do in life! He needs to catalog his beer collection, finish painting the house, re-floor the living room, and all sorts of things that having Girl around 24/7 would Get. In. The. Way. Of!!! She wouldn't be helpful, she would suck the life out of him! She might prove to be a lazy, selfish, awful, AWFUL girlfriend! Why can't they just stay the way they are? Forever. Unfortunately, once the "I need to be with you full-time" time-bomb goes off, it can't easily be swept under the rug. It's a gnawing little beast that takes on a life of its own as it gets stronger and stronger. Conversations go from, "how was your day?" to "Are we going to live together yet?" in a matter of seconds. 


After the Cohabitation Monster has reared its ugly head, Guy and Girl have two choices: they can go their separate ways and try to find a relationship that works for what they want, or they can figure out a way to live together and see how it goes. There is a small section of people who will try multiple other scenarios (polyamory, living next door to each other, etc), but those are often the choices after the failure of the two most common solutions. Generally, if the couple goes with option A, they will often get back together shortly. The two people are in love (or at least full of the hormones that stimulates the love thing) and enjoy being around each other. It will normally take two or three go-rounds for them to realize that they have to completely sever contact, or they will go with Option B and move in together.



Once the couple moves in together there will be a short period (anywhere from a few months to a couple years) where they will be in honeymoon stage and ecstatic and whatnot. Redecorating will happen, they will do everything together, everything is exciting and covered in fairy dust. They will cute the shit out of dinner parties until their friends don't even want them around anymore. Then,  provided they haven't bred, after a certain amount of time, they will slowly go back to their normal behavior. Breeding causes another variable to be introduced to the equation and who knows what will happen. If no breeding has happened, Guy will go back to being able to play in his man-cave with his toys and drink beer with his friends and basically do whatever he wants. He will play with his computer and memorize the periodic table while taking yodeling classes. Girl will go back to hanging out with her friends, going to her groups, and talking about her feelings with people who actually want to hear about them. She will return to her fitness habits and will go on trips to see family members that he would rather chew his arm off than sit in the same room with. They are exactly the way Guy wanted things to be. Exactly how it was before they moved in together, except they now touch feet while falling asleep (as cuddling is way too warm) and bills are less detrimental to the paycheck.

This is a common scenario, most of you know exactly what I'm talking about. I have hit this point in perhaps three relationships. Obviously, I've always chosen option A, but there are those who have actually found someone they love being around, or at least they enjoy the cheaper living situation. And then, after all the struggle, after all the discussions, the fighting, the negotiating, the fear of being smothered in love... this is the most common thing I've heard from men after moving in with their girlfriends:







Sunday, June 2, 2013

My Very Own Yoni Massage!!

Hmm, it seems it's been another long chunk of time since I've put anything on here. You poor neglected souls. I feel your pain. 

I have a secret though... I have a cartoon or three in the works for you.

But, not today. No my friends, not today. Today I have something special for you. Something.... spiritual. I might end up hiring a masseur. 

"Experienced Tantric Offering Yoni Massage Leading to SQUIRTING"

I am an experienced Tantric that has been practicing tantra for the past 15 years. I have a very soothing and gentle touch that is very healing. I am offering a free platonic Yoni Massage. Guaranteed SQUIRTING and this will clear all your passages and will cleanse and purify your body and soul. 
Serious inquiries only please and be disease free or don't reply.

  
Dear Experienced Tantric

I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am to follow-up on your advertisement in the personals!! You wouldn't believe how difficult it is to find a gentle and soothing professional to massage my lady bits! Let alone a cost-effective option! Can't beat free!!

In addition to your prices, I am impressed with your guarantee. From what I've heard, it's really a maximum of 60% (high number), although most quote around 20%, of women who are able to participate in such a cleansing experience. How do you do such a thing? Are you saying that I too could experience the indescribable joy of spraying a strange man in the face with my bodily fluids that professionals are still trying to figure out what it is comprised of? How scintillating!

I am very excited to get started in my treatment, but I have a few questions I wanted to ask you. I can't claim to be very well-versed in the art of Yoni Stimulation, so please, bear with my ignorance. Do you provide assistance with my cleansing? I hear that these purification moments can be messy (especially as it clears ALL my passages). Perhaps your massage studio is equipped with waterproof sheets? Large handkerchiefs? I'm not sure what else we would need. Are you considered very knowledgeable in the field of Yoni Massage? Do you have a list of references that I can peruse from your extensive 15 year career? Do you have a Yelp? I would hate to allow an amateur to massage my pink parts, after all. 

Another thing that confuses me about your generous and self-sacrificing offer is the disease thing. Should I be free of all diseases, or just girlie-bit diseases? Do you consider chicken pox a disease I should be clear of? I mean, once you get that you're stuck with it for life! How is your massage supposed to be healing if there's nothing to be healed?

On the subject of your massage, is it manual massage? Or do you bring in accessories? Do you wear gloves? Does latex impede the healing factor of your massage? I often hear men complaining about latex getting in the way of "healing massage" in the southern regions. Should I take supplements to facilitate the cleansing of my passages?

Anyway, I'm really excited to schedule our massage. I hope you can fit me into your busy schedule. I can only imagine how many women are dying to have their junk massaged by a strange man off the internet with no use for commas. How long should I plan on scheduling? Do you schedule by 30 or 60 minute increments? With a guarantee like yours I can imagine you have a few different scheduling availabilities. Is it safe to exercise after Yoni Massage?

I can't wait to hear back from you!

Sincerely,

Your Future Crazy Cat Lady

Saturday, January 19, 2013

How To Find Financially Stable Men Who Want Babies


I've got nothing...


Looking for a financially stable man who wants a baby ~ 30 yr old Female

I am a white woman interested in having a baby with a man who is financially stable. Maybe you have focused on your career and now want to have a pregnant girlfriend and start a family. Maybe you just didn't find the right woman. Let me know what you think. 

Dear Miss Right,

What an unusual concept. I'm quite shocked that you are a female that is a) interested in having children and b) wanting to have said children with a FINANCIALLY STABLE man. How novel! Most of the women I know are looking for a man living in his parents' basement with which to procreate. Bonus points if he is an actor or a professional online poker player! I think you are on your way to discovering an untapped resource! With an internet ad!! On a free, public forum!

I can't tell you how many of my male friends have come to me with this problem. They've spent their entire adult lives focusing on their career and providing themselves with the means to lead a comfortable life, but then, at the ripe, old age of 30, can't find a woman who would like to have a baby with them. Without being married. If I had a nickel for every time I hear, "Phoebe, I'm at a loss. I keep meeting all these independent, self-sufficient women who want to have a happy and fulfilling relationship and get married before having children. I don't understand why I can't find a woman who will let me support her and have children with me without any thoughts towards how the foundation of our relationship will provide the platform from which our children will be raised and learn values and how to treat others!" I would be a millionaire! Or at least be able to afford a cup of coffee out of the expensive vending machine at work! You know the one I'm talking about, the one with the flavors and the steamed "milk". MmmmmMMMMMmmmmm. 

