Oh my God! A real post! Is the world coming to an end??
Nope, I just got a wild hair and had an interesting idea pop into my head. And, oh look! I'm stuck in a car dealership for the entire weekend with nothing to do... PERFECT!!
I hear it over and over again from men that I know, "Women are fucking nuts, Phoebe!" And I completely agree. We're bonkers. But honestly, you try living with a constant flux of hormones that are spending most of their time trying to convince you that the world is out to get you (and that you're the size of a carrier ship to boot) and see how far you go with seeming "rational" to the rest of the population. Now, don't get me wrong, men have hormones too (and feelings I hear, although I call shenanigans on that), but it's a slightly different mental game there. Men have the ability to think of one thing at a time. It's amazing. Women... well... we think about EVERYTHING... ALL THE TIME!!!! And when we get fixated? Oh lordie lord! Everything goes to hell.
So, here's a scenario most of you know:
(Side note: This is a scenario for two people who actually like each other... this is NOT TRUE for people who are actually just looking for sex/hook-ups, that's a whole different ball game and I will address that at another time. This is also a GENERALIZATION on many experiences of mine and my friends'. Not everyone is like this, I know that... but this is my blog so piss off).
Girl meets guy. Guy seems awesome. Girl seems independent and sane. Guy is interested in girl. Girl is interested in guy. Girl and Guy go out. (You following?) So far, everything is going GREAT. They go out, they have fun, there's chemistry, it's all groovy. At the end of the evening they part ways, and then the problem starts. Guy says something along the lines of, "I'll call you." Or whatever other random line pops into his head that he's probably not thinking too much about (provided he actually likes the girl).
After they go their separate ways, Girl is walking around in a hormone-driven daze of infatuation. Guy is going about his normal routine, possibly considering what kind of underwear she's wearing, but attending to business as usual. Girl calls/texts/e-mails her BFFs and over-analyzes every single step of the evening. Within the span of a day she has already established his desire of her and is eagerly anticipating his next contact so they can continue with their "courtship". Guy continues with his life.
After a couple days, Girl has gone through numerous scenarios of whether or not he likes her and if he wants to spend more time with her. She starts wondering why he hasn't contacted her. It is Wednesday, Guy has been working at his highly stressful job. Girl has been working, and e-mailing, and texting and thinking. You see, men have a limited capacity to multi-task. Women can perform all necessary functions of their job, while gossiping with their girlfriends, maintaining a text conversation with their bestie, and following the news... All while painting their nails and chewing gum. Men focus on what they are doing. The higher the demands of the job, the less likely they are going to think about anything that might require more than a grunt of a thought. Like, "I like beer" or "nice boobs." They aren't going to sit around and process their (arguably nonexistent) feelings. They don't work that way. Girl is too caught up in wanting to hear from him to rationally remember that.
After a VERY SHORT amount of time, Girl runs out of reasons of why Guy hasn't made plans to hang out with her again. It is so alien to her thought process that she can't understand WHY she hasn't heard from Guy. She starts fixating on the lack of future plans. Even if Guy has said "hello" or seen how her day was, it's not the same!! He hasn't made PLANS! Doesn't he want to see her again? Is he seeing other girls?! Is he... *gasp*... not interested?
Soon, nothing else matters but contact. And, every moment of non-contact is a strong signal of disinterest. Girl checks her phone every two seconds, even though it's on sound, vibrate, and electric jolt if even the slightest notification shows up. She's to the point where she's getting shocked by a cattle prod every time someone likes a cute cat picture on Facebook. Guy considers on whether or not he wants to see Girl. He might think about whether or not the whole situation is a good idea. He might worry about hurting her feelings if he's not that interested (probably not, but I'll offer the benefit of the doubt as several men have CLAIMED this thought). Hell, he might just be thinking about the fact that he wants to eat a goddamned sandwich! Girl starts cycling through thoughts of "Ooh, he text me!" to "It's been five minutes" to "I wonder if he's sleeping with her" to "will we ever hang out again?" to "does he hate my cats?" to "should I go out with someone else?" to "He doesn't like me" to "Maybe I don't like him!" to "HE HATES ME!!!"
Remember, Guy has NO IDEA Girl is having all these thoughts. Guy is OBLIVIOUS! As a friend of mine always says, "the more oblivious the guy, the crazier the girl."
After Guy has finally worked through whatever it is that's taking up all his bandwidth (work, "feelings", etc) Guy decides he really wants to see Girl again. You can imagine his surprise when he experiences this:
And that, my friends, is how a girl can go from zero to bat-shit crazy in a matter of four days. Good luck avoiding it, it's genetic. I'm still working on discovering a cure. It's somewhere between a vat of ice-cream, a ten-mile trail run, and losing your phone.
Or you could go with my personal cure: adopt a shit-ton of cats and run screaming if an XY chromosome comes within a two-block radius of you
There are times when I look at my dating life and think, "gee... why am I alone?" I can't quite put my finger on it most of the time, I know there are guys out there that want to go out with me. I could probably even find someone stupid enough to date me "long-term", but for some odd reason I keep finding myself going home with my cats.
Along with perusing personal ads, making bad cartoons, and harassing people that want nothing to do with me via text message; I also have a hobby of sitting around and comparing my life to a movie... or at the very least, a TV show. Then I realized that if my dating life was a TV show it would be something along the lines of the bad '90s show "Love Connection."
