Sunday, June 24, 2012

Letters From My "Fans"

I'm bored. I illustrated my new blog cover photo (that's right! Appreciate that shit!!) and now I'm out of things to do. Then I realized that I haven't checked the e-mail account linked to this blog in a few months so I figured I'd get in there and see what might have come across the interwebs. I was hoping maybe Mr. Abromowitz from Canada stopped by and said hello. As my wedgie boy post still gets between 10-15 hits a week even though it's over a year and a half old, I have this feeling you're still peeking at it, Walt. You naughty boy, you.


Anyway, back to my e-mail inbox. The first e-mail I got was from someone wanting me to include links to their new online dating site in my blog.


Really, Laura? You were "reading" my blog and thought that I might be the person to go to for references for dating sites? You and Walt must be on the same page with thinking that I could POSSIBLY be the person to go to for any sort of reference for sex or dating. I'm a fucking CAT LADY. But whatever, I would love to write a post about your dating site! I'm not exactly sure it would say anything you'd really like potential customers to read, but I would be thrilled to talk about your site. I love dating sites.


The next e-mail I got was what I was really confused by. It made absolutely no sense. I mean, I could understand why Laura would think I would have anything to do with internet dating. There are a lot of tags to internet dating on my blog. While sending out searches of e-mail addresses to spam... er... send heartfelt messages to, I can see how I would pop up on there. Hell, I'm even willing to do it (provided she's not an internet robot trying to sell me web-cam sex. I can get that anywhere). But Christine sent me an interesting note about her weight loss app. 


Oh here, you guys just read it:


Hi Future cat lady,

I was reading your blog today and wonder you could give me an opinion on a diet/fitness app I'm making right now ?

For me, I think the problem with being healthy is motivation. It's an abstract, overwhelming goal. I think the best way to counter this is to have concrete, winnable games and small victories.

So, this app will makes living healthy, and fitness into a RPG game, where users earn points, and "level up' as they achieve their goals. Everytime they eat something healthy like vegetables, they earn points. Everytime they complete a workout, they earn points. Each level will present different challenges.

The challenges will follow a certain structure. First will come changing your environment such as getting rid of junk food. Then, reducing stress, as stress leads to eating comfort food. Then concrete goals like keeping track of everything you eat, or taking the stairs for a week. Small, concrete goals rather than abstract ones like "be healthy" or "exercise more".

The whole point is to create a holistic framework/game so people will rely less on willpower, and more on fun, achievement, and changing our environment.

What's your opinion on this idea? Would you want to know when I'm done with it?  If this sounds too silly, or absurd, just ignore what I just said, hehe =)

Best,
Christine








Dear Christine,


Thank you for your interest in my blog. I appreciate that I have such loyal fans with such attention to detail. Especially concerning my interests. I can tell that you read my blog very carefully before sending me this e-mail. I am OBVIOUSLY the person to go to about healthy living, fitness, and RPG games! I mean, I talk about that shit all the time on here! And it's not just me! When I think of cat ladies as a whole I totally think of healthy living and video games. They are all about that crap!


What the fuck, Christine?!


Are you kidding me? I'm a CAT LADY! As in, I would prefer to scoop shit out of a box than involve myself in human interaction. I like to sit around and eat cartons of ice cream while sitting on my god damned couch, dangling a string-toy-thing for my asshole of a cat who won't let me have two minutes to myself without shoving his ass in my face. My "game systems" consist of a 1980's Nintendo that I don't even remember where the power supply cord is and a Game Cube that I have TWO games for and I can't remember the last time I turned it on. The idea of polling ME for you fitness doodad is both silly AND absurd. But no, I'm definitely not ignoring what you said! In fact, let's talk about it.


You're obviously breaking the mold on weight loss here. Get rid of stress and eat vegetables? What a concept! My jaw dropped the minute I read that. You're saying that people have to keep track of what they eat and get rid of junk food? That's amazing! I'm sure no one has heard that before. I always thought there was some sort of secret fairy dust to drop those pounds. Maybe a little dance in the light of the full moon before bathing in a mythical stream surrounded by ferns and unicorns. I am in awe of your innovation. What's next? Portion control? EXERCISE???


Okay, really, turning weight loss into a game is a fantastic idea! I can't believe no one has.... oh wait...


Go buy a fucking Wii and quit bothering people on the internet. If you want to survey people on their opinions of your product, there are websites that people sign up for to do that. I have more important shit to do like finish eating this CARTON of donuts after sleeping until noon before I woke up to brush the cats and vacuum. 


Have a great day,


Sincerely,


Future Cat Lady


P.S. If you have any of that fairy dust, I would be interested in reviewing that. Fuck that "work" to lose weight. Pfft.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Why Men Think Women Are F*Ing CRAZY

Oh my God! A real post! Is the world coming to an end??

Nope, I just got a wild hair and had an interesting idea pop into my head. And, oh look! I'm stuck in a car dealership for the entire weekend with nothing to do... PERFECT!!

I hear it over and over again from men that I know, "Women are fucking nuts, Phoebe!" And I completely agree. We're bonkers. But honestly, you try living with a constant flux of hormones that are spending most of their time trying to convince you that the world is out to get you (and that you're the size of a carrier ship to boot) and see how far you go with seeming "rational" to the rest of the population. Now, don't get me wrong, men have hormones too (and feelings I hear, although I call shenanigans on that), but it's a slightly different mental game there. Men have the ability to think of one thing at a time. It's amazing. Women... well... we think about EVERYTHING... ALL THE TIME!!!! And when we get fixated? Oh lordie lord! Everything goes to hell.

So, here's a scenario most of you know:

 (Side note: This is a scenario for two people who actually like each other... this is NOT TRUE for people who are actually just looking for sex/hook-ups, that's a whole different ball game and I will address that at another time. This is also a GENERALIZATION on many experiences of mine and my friends'. Not everyone is like this, I know that... but this is my blog so piss off).


Girl meets guy. Guy seems awesome. Girl seems independent and sane. Guy is interested in girl. Girl is interested in guy. Girl and Guy go out. (You following?) So far, everything is going GREAT. They go out, they have fun, there's chemistry, it's all groovy. At the end of the evening they part ways, and then the problem starts. Guy says something along the lines of, "I'll call you." Or whatever other random line pops into his head that he's probably not thinking too much about (provided he actually likes the girl).



After they go their separate ways, Girl is walking around in a hormone-driven daze of infatuation. Guy is going about his normal routine, possibly considering what kind of underwear she's wearing, but attending to business as usual. Girl calls/texts/e-mails her BFFs and over-analyzes every single step of the evening. Within the span of a day she has already established his desire of her and is eagerly anticipating his next contact so they can continue with their "courtship". Guy continues with his life.


After a couple days, Girl has gone through numerous scenarios of whether or not he likes her and if he wants to spend more time with her. She starts wondering why he hasn't contacted her. It is Wednesday, Guy has been working at his highly stressful job. Girl has been working, and e-mailing, and texting and thinking. You see, men have a limited capacity to multi-task. Women can perform all necessary functions of their job, while gossiping with their girlfriends, maintaining a text conversation with their bestie, and following the news... All while painting their nails and chewing gum. Men focus on what they are doing. The higher the demands of the job, the less likely they are going to think about anything that might require more than a grunt of a thought. Like, "I like beer" or "nice boobs." They aren't going to sit around and process their (arguably nonexistent) feelings. They don't work that way. Girl is too caught up in wanting to hear from him to rationally remember that.


After a VERY SHORT amount of time, Girl runs out of reasons of why Guy hasn't made plans to hang out with her again. It is so alien to her thought process that she can't understand WHY she hasn't heard from Guy. She starts fixating on the lack of future plans. Even if Guy has said "hello" or seen how her day was, it's not the same!! He hasn't made PLANS! Doesn't he want to see her again? Is he seeing other girls?! Is he... *gasp*... not interested?


Soon, nothing else matters but contact. And, every moment of non-contact is a strong signal of disinterest. Girl checks her phone every two seconds, even though it's on sound, vibrate, and electric jolt if even the slightest notification shows up. She's to the point where she's getting shocked by a cattle prod every time someone likes a cute cat picture on Facebook. Guy considers on whether or not he wants to see Girl. He might think about whether or not the whole situation is a good idea. He might worry about hurting her feelings if he's not that interested (probably not, but I'll offer the benefit of the doubt as several men have CLAIMED this thought). Hell, he might just be thinking about the fact that he wants to eat a goddamned sandwich! Girl starts cycling through thoughts of "Ooh, he text me!" to "It's been five minutes" to "I wonder if he's sleeping with her" to "will we ever hang out again?" to "does he hate my cats?" to "should I go out with someone else?" to "He doesn't like me" to "Maybe I don't like him!" to "HE HATES ME!!!"



Remember, Guy has NO IDEA Girl is having all these thoughts. Guy is OBLIVIOUS! As a friend of mine always says, "the more oblivious the guy, the crazier the girl."

After Guy has finally worked through whatever it is that's taking up all his bandwidth (work, "feelings", etc) Guy decides he really wants to see Girl again. You can imagine his surprise when he experiences this:



And that, my friends, is how a girl can go from zero to bat-shit crazy in a matter of four days. Good luck avoiding it, it's genetic. I'm still working on discovering a cure. It's somewhere between a vat of ice-cream, a ten-mile trail run, and losing your phone.

Or you could go with my personal cure: adopt a shit-ton of cats and run screaming if an XY chromosome comes within a two-block radius of you  

Friday, June 22, 2012

More Translations

So today, I was scanning through the "I saw you" sections and came across this particular posting:

Whenever I see you at work I wish I could tell you that I think you're a really amazing beautiful person. It hurts that you hate me so much, what did I ever do for you to hate me so much. I think it's because you're scared of your attraction to me and you feel like I'll reject you if you try to open up so you put up this huge wall. It's too bad cuz you and I could be real good together. 


And I was thinking, "hmm... this is an interesting ad. I think it needs a little deciphering though, as I don't think he's being completely honest with the object of his obsess... er... AFFECTION."

Whenever I see you at work I wish I could tell you that I think you're a really amazing beautiful person.
When I peek over the cubicle wall at you while you're trying to accomplish your daily workload I often think about what you'd look like naked tied up in my basement.
 It hurts that you hate me so much, what did I ever do for you to hate me so much.
I can't believe you weren't flattered when I sent you inter-office e-mails of my penis. I don't understand why you don't love me.
 I think it's because you're scared of your attraction to me and you feel like I'll reject you if you try to open up so you put up this huge wall.
You obviously want me. I can tell by the way you run screaming down the halls. That restraining order was just your way of foreplay.
It's too bad cuz you and I could be real good together. 
By "together" I mean you locked in an secret, sound-proofed apartment I built into the attic of my house where I can check on you once a day to see if you've change your mind regarding your acceptance of my affections.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Yet Another Reason Why I Should Never Date

So, as most of you know, I have a slight problem with my phone...

I'm always on it. 

There are multiple reasons for this, but the most obvious one is that I like my men like I like my vacations: Hot, Last Forever, and FAR AWAY. (No, let's not analyze this). Because of this, I spend a large portion of my life texting. And, since people apparently have things to do OTHER THAN AMUSE ME while I'm at work, this is generally what happens when I text someone...





Rinse and repeat.