In all seriousness, Miss Right, I really think you're on to something. But, how will you go about arranging this? Are there specific qualities you want your children to have? Hair color? Eye color? Ethnic background? Will the two of you have fertility/genetic testing done prior to your first meeting? You know, to make sure that neither of you are carriers of anything? (www.counsyl.com is pretty impressive if you're looking for getting screened for every disorder you've never even heard of before). Perhaps your first date could be at a perinatologist's office for a joint genetic counseling session! Or maybe getting your hormone levels checked/semen analysis in a nice sterile lab environment. Wouldn't want to start a relationship with a man who has slow swimmers, if you know what I mean. What a bummer that would be! And, I'm sure he would be horrified to learn that you had premature ovarian failure. Perhaps you should get an AMH, aka anti-mullerian hormone, level done too just to make sure your egg reserves are still good. While 36 is still considered the earliest of ages to start worrying about fertility, you can never be too careful! Especially when everything in your relationship is based on his finances and your child-bearing capabilities. On second thought, maybe you two should skip meeting altogether until your Ob/Gyn and his accountant meet up and make sure everything is a go.

Anyway, I really should go. I've got to get this damned IUD removed and start posting on the internet so I can find me a financially stable man too! Here I thought just living as a responsible member of society would eventually find me a comfortable relationship...

Good luck out there! 

Your Future Crazy Cat Lady

P.S. Can't wait to see your future offspring in group therapy!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

I Wish I Was Real

What's up Blog? Long time, no talk. Here we are, a new year, a new plethora of eager dating enthusiasts, and me. You remember me, right? You know, your local, resident cat lady? I know I've neglected you recently, you know, for the last year or so, BUT I am back and determined to give you the attention you deserve. Where are you all going to learn about good dating practices, what women REALLY mean when they say something, or how to survive as a somewhat insane owner of multiple felines that do, in fact, hate you? Here, that's where! And I'll be trying to keep up on my posts, with or without acceptable grammar!

Okay, enough of that! On to today's special post.

I'm feeling especially cantankerous this afternoon. What I'd really like to do is rant about rude people in lines and how tired I am of being squashed between two people on the sidewalk; however, I feel that that would leave you somewhat dissatisfied, if not completely let down. Like I deceived you with the sweet, sweet promise of a new blog post only to have you discover an overwritten Facebook post in its place. I might as well just attach a picture of what I ate for lunch (it was delicious) and my cat doing "duck face". Have no fear! I found someone worthy of my blog. And without too much effort at that. 

Today's special guest is a lovely woman from one of my favorite dating forums who posted this charming note today:

BBWs are REAL women


Im not hot or gorgeous. . ..I don't have an amazing body or flat tummy. . .I'm not a supermodel. . .But I am REAL

I'm ME, I eat real food, I have curves. . .I may have more padding than I need. . .I have "MOM" scars and a history. . ..

Sum people love me, some people hate me. . .I've done good and I've done bad. . .

I love my P.J's and my teddy bear, I sumtimes go without make up. . .I'm random and crazy, Im honest and straight forward. . ..I never pretend to be someone I'm not, I am who I am

Love me or don't, but I won't change, you need to love me for me. . .BUT. . ..if I love you it will be with all my heart, loyalty and soul. . .I make no apologies for being REAL and being ME. . ... 

REAL men will know what this means and understand, hope to hear from you 

Now, don't get me wrong. I love me a REAL woman... but... SERIOUSLY?!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Non-Imaginary Woman From an Undisclosed Location:

Congratulations! I am incredibly impressed with your knowledge of your existence. So many people battle with this thought process in their lives and you are SO sure of your "realness" (for lack of a better term) that you can repeat it, with absolute certainty, multiple times. As for me, personally, I often find myself questioning the reality of the situations I find myself in. Are we really here? Are we just in a dream that we'll wake up from when we "die" or perhaps go into another dream, and so on and so forth. How can I be sure that this is real? And then there's the all-important question: What is "real"? I was pondering on this thought this morning when I nosed around on this (unnamed) dating forum and found your post. It was like a heavenly light, shining down from the grey skies, showing me the answer to the question that has been plaguing me all my life. All I needed to do was look through the thousands of posts of women taking downward-angled, camera-phone photos of themselves after an unfortunate spray-tan incident to find this, rather eloquent, definition of reality.

"BBWs are REAL women". Am I not real? Does my lack of natural curves make my vagina somehow a fictitious part of my anatomy? Did I make the whole thing up? I'm so confused. (I'm not even going to start wondering where my last sexual partner put his penis if my girlie bits aren't actually there...). Not only that, but if I had an imaginary vagina I would imagine it to be a hell of a lot prettier! Also, if I'm reading your definition correctly, you cannot be real if you are hot, gorgeous, flat-stomached, are nuliparous, or don't have a history. Well, at least I have one claim to the elusive realness! I hate to break it to you, but I don't know anyone who doesn't have a history. Even a dull one. It's not like we just burst into the world as fully-formed, gorgeous, childless, adult women with flat stomachs, fabulous hair, and the curves of a 2x4 (since apparently you can only have curves if you're real). 

I don't think you're quite seeing what you wrote, so I'm going to offer you how your ad might come across to some people. I am SURE this isn't what you meant, since you wouldn't have a reason to be flat-out insulting to a large group of (fictitious) women who never said anything bad to, or about, you. Would you?

BBWs are REAL women. Skinny Bitches are fake hookers


Im not hot or gorgeous. I have low self-esteem and think it's everyone else's fault . ..I don't have an amazing body or flat tummy. I don't feel like exercising and don't want to feel guilty about this . .I'm not a supermodel.supermodels are fake bitches . .But I am REAL All those other things are obviously fake. My realness negates my lack of motivation for self-improvement.

I'm ME, (Who else would you be? I'm certainly not you) I eat real food,vegetables are for pussies! I have curves. I may or may not have them where you expect them . .I may have more padding than I need. this is internet code for being large . .I have "MOM" scars and a history.  . ..I can mean one of two things here: I either have an overabundance of stretch marks from my pregnancies and a long story to go with them, OR I have mommy issues and it's a long story that I will tell you after drinking too many daiquiris when you really don't want to know.

Sum people love me, I know this, I added them all up some people hate me I didn't add them up, they don't count. . .I've done good and I've done bad. . .  Look! I'm completely normal!

I love my P.J's and my teddy bear, I am still figuring out how to dress myself and own stuffed animals for some reason... pointing towards option #2 on my "MOM scars" I sumtimes go without make up I've added up every time I've done it too. . .I'm random and crazy, Im honest and straight forward I don't believe in hyphenation or apostrophes. . ..I never pretend to be someone I'm not, I've never gotten away with fraud I am who I am I love Popeye! 