And that's when the truth of my dating life dawned on me:
So, as I think about true situations I have found myself in throughout this whole "dating experience", I recall many of the compromises that I've been willing to make to make the object of my affection happy.
You'd be surprised at how close to accurate this might actually be...
This particular phrase seems to get me on my back with my pants around my ankles faster than a sorority girl with a case of wine coolers during pledge week. I've tried to move on from this, but it seems to be the main factor in my choosing a mate...
I promise I'll get around to writing another letter at some point, I'm just not finding anything that inspires me. That, and I have a lot of homework and not a lot of mental energy to invest in writing the thoughtful, well-intentioned responses I try to put out there. HA!
So instead....
I offer you:
Another sexy line that has had me wanting to tear my clothes off and throw myself on the ground at the feet of the man uttering it!
In my wild adventures of dating, I've heard a lot of lines thrown at me. Unfortunately, most of them are along the lines of:
"Wow, you're purty. Hur Hur." *insert man giggling uncomfortably while shifting back and forth and hoping this will work*
Not exactly the most eloquent of pick up lines, but nice try Pal. I think I'll just sit over here in my cat-hair infested sweater and imagine all the colors I could paint the litter-box room.
Then there's the amazing lines that they are sure will work to impress you with their ardent desire to peek inside your panties such as:
"Daaaayummm girl! You are THICK!" (Real line heard in bar in LA circa 2006). Yeah, that went over well...
But, I have been told some things that I find sexier than anything in the entire world, and I've decided that I would like to share them with you... in illustrated form.
Sexy Line #1:
What's up y'all???
Not much going on here, just hanging out on the computer at the V-Dealership waiting for the day to be over so I can go relax for the evening. By relax I mean sit BACK in front of the computer and continue working on all this "school crap".
A lot of you already know this, but for those of you that don't, I'm going to be unemployed in 2 months and will be returning to a higher learning institution (high school with ashtrays) to further my education. I've already turned in my notice at the vagina den. [insert shameless plug begging you to click on the ads on my blog so I can have money HAHAHA]
"But why, Phoebe?" you might ask, "why would you let go of the one thing that brings you so much joy? Looking at the vajajay!"
Well, my loyal fans, I am also brought joy by money. I would like some. I am poor. My laptop is dying (so I have to blog at the workplaces), I need new sweaterdresses (and perhaps a few more pairs of shoes), and my cats require more expensive food so they'll stop eating my flip flops for fiber. So.... I'm going back to school. I'm still working out the financial aid BS, but I've been accepted at one of the local colleges for my general ed stuff I need to get into a program. I need to make an appointment with a counselor and then I go back for my pre-requisites and start applying for nursing programs. I've been putting this off for a while, but I feel that I probably need a bachelor's degree if I'm going to snag me a rich man. I have the boobs, I do my best to resemble Barbie (tm), I wear too much make-up, spend too much time on my hair, and I'm working on the shoe collection... all I need is a piece of paper that says "I'm really not using you for your paycheck. Really. I promise... Can I stop working now?"
I haven't found Mr. Right Now yet, so I'm still looking... in between looking at dating sites and sugar-daddy offers online of course... I'm still working on my response to a real winner I found, but as all my friends are spurning me for my friend's blog on homeless people http://seanthomasphoto.blogspot.com/ I thought I'd have to throw something up here to counter his monopolizing of my audience.
Yesterday's translation seemed to amuse many of my friends, so I'm going to offer this up as something to tide you over while I work on my real post.
Post I found today:
i miss holding a woman tight in my arms. spooning under the covers, keeping each other warm on a cold night. watching a good movie while cuddling in bed and maybe falling asleep in each others arms.
im not looking for sex or a hook up.. but a friend and snuggle buddy would be great.
me: 27 year old white male. in shape, handsome, funny and a great snuggler!
What a woman reads when she reads this ad:
i miss can't live without holding a woman tight in my arms while whispering sweet nothings about how amazing she is in every way and how jealous all her friends are of her. spooning under the covers after I bring her wine and snacks and light a fire and rub her back, keeping each other her warm on a cold night even when she puts her cold feet on my warm legs. watching a good phenomenal movie about true love that she picked out while cuddling in bed and maybe her falling asleep in each others my arms I will of course be on my back with her head on my shoulder so she can be comfortable and my arm can fall asleep.
im not looking for sex or a hook up because what I'm really interested in is your strength of character and personality.. but a friend (my only one) and snuggle buddy (every second I'm not working or doing nice things for you) would be great the best thing that ever happened to me!!!
me: 27 year old white (but very tan) male. in AMAZING shape (you can do laundry on my abs), handsome (I make George Clooney look homely), funny (I do stand-up as a hobby when I'm not saving the world and feeding the homeless) and a great snuggler (You'll sell your snuggie after I'm done with you)!
What our handsome Adonis was actually saying was:
i miss holding a woman tight in my arms. spooning under the covers, keeping each other warm on a cold night. watching a good porn movies while cuddling in bed and maybe falling asleep in each others arms.
im not looking for sex or a hook up.. but a friend and snuggle buddy would be great okay until I find someone that will put out or I can get you drunk enough to let me put my penis in you.
me: 27 year old white I have a computer monitor tan male there's a penis somewhere amidst the forest of pubes I've never groomed, I'm sure of it. in A shape (resembling a circle), handsome (if you ask my grandma), funny looking and a great snuggler (At least my teddy bear seems to like it)!
There you have it! I will have something else for you at some point in the next few days, but I needed to take a little brain break while I work on the real thing.
Good morning/afