Saturday, June 23, 2012

Why Men Think Women Are F*Ing CRAZY

Oh my God! A real post! Is the world coming to an end??

Nope, I just got a wild hair and had an interesting idea pop into my head. And, oh look! I'm stuck in a car dealership for the entire weekend with nothing to do... PERFECT!!

I hear it over and over again from men that I know, "Women are fucking nuts, Phoebe!" And I completely agree. We're bonkers. But honestly, you try living with a constant flux of hormones that are spending most of their time trying to convince you that the world is out to get you (and that you're the size of a carrier ship to boot) and see how far you go with seeming "rational" to the rest of the population. Now, don't get me wrong, men have hormones too (and feelings I hear, although I call shenanigans on that), but it's a slightly different mental game there. Men have the ability to think of one thing at a time. It's amazing. Women... well... we think about EVERYTHING... ALL THE TIME!!!! And when we get fixated? Oh lordie lord! Everything goes to hell.

So, here's a scenario most of you know:

 (Side note: This is a scenario for two people who actually like each other... this is NOT TRUE for people who are actually just looking for sex/hook-ups, that's a whole different ball game and I will address that at another time. This is also a GENERALIZATION on many experiences of mine and my friends'. Not everyone is like this, I know that... but this is my blog so piss off).


Girl meets guy. Guy seems awesome. Girl seems independent and sane. Guy is interested in girl. Girl is interested in guy. Girl and Guy go out. (You following?) So far, everything is going GREAT. They go out, they have fun, there's chemistry, it's all groovy. At the end of the evening they part ways, and then the problem starts. Guy says something along the lines of, "I'll call you." Or whatever other random line pops into his head that he's probably not thinking too much about (provided he actually likes the girl).



After they go their separate ways, Girl is walking around in a hormone-driven daze of infatuation. Guy is going about his normal routine, possibly considering what kind of underwear she's wearing, but attending to business as usual. Girl calls/texts/e-mails her BFFs and over-analyzes every single step of the evening. Within the span of a day she has already established his desire of her and is eagerly anticipating his next contact so they can continue with their "courtship". Guy continues with his life.


After a couple days, Girl has gone through numerous scenarios of whether or not he likes her and if he wants to spend more time with her. She starts wondering why he hasn't contacted her. It is Wednesday, Guy has been working at his highly stressful job. Girl has been working, and e-mailing, and texting and thinking. You see, men have a limited capacity to multi-task. Women can perform all necessary functions of their job, while gossiping with their girlfriends, maintaining a text conversation with their bestie, and following the news... All while painting their nails and chewing gum. Men focus on what they are doing. The higher the demands of the job, the less likely they are going to think about anything that might require more than a grunt of a thought. Like, "I like beer" or "nice boobs." They aren't going to sit around and process their (arguably nonexistent) feelings. They don't work that way. Girl is too caught up in wanting to hear from him to rationally remember that.


After a VERY SHORT amount of time, Girl runs out of reasons of why Guy hasn't made plans to hang out with her again. It is so alien to her thought process that she can't understand WHY she hasn't heard from Guy. She starts fixating on the lack of future plans. Even if Guy has said "hello" or seen how her day was, it's not the same!! He hasn't made PLANS! Doesn't he want to see her again? Is he seeing other girls?! Is he... *gasp*... not interested?


Soon, nothing else matters but contact. And, every moment of non-contact is a strong signal of disinterest. Girl checks her phone every two seconds, even though it's on sound, vibrate, and electric jolt if even the slightest notification shows up. She's to the point where she's getting shocked by a cattle prod every time someone likes a cute cat picture on Facebook. Guy considers on whether or not he wants to see Girl. He might think about whether or not the whole situation is a good idea. He might worry about hurting her feelings if he's not that interested (probably not, but I'll offer the benefit of the doubt as several men have CLAIMED this thought). Hell, he might just be thinking about the fact that he wants to eat a goddamned sandwich! Girl starts cycling through thoughts of "Ooh, he text me!" to "It's been five minutes" to "I wonder if he's sleeping with her" to "will we ever hang out again?" to "does he hate my cats?" to "should I go out with someone else?" to "He doesn't like me" to "Maybe I don't like him!" to "HE HATES ME!!!"



Remember, Guy has NO IDEA Girl is having all these thoughts. Guy is OBLIVIOUS! As a friend of mine always says, "the more oblivious the guy, the crazier the girl."

After Guy has finally worked through whatever it is that's taking up all his bandwidth (work, "feelings", etc) Guy decides he really wants to see Girl again. You can imagine his surprise when he experiences this:



And that, my friends, is how a girl can go from zero to bat-shit crazy in a matter of four days. Good luck avoiding it, it's genetic. I'm still working on discovering a cure. It's somewhere between a vat of ice-cream, a ten-mile trail run, and losing your phone.

Or you could go with my personal cure: adopt a shit-ton of cats and run screaming if an XY chromosome comes within a two-block radius of you  

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