Love me or don't, If you don't, you're obviously fake but I won't change,I don't think people should ever change. EVER. you need to love me for me since if men love women who are thin/fit/pretty/motivated it's obviously just because of their looks. . .BUT. . ..if I love you it will be with all my heart, loyalty and soul as opposed to all those other chicks who only like you for what they can get from you. . .I make no apologies (I know what you're asking yourself: How did she spell "apologies" correctly while completely raping the correct form of words and use of punctuation everywhere else?)  for being REAL Have I mentioned I exist? REALLY!! and being ME. Not you, but ME . ... 

REAL men will know what this means and understand, hope to hear from you  If you don't want to talk to an angry woman who hates other women because how they look without ever talking to them and is completely disinterested in improving herself in any way (and hates vegetables) then you are obviously a mirage. 

Perhaps you should consider your phrasing so that you are not implying that you are superior to other women in every sentence. I can only assume that that's exactly what you are upset about happening to you, yet you feel it is somehow more appropriate to "hate" on the skinny bitches. It's the same fucking thing, Chick!  I am not trying to attack you because of your curviness, or lack of spelling/grammar. What I'm trying to convey here, my incredibly real XX friend, is that women are beautiful whether they're curvy, round, flat, square, or anything in between. Because you perceive the world to be attacking you because of your curves, does not mean that it actually is. Your post is defensive from the get-go and suggests that anyone who is different than you is "fake". Your wording pushes the readers to infer that you are somehow superior to them because of nothing more than your "realness". You suggest that men who are attracted to women who are different than you are fake and wrong. It is being done in exactly the same way as you're implying they do to you. Revel in your curves, love how beautiful you are! Own that shit! But don't put other people down to make yourself feel like you're better than them. That makes you no better than whoever did that to you to make you feel this way in the first place. The world doesn't owe you anything, we're all a bunch of assholes thrown together and being forced to get along to keep things from coming to a grinding halt.

That being said, I'm going to take my fake tits and fluffed hair out of here. I might go to the gym on my way to the salad bar where I will order a crouton and one slice of lettuce that I will just throw up later anyway. 

All the best,

Your pissed off future cat lady

P.S. Could you please send me some of your "real food" recipes? I'd love to know what it tastes like.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

The Honesty! It's Overwhelming!

I've begun to think that one of the big mistakes I've made in my life is to not be more honest with people. We all know what we feel, and yet often we don't tell others, either because we are embarrassed or because we don't want to hurt their feelings. Well, I'm at a point where I feel that my desires must have reasons of their own that I should not question, and my overwhelming desire is to meet a sweet, curvy, pretty, kind woman with really, really big natural breasts. It turns me on in a way nothing else does, and I just have to respect that fact. I want true love, I want to have great sex, I want to have kids some day, and I want to do it with a woman who turns me on like crazy. I don't just want to settle for whoever is nearby, I want what I want. My body knows things that my mind can't understand. I know I should be going on and on about a bunch of personal details, so: I'm tall, caucasian, handsome, look great for my age, have a decent job, educated, in good shape, well-read, and well-endowed. Race, age, eye color, and all that are not super important to me, I'm more interested in finding a sweet woman who is super busty, not uptight, and is ready for a person who is trying to be honest about it. Don't hate! Send a picture. I'll send one back. 

Dear Honest Man,

Gee whiz! Your honesty is amazing! I have been searching far and wide for a man who likes great sex and women with big breasts, especially a combination of the two! I always find men looking for flat-chested prudes. Oh the disappointment! You, on the other hand, are so unique in looking for an attractive, nice woman who is curvy and likes to get down between the sheets, I don't even know what to think about this! I think I need to send you my phone number right now! And a picture... Of my breasts!!!

Another thing I'm constantly let down on is not finding men who are willing to tell me about their penis sizes on their initial dating ad! You are a gem, my friend! An absolute gem! Often I have to beg and plead with strange men on the internet to get a clue about their naughty bits. I never EVER get photos of the male genitalia without first requesting and sometimes bribing the owner of the bits. I am relieved that you are willing to own up to being well-endowed right from the get-go. We XX chromosomes are often so concerned with penis size. It's a known fact that we like to know  your "size" before we know your name or see a picture of your face!

Anyway, I just wanted to take a minute to send you a heartfelt response for your honesty. I am *so* glad you are aware that you are the only man who is honest about these desires and needs you're experiencing. It is a good thing that you are so aware of what we have to deal with all the time. Men pretending they like our personalities, smiles, EYE COLORS (who looks at those anyway?)... what man could possibly mean those words? It is so much better to have a man come out and tell us that he just wants us to be nice, like to fuck, and have big NATURAL breasts! I hope you don't mind that I'm going to be kicking these puppies up the stairs in a few years after gravity takes effect. It happens. Since you're going the natural route, I won't even have the option to do anything about that. Hope you like looking at these babies out of the bra. Once I get anywhere close to your age you're going to be looking closer to my navel than my sternum. Doesn't that sound fun??

I can't wait to finally get rid of all my breast-reducing sports bras I've been forced to wear for the last several years in the hopes of catching a man. 

I look forward to hearing from you,

Your future cat lady

PS... please include proof of your penis size. You may photograph it next to a ruler, or perhaps a vegetable or fruit. I want to be sure you're being honest about your "stature" as well as your desires

Saturday, October 13, 2012

A Scavenger Hunt

Does anyone actually read the things they post on these sites? Today I found:

Its a really nice warm day. I'm heading over to (name withheld) park and I'd love for you to join me if you're looking to meet a cute guy this afternoon...... We could have some beers, people watch, or just hangout in the park....Email me and I'll give you some hints (kinda like a scavenger hunt) on who I am. I'll be by myself -- cute white male, brown hair, very fit and slim body, educated, fun, have style, and very flirty with the right girl. 

I'm not exactly sure what to think about this. Did he not think about what he was writing? Do women actually answer to these things? I think it's time to translate to how this would be read by a normal(ish), sane (occasionally), woman.

Its a really nice warm day. The sun is shining. It is easier to stare at women wearing skimpy clothes when the weather is like this. I'm heading over to (name withheld) park  I'm going to go to a prime location where it is highly likely women are either a) jogging or b) sun-tanning. This will optimize the likelihood of me adding to my spank-bank while pretending to read the Economist or War and Peace while seated on an appropriately distanced bench down the way and I'd love for you to join me if you're looking to meet a cute guy this afternoon.... You should come meet a strange man of questionable character/attractiveness in a secluded wilderness area where people are only around at random intervals We could have some beers with or without Rohypnol, your choice, people watch though the bushes, or just hangout in the park.... behind the hedge, while you're gagged and tied to a tree.

Email me and I'll give you some hints (kinda like a scavenger hunt) on who I am. Tall, brunette, live with my parents I'll be by myself  as usual-- cute just ask my mom. white male, brown hair, very fit if you compare me to my friends in the D&D group and slim body I haven't worked out in my life, educated reading helps me forget the fact that I haven't been within five feet of a real woman in six months, fun my cats think I'm hilarious, have style Sheldon stole everything from me, and very flirty with the right girl or any girl. Whether she wants it or not. 




I can't help but be excited by this though... 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Park Enthusiast,

I just wanted to shoot you a quick note regarding your ad from earlier this afternoon. Hopefully you'll get this in time to send me the first clue for our little game. Maybe you can send me a cell-phone pic of the park bench you're standing near. Or maybe one of you with a nylon stocking over your face peeking out from behind the tree next to the bench? That is so hot. I know when I'm bored on a Saturday afternoon I often look for unknown men posting on public forums for women to meet them in secluded areas before something like, I don't know... coffee? Public handshake? It's so exciting!

I am most excited about the idea of a scavenger hunt! I LOVE games. I love games almost more than I love lists (and I loooooooove lists). Is there a prize? Will I find a gold coin at the end of the scavenger hunt? Or are you the prize? If you're the prize, do I get to keep you? I mean, I would've won you fair and square. This makes me all giddy! Like Elmira when sighting a new kitty!! I'm not so sure on the storage of that though. I mean, full-grown men are fairly large, and I really don't know where I'd keep one should I win one. With two cats and a full sewing set-up, things are kind of crowded in my apartment. Although, I think I might have room under my bed for you. It has risers so it has a bit of space under there next to the old suitcases I can't bring myself to throw away. You said you were slim, didn't you? I'm sure I could tuck you under there without too much difficulty when I go to work. I'll probably have to duct tape your arms and legs down though so I can slide you under there easily. Don't worry, I'll be sure to leave you a dish of water and some sort of entertainment. Do you like the movie Pride and Prejudice? (I personally like the six hour version on replay). I can't promise you food though. Not because I want to starve you, but because I don't keep that stuff in my house. Yuck. 

I am SO excited! I can't wait to start our game. As soon as I find my stun-gun I'm going to head out in your direction. Can't wait for the first hint! This is going to be so much fun!

See you soon!!

Future Crazy Cat Lady

P.S. Would you consider yourself more of a speed or a distance runner?

Sunday, September 30, 2012

But I Can Love You!

I thought I loved someone, she would say she cared for me, but I found out that she was repeatedly sleeping around with several guys. Even bringing one back home when I was still there and acted like it wasn't a big deal. My heart has been completely crushed and she still thinks I'm overreacting as if it didn't matter somehow. Needless to say, her ass is gone now.


I need someone in my life that isn't so selfish and ungrateful. Someone that actually wants a real loving relationship rather than just a free ride. Someone that cares about others feelings. Someone that when things go wrong understands and tries to make things better. Is that so much to ask for?

Dear Crushed Heart,

I was sitting here combing through the personal ads (it's been a while, I admit) and I saw your post. I hope I'm not too late in my reply and find you have already been swept up by the droves of women that are sure to have already responded to your completely appealing ad.

I've been waiting a very long time for a man to ask me to become involved in a serious relationship with him after first telling me about how awful his ex was. That never happens. It makes my heart feel all mushy inside to know that I could shoulder the burden of all the things she did to you before we've even had sex for the first time. That is extremely arousing to me, by the way. I mean, there's something so indescribably alluring about a man's come-on line that goes something along the lines of, "I'm extremely angry that I got treated poorly by a girl I was involved with and can't wait to get into a new relationship where I will emotionally bludgeon my new girlfriend for all the crimes of the ex." It makes me get all misty... well... not in my eyes, if you know what I mean. *wink wink* 

I can tell it's important to you that I show you how much I care about you and your feelings so you will know you're going to be in safe hands. In order to do this with us not knowing each other very well, or at all, I will make sure to cover all topics in your note. In list form, of course. (I do love the lists).


  •  I can tell from your post that you dated someone who wanted a "free ride" so you will of course expect me to pay for everything for both of us. No problem, I find that hot. I can't wait for you to get angry about how she made you always pay for dinner and then refuse to pay for anything you and I eat. Even when I'm not hungry and you just want a snack. I got ya! It's all good, order an extra pretzel from that cart!
  •  You are looking for someone who cares about other people's feelings? I know what that means, and don't you worry your pretty little head about me being self-centered in that department. I am quite willing to put any needs and desires I have on hold so as not to appear focused on my own feelings. We will do nothing but stroke your ego and talk about how fantastic you are. In fact, any time I have a bad day or am not feeling so hot, why don't you immediately blow up about how all I do is bitch about stuff and never listen to you. Then I'll apologize profusely and give you a foot rub.
  • You want someone who likes making it better when things go wrong? Shit yeah! I am there, man! By "wrong" I know you're referring to when I'm being incredibly selfish and irrational by wanting to do something other than watch your TV shows, and go hang out with your friends, and eat what you want to eat, and do what you want to do. Have no fear my future love! I will fix that shit right up. In fact, I will install a comment box in the hallway next to our bedroom (for anonymous comments of course) so that you (or some other nameless member of this relationship) can leave constructive criticism on how things can be improved between us. Let the understanding begin, Babe!!
Remember, it is NOT too much to ask for! She made you feel like shit! And the rest of us XX's are out here to make YOU feel better about how YOUR relationship with SOME OTHER GIRL sucked. How soon can we begin courtship? Perhaps I could help you box up some of her belongings to move them out of your house? Or we could keep them and I can incorporate them into my wardrobe and lifestyle so I will seem more like her while you base everything to do with us on your experiences with her. I'm sure you can tell that I am incredibly excited to get this relationship started. 

Can't wait to hear from  you!

Sincerely,

Your Future Crazy Cat Lady

P.S. In your response, please include the top 45 things that pissed you off during your relationship with her so that I can prepare myself for what I'm going to be making up for. Xoxo

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Letters From My "Fans"

I'm bored. I illustrated my new blog cover photo (that's right! Appreciate that shit!!) and now I'm out of things to do. Then I realized that I haven't checked the e-mail account linked to this blog in a few months so I figured I'd get in there and see what might have come across the interwebs. I was hoping maybe Mr. Abromowitz from Canada stopped by and said hello. As my wedgie boy post still gets between 10-15 hits a week even though it's over a year and a half old, I have this feeling you're still peeking at it, Walt. You naughty boy, you.


Anyway, back to my e-mail inbox. The first e-mail I got was from someone wanting me to include links to their new online dating site in my blog.


Really, Laura? You were "reading" my blog and thought that I might be the person to go to for references for dating sites? You and Walt must be on the same page with thinking that I could POSSIBLY be the person to go to for any sort of reference for sex or dating. I'm a fucking CAT LADY. But whatever, I would love to write a post about your dating site! I'm not exactly sure it would say anything you'd really like potential customers to read, but I would be thrilled to talk about your site. I love dating sites.


The next e-mail I got was what I was really confused by. It made absolutely no sense. I mean, I could understand why Laura would think I would have anything to do with internet dating. There are a lot of tags to internet dating on my blog. While sending out searches of e-mail addresses to spam... er... send heartfelt messages to, I can see how I would pop up on there. Hell, I'm even willing to do it (provided she's not an internet robot trying to sell me web-cam sex. I can get that anywhere). But Christine sent me an interesting note about her weight loss app. 


Oh here, you guys just read it:


Hi Future cat lady,

I was reading your blog today and wonder you could give me an opinion on a diet/fitness app I'm making right now ?

For me, I think the problem with being healthy is motivation. It's an abstract, overwhelming goal. I think the best way to counter this is to have concrete, winnable games and small victories.

So, this app will makes living healthy, and fitness into a RPG game, where users earn points, and "level up' as they achieve their goals. Everytime they eat something healthy like vegetables, they earn points. Everytime they complete a workout, they earn points. Each level will present different challenges.

The challenges will follow a certain structure. First will come changing your environment such as getting rid of junk food. Then, reducing stress, as stress leads to eating comfort food. Then concrete goals like keeping track of everything you eat, or taking the stairs for a week. Small, concrete goals rather than abstract ones like "be healthy" or "exercise more".

The whole point is to create a holistic framework/game so people will rely less on willpower, and more on fun, achievement, and changing our environment.

What's your opinion on this idea? Would you want to know when I'm done with it?  If this sounds too silly, or absurd, just ignore what I just said, hehe =)

Best,
Christine








Dear Christine,


Thank you for your interest in my blog. I appreciate that I have such loyal fans with such attention to detail. Especially concerning my interests. I can tell that you read my blog very carefully before sending me this e-mail. I am OBVIOUSLY the person to go to about healthy living, fitness, and RPG games! I mean, I talk about that shit all the time on here! And it's not just me! When I think of cat ladies as a whole I totally think of healthy living and video games. They are all about that crap!


What the fuck, Christine?!


Are you kidding me? I'm a CAT LADY! As in, I would prefer to scoop shit out of a box than involve myself in human interaction. I like to sit around and eat cartons of ice cream while sitting on my god damned couch, dangling a string-toy-thing for my asshole of a cat who won't let me have two minutes to myself without shoving his ass in my face. My "game systems" consist of a 1980's Nintendo that I don't even remember where the power supply cord is and a Game Cube that I have TWO games for and I can't remember the last time I turned it on. The idea of polling ME for you fitness doodad is both silly AND absurd. But no, I'm definitely not ignoring what you said! In fact, let's talk about it.


You're obviously breaking the mold on weight loss here. Get rid of stress and eat vegetables? What a concept! My jaw dropped the minute I read that. You're saying that people have to keep track of what they eat and get rid of junk food? That's amazing! I'm sure no one has heard that before. I always thought there was some sort of secret fairy dust to drop those pounds. Maybe a little dance in the light of the full moon before bathing in a mythical stream surrounded by ferns and unicorns. I am in awe of your innovation. What's next? Portion control? EXERCISE???


Okay, really, turning weight loss into a game is a fantastic idea! I can't believe no one has.... oh wait...


Go buy a fucking Wii and quit bothering people on the internet. If you want to survey people on their opinions of your product, there are websites that people sign up for to do that. I have more important shit to do like finish eating this CARTON of donuts after sleeping until noon before I woke up to brush the cats and vacuum. 


Have a great day,


Sincerely,


Future Cat Lady


P.S. If you have any of that fairy dust, I would be interested in reviewing that. Fuck that "work" to lose weight. Pfft.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Why Men Think Women Are F*Ing CRAZY

Oh my God! A real post! Is the world coming to an end??

Nope, I just got a wild hair and had an interesting idea pop into my head. And, oh look! I'm stuck in a car dealership for the entire weekend with nothing to do... PERFECT!!

I hear it over and over again from men that I know, "Women are fucking nuts, Phoebe!" And I completely agree. We're bonkers. But honestly, you try living with a constant flux of hormones that are spending most of their time trying to convince you that the world is out to get you (and that you're the size of a carrier ship to boot) and see how far you go with seeming "rational" to the rest of the population. Now, don't get me wrong, men have hormones too (and feelings I hear, although I call shenanigans on that), but it's a slightly different mental game there. Men have the ability to think of one thing at a time. It's amazing. Women... well... we think about EVERYTHING... ALL THE TIME!!!! And when we get fixated? Oh lordie lord! Everything goes to hell.

So, here's a scenario most of you know:

 (Side note: This is a scenario for two people who actually like each other... this is NOT TRUE for people who are actually just looking for sex/hook-ups, that's a whole different ball game and I will address that at another time. This is also a GENERALIZATION on many experiences of mine and my friends'. Not everyone is like this, I know that... but this is my blog so piss off).


Girl meets guy. Guy seems awesome. Girl seems independent and sane. Guy is interested in girl. Girl is interested in guy. Girl and Guy go out. (You following?) So far, everything is going GREAT. They go out, they have fun, there's chemistry, it's all groovy. At the end of the evening they part ways, and then the problem starts. Guy says something along the lines of, "I'll call you." Or whatever other random line pops into his head that he's probably not thinking too much about (provided he actually likes the girl).



After they go their separate ways, Girl is walking around in a hormone-driven daze of infatuation. Guy is going about his normal routine, possibly considering what kind of underwear she's wearing, but attending to business as usual. Girl calls/texts/e-mails her BFFs and over-analyzes every single step of the evening. Within the span of a day she has already established his desire of her and is eagerly anticipating his next contact so they can continue with their "courtship". Guy continues with his life.


After a couple days, Girl has gone through numerous scenarios of whether or not he likes her and if he wants to spend more time with her. She starts wondering why he hasn't contacted her. It is Wednesday, Guy has been working at his highly stressful job. Girl has been working, and e-mailing, and texting and thinking. You see, men have a limited capacity to multi-task. Women can perform all necessary functions of their job, while gossiping with their girlfriends, maintaining a text conversation with their bestie, and following the news... All while painting their nails and chewing gum. Men focus on what they are doing. The higher the demands of the job, the less likely they are going to think about anything that might require more than a grunt of a thought. Like, "I like beer" or "nice boobs." They aren't going to sit around and process their (arguably nonexistent) feelings. They don't work that way. Girl is too caught up in wanting to hear from him to rationally remember that.


After a VERY SHORT amount of time, Girl runs out of reasons of why Guy hasn't made plans to hang out with her again. It is so alien to her thought process that she can't understand WHY she hasn't heard from Guy. She starts fixating on the lack of future plans. Even if Guy has said "hello" or seen how her day was, it's not the same!! He hasn't made PLANS! Doesn't he want to see her again? Is he seeing other girls?! Is he... *gasp*... not interested?


Soon, nothing else matters but contact. And, every moment of non-contact is a strong signal of disinterest. Girl checks her phone every two seconds, even though it's on sound, vibrate, and electric jolt if even the slightest notification shows up. She's to the point where she's getting shocked by a cattle prod every time someone likes a cute cat picture on Facebook. Guy considers on whether or not he wants to see Girl. He might think about whether or not the whole situation is a good idea. He might worry about hurting her feelings if he's not that interested (probably not, but I'll offer the benefit of the doubt as several men have CLAIMED this thought). Hell, he might just be thinking about the fact that he wants to eat a goddamned sandwich! Girl starts cycling through thoughts of "Ooh, he text me!" to "It's been five minutes" to "I wonder if he's sleeping with her" to "will we ever hang out again?" to "does he hate my cats?" to "should I go out with someone else?" to "He doesn't like me" to "Maybe I don't like him!" to "HE HATES ME!!!"



Remember, Guy has NO IDEA Girl is having all these thoughts. Guy is OBLIVIOUS! As a friend of mine always says, "the more oblivious the guy, the crazier the girl."

After Guy has finally worked through whatever it is that's taking up all his bandwidth (work, "feelings", etc) Guy decides he really wants to see Girl again. You can imagine his surprise when he experiences this:



And that, my friends, is how a girl can go from zero to bat-shit crazy in a matter of four days. Good luck avoiding it, it's genetic. I'm still working on discovering a cure. It's somewhere between a vat of ice-cream, a ten-mile trail run, and losing your phone.

Or you could go with my personal cure: adopt a shit-ton of cats and run screaming if an XY chromosome comes within a two-block radius of you  

Friday, June 22, 2012

More Translations

So today, I was scanning through the "I saw you" sections and came across this particular posting:

Whenever I see you at work I wish I could tell you that I think you're a really amazing beautiful person. It hurts that you hate me so much, what did I ever do for you to hate me so much. I think it's because you're scared of your attraction to me and you feel like I'll reject you if you try to open up so you put up this huge wall. It's too bad cuz you and I could be real good together. 


And I was thinking, "hmm... this is an interesting ad. I think it needs a little deciphering though, as I don't think he's being completely honest with the object of his obsess... er... AFFECTION."

Whenever I see you at work I wish I could tell you that I think you're a really amazing beautiful person.
When I peek over the cubicle wall at you while you're trying to accomplish your daily workload I often think about what you'd look like naked tied up in my basement.
 It hurts that you hate me so much, what did I ever do for you to hate me so much.
I can't believe you weren't flattered when I sent you inter-office e-mails of my penis. I don't understand why you don't love me.
 I think it's because you're scared of your attraction to me and you feel like I'll reject you if you try to open up so you put up this huge wall.
You obviously want me. I can tell by the way you run screaming down the halls. That restraining order was just your way of foreplay.
It's too bad cuz you and I could be real good together. 
By "together" I mean you locked in an secret, sound-proofed apartment I built into the attic of my house where I can check on you once a day to see if you've change your mind regarding your acceptance of my affections.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Yet Another Reason Why I Should Never Date

So, as most of you know, I have a slight problem with my phone...

I'm always on it. 

There are multiple reasons for this, but the most obvious one is that I like my men like I like my vacations: Hot, Last Forever, and FAR AWAY. (No, let's not analyze this). Because of this, I spend a large portion of my life texting. And, since people apparently have things to do OTHER THAN AMUSE ME while I'm at work, this is generally what happens when I text someone...





Rinse and repeat.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

I Would LOVE to Draw You!!

Howdie, y'all!! How goes it?

So, here I was, bored at work (again) so I decided to continue my quest for the love of my life. On free internet dating forums, of course... While I was reading the, truly deep, love notes of the XY chromosomes in this city, (like, "Hey baby, wanna do me?"), I found a heartfelt request buried amongst the drivel.



Do you like to draw? Have you ever drawn from a male's body?

I've always fantasized to be a figure drawing model for a woman and to have her draw me in the nude.

I wouldn't feel comfortable modeling in front of a full class of people (like they do in college), but feel like I would definitely enjoy it in a more private setting.

You don't have to be a professional artist. I would prefer if you were a mature woman (35+).

I'm a good-looking, 31-year-old, professional, respectful, Caucasian man.

Are you game?

Dear Future Muse,

I saw your ad this morning and I am soooo excited to write to you! I love to draw! I've never drawn FROM a male's body (I'm not entirely sure what that even entails, honestly, my mind goes to some rather bizarre conclusions from that sentence), but if it involves a complete stranger standing in the buff in my living room, I am totally game! It will be very private, but I hope you don't mind my cat being there... he's nosy (and indoor only).

Your ad is really helping me out with a predicament I've found myself in. Whenever I sit around and try to come up with things to do with my spare time, I'm like, "I know! I'll practice my life-drawing skills! But, how do I get a strange man to come stand naked in my living room?" I mean, why would I want to draw a woman with her curves and natural aesthetic beauty? A 30-something year old man who obviously spends a lot of time on the internet is probably FAR more interesting to look at naked. I'm doubly grateful that you're posting this on a dating site and offering to come over and take your clothes off... because it's almost IMPOSSIBLE to get a man to take his clothes off for me. Especially when I meet him on the internet! Thank GOD I found your post.

I'm also glad you don't mind if I'm not a professional artist, I always get nervous about people judging my work. But, I suppose I could claim "professional"... my stuff has been published!! I mean, I once one an art competition with a splatter painting! (I went above and beyond and outlined the splatters with ink). It gives me great faith in the artistic community when I can throw shit together and be given props for my "deep effort". Sigh... Remind me to tell you the stories of my winning poetry contests while I'm sketching your (I'm presuming) very manly attributes.

Anyway, I took all the information you put out in your ad and put together a preview for you. You know, so you can see the talent that I offer up...


Looking forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,

Future Cat Lady

P.S. Please bring censor bar (I really don't want to see that stuff)


Friday, May 11, 2012

Really?

Just a quick hello from the city before I head out for the weekend. I wasn't planning on posting anything until I could compose something worthy of my ten readers, but I saw this and I really couldn't help but respond.

Do you have the biological urge to become pregnant, but do not want the responsibility of parenthood?

Would you like to give birth to a beautiful baby and nurse it and care for it for a year or two (with assistance)?

If you're young, healthy, esthetically pleasing, non-smoker, drug-free, intelligent, emotionally stable, kind, compassionate, gentle, and good with children, then contact me.

I am ready to be a father, but after a divorce (no children) I would like to avoid the pain and suffering that often comes from spousehood.

This is NOT a commercial offer.

Responses with PICTURES are PREFERRED.

Thank you for your interest.

Dear Future Baby Daddy,

Gee whiz! I just read your ad and I cannot believe my eyes! It has been so long since I've found a man willing to get me pregnant (and have me take care of his offspring for a year or two) that I was losing hope of every finding one at all! I mean, how else would I want to spend 40 weeks of my life than having a couple months full of nausea, a few months of sciatica, crazy dreams, unusual food cravings, awful hemorrhoids, constipation, headaches, shortness of breath and then the JOYS of delivery!! Not to mention getting all the blood tests and ultrasounds and the 25 extra pounds on top of all that. Maybe I'll even get to have an episiotomy too! Then you'd let me nurse the critter for two years?? You are a giver. I can only imagine that after all of that, and then two years of bonding with it, I would be totally ready to hand that sucker off and never see it again!

I did want to ask... what if you don't like our offspring? Would you still be willing to take it off my hands? Or do I have to keep it? I don't think we can very well drop it off at the Humane Society, so we might want to discuss that a little further. I am sure you would never do something like leave me hanging with a baby, no support, and no idea where you disappeared to though! After all, you're a legit and caring man looking for a woman to knock up on an internet dating forum. That's Klassy with a K.

Anyway FBD, I have to run. Good luck out there! I have an appointment to go bond with foster kids (we're coming up on year two) before I walk out of their lives and never talk to them again. I hear that is fucking fabulous for the mental health of small children. Let me know if you want to start this, I'm looking forward to being unable to see my toes.

Sincerely,

Your Future Cat Lady

P.S. Please consider sterilization

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Cat Lady Pick-Up Lines #1

So, it's been a shitty day.

Nothing in particular, just woke up on the wrong side of the bed and have been a total snatch all day. So.... nothing new there.

Anyway, I was thinking it was time to answer the age old question that people keep asking me. 

"Phoebe," they ask, "you must be able to get any man you want! Tell me, how do you do it?"

Well, my friends... I am very smooth. Like a broken piece of balsa wood. Or coarse sandpaper covered in velcro. The men, they come falling at my feet (the minute they find out I'm paying for that last round). In discussion with one of my besties, we decided it was probably time for me to start showing you exactly how I find the amazing men that have graced my history with their presence.

I give you, Part 1 of how this future cat lady pulls in the men:

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Sexy Lines VI

There are times when I look at my dating life and think, "gee... why am I alone?" I can't quite put my finger on it most of the time, I know there are guys out there that want to go out with me. I could probably even find someone stupid enough to date me "long-term", but for some odd reason I keep finding myself going home with my cats.

Along with perusing personal ads, making bad cartoons, and harassing people that want nothing to do with me via text message; I also have a hobby of sitting around and comparing my life to a movie... or at the very least, a TV show. Then I realized that if my dating life was a TV show it would be something along the lines of the bad '90s show "Love Connection."

And that's when the truth of my dating life dawned on me:

 

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Sexy Lines Part V

So, as I think about true situations I have found myself in throughout this whole "dating experience", I recall many of the compromises that I've been willing to make to make the object of my affection happy.

You'd be surprised at how close to accurate this might actually be...

 

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Sexy Lines Part IV

So, this morning, as I was BARTing to the dealership after a completely un-cat-lady-like evening of drinking ALL THE CAR BOMBS in San Francisco... well... half of them (my friend drank the other half), I got a note on Facebook from my Gypsy advising me that she needed more of the sexiest lines I've ever heard.

So... as per special request... I give you:

The way to assure this girl will never look at another man. In fact, this is probably the most surefire way to make me never want to let you out of my sights. I will follow you around like a puppy to the ends of the earth... And yet another reason why I go home to my cats every night.

Yup... true story.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Marriage Advice

Good day to you my fine readers!

Today, as I was wasting time at my computer and being sure to look like I was attending to something incredibly important, I found this interesting nugget. I'm not really quite sure what to say about it, I am definitely the last person I would go to for relationship advice, but... well... Here, why don't you guys just take a little peek really quick.

Title: I miss the Man U had the potential to be

Why do you always wait for the moment that will make your words cut the deepest? Why do you have to use the words that bring tears to my eyes? Most husbands hurt when they see their wives tears.....I'm beginning to think you enjoy it.  

I know, right? What does one say to something like this?

Dear Married Teenager,

Today, while reading your letter I felt a surge of emotion going out to you. Your pain was completely apparent and I am SO sorry you felt that you had to put something like this out on the "Missed Connections" for your husband to read. I am positive that this note really touched him and showed him the pain and misery he is causing you! (Although, hopefully he can figure out which one of his "wives" wrote this). Luckily, it's completely obvious who he is, and I'm sure he'll have no problem knowing that this note (on a public internet forum) is for him. 

Honestly, I think writing public, passive-aggressive notes for your partner is an excellent way of dealing with problems in a relationship. I know that whenever my cats piss me off, the first thing I do is run off to my laptop and hammer out the most wicked note you'll ever see. Then I post it on every site I can find. Hell, I even have a Yelp review on the effers! One more hairball and Chrissy is down to half a star! Maybe you should do that! You and the rest of his wives could get together and write a review on his performance as a husband. He would probably TOTALLY get it if he saw his star-rating plummet down to 1. It works for everywhere else, why not in a marriage? 

This note is by far the best example I've seen in marital problem solving! I think I might recommend this to Dr. Phil. Heaven forbid you actually talk to him and say something like, "it hurts my feelings when you do this." I would say to throw in a tear or two, but it sounds like you've already done that and he totally digs it. What a sick bastard! I bet he does it on purpose! (Although, I don't know a man out there that doesn't love women crying... the minute the waterworks start they go crazy for it).

Wait, I've got an idea! Maybe Dr. Phil will let you guys go on his show!! Because, even better than a vague, public note on the internet, dragging your significant other onto a live TV show and airing all your problems to be reviewed by a live, studio audience is an amazing example of really putting in the extra effort for your relationship. I think you guys have got something special here.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you a little encouragement in your remarkable problem-solving skills and say, keep up the good work! Wives like you help ensure that I won't have a date for the next ten years. And for that, I am eternally grateful!

Sincerely,

Your Future Crazy Cat Lady

P.S. I will expect my Yelp review by tomorrow, I really want to see how those stars rack up. 

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Who Could Say No?

Huh... well... Looking at this ad, all I can say is, "Wouldn't we all like that?"

Looking for a man who can support me. I want to have a big art collection and live in an expensive home. I am studying to be an artist and interior designer. I like an active lifestyle. I like to go out to eat at nice restaurants. I enjoy shopping.

My dear starving art student,

It was with much interest that I looked at your personal ad this weekend. It was quite a an impressive read, and I really wanted to give it the full amount of consideration it is worth. I definitely didn't want to reply too hastily, as I think you truly have something special here. After carefully perusing it, and thinking deeply about all the matters at hand, I just wanted to help you a little bit to get the maximum number of worthy responses you deserve. 

First off, normally I suggest women just come right out and say what they want, but obviously you need no such encouragement. In fact, I would recommend the opposite. Perhaps you should slow down a little bit, at least for the first sentence. Maybe you should start out with something like: "looking for a comfortable man of substance" or something along those lines. Just coming out and saying you're looking for a man to support you might give your readers the wrong idea. Like you're just looking for a paycheck or something! And I am completely sure that's not what you're trying to say! It's obvious you're looking for someone to share a long and meaningful relationship with you. I can see that, but your readers might not get that idea, and we wouldn't want that sort of misunderstanding getting in your way.

Actually, maybe we should rewrite the whole thing. How it's coming across right now is:

I don't want to work and I would like a man who has no self-esteem and would like to pay me to hang out with him. I want him to buy me a ton of shit to decorate the over-sized house I will demand from him. I want over-priced canvases covered in splatter-painting so I can show how in-touch I am with the thriving art scene. My major is 99.9% guaranteed to never get me a job that will pay more than my cell phone bill. I would like for you to pay for me to go on vacations and perhaps pay for an incredibly attractive personal trainer to assist me in my "activities". I can't cook. At all. I would like to spend your money and I have absolutely no hobbies whatsoever.

I don't think that this is quite what you were trying to say, so I propose this minor edit. It might help just a little bit in convincing a man to supply you with all the things you want.

Wanted: Man to make the dying wishes of a end-stage cancer victim come true.

I have very little time left and would like to have a man to spend my last days with. Due to my debilitating condition I cannot work and it would be helpful if you could provide me with the little things in life so we can enjoy each other in my last few days on this earth. I've always wanted to be surrounded by beautiful masterpieces that are in an expansive hall displaying them. I had aspirations of creating such works of art, and displaying them in a tasteful and elegant display, but my dream has been stolen from me due to a cruel twist of fate. My doctors have suggested that I exercise as much as possible in order to help me fight off this awful disease. My hands shake too much from my medications to allow me to cook very well. Going to the mall and boutiques allows me a small amount of comfort as I buy things and pretend I'll be able to use them before I die.
*cough cough*  

I think that this might be as good as what you wrote, and might actually land you someone before your original ad.

Let me know what you think!

Sincerely,

Future Cat Lady

P.S. I would bill you for my services, but I have no need of any more mediocre art or flower arranging. Best of luck!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Why Play Alone?

Sigh...

So here I am, trying to end my day at the shack, and I find this particular piece of literature:

I am working sort of halfheartedly; actually watched some online porn, which I rarely do. Mutual masturbation is fun and allows for the appropriate emotional distance between strangers...we can adjust things as we see fit but I am comfortable with a no touch rule. As for me, I am tall, fit, endowed (+/-), nice to look at and I have a relaxed, respectful attitude along with a nice voice and active imagination. I am completely genuine and available. Solo is no fun. 


Dear Solo,


What an excellent idea you have! I often find myself watching online porn at work and thinking, "You know what would make this better? Having a complete stranger watch me take care of business!!" But, can't be having him get too close... no coffee or anything first. I mean, I definitely want to keep the appropriate emotional distance between myself and the random man off of the internet forums I've invited to watch me masturbate. Can't be letting him get too close now. Now that I think about it, is there a particular distance you'd like to keep us apart? Should we be sitting across the room from each other? Side by side? I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Maybe we should do what they do in Jr. High dances and keep the Book of Mormon between us at all times. That seems appropriate.

I'm quite pleased you managed to include that you are tall and well-endowed in your ad as well. That is very important to me when selecting the man to watch me in my most intimate of moments. I can't even fathom the idea of a short man sitting across the room from me while I imagine Vin Diesel ripping his mesh shirt off with his pinkie finger. That would be so wrong.


Anyway, I really just wanted to send you a quick note since my porn-watching-while-at-work time is almost up. Hope everything worked out even though you were solo, and I can't wait to hear back from you.


Sincerely,


Your Future Crazy Cat Lady


P.S. Please bring Book Of Mormon

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Holy Hell! Really?!?!

Well howdie, y'all! Long time, no talk... My fault, I know. Whatever. I'm a jerk. But, you all knew that anyway.

I personally think the reason why I haven't felt like writing anything has been because I kind of got over the bitterness. But, just a few days ago, I got a solid reminder of why boys are ridiculous... when I found THIS:

Title: "Your window of opportunity has passed" (Title is possibly edited for grammar/spelling corrections... oops)

to ever be with me. I tried and tried you said I pushed. No more I gave up. Will be your friend will work together but you need to at least meet me half way.

If not I will go my own way.

I have agreed with you and tried to believe you when you said it was my pushing but you led me on then blamed me for pushing.

Now I will call you once about work and if you dont respond I will not bother worrying I will do it myself.

I hope you find what you are looking for this has been miserable.

No matter how bad something is good can be found in everything so I thank you for the good 


Dear Whiny Little Bitch:

It was fascinating to me to find this angst-ridden note in the "missed connections" section. This is definitely not the first I've found in this area, but something about it just struck a chord in my wee, little heart, and I had to respond.

I was VERY impressed with your letter! I mean, really, what woman wouldn't read your note of (I'll paraphrase) "Waaahhhh, you didn't want to go out with me so I followed you around until you finally got so fed up with me that you told me to piss off!" and immediately wonder what she'd done to lose such a magnificent specimen? I know I'm hoping that you'll continue to post this note at regular intervals for the rest of the week so I can piece together where you are and fling myself at your feet.

Honestly WLB, I wholeheartedly agree with you. If you're interested in someone else, they should totally want you back! You are completely entitled to be able to date her, and if she doesn't give in to that? Well, eff her! Especially if you offer all your attentions under the label of "friendship" so she feels safe until you spring the "I have feelings for you talk" at her after she's let her guard down. I bet she led you on by saying good-morning to you at the water cooler, or accepting the coffee you brought her. She is getting what she deserves!! You definitely proved your point to her. In fact, I'll bet she's been combing the personals ads all week in hopes of finding vague, passive-aggressive notes written by men she hasn't been interested in dating. I thought it was hawt. Not only did you show her what was up by writing such a monumental piece of literature, you then informed her, publicly, that you were going to ignore her from now on. Probably as actively as you ignore little things like punctuation, sentence structure, and the correct tense of words in your sentences. Maybe, if this letter doesn't work, you could do what my cat does and just go sit with your back to her for extended periods of time. That will totally show her! I mean, you guys work together... it should be way easy!

Anyway, just wanted to send you a little note of encouragement. I love how you're going about this! In fact, if you're free later this week, maybe you'd like to come to MY job and tell me all about how you're ignoring me. That sounds like fun.

Best of luck out there champ,

Your Loving Future Cat Lady 


P.S. Please grow a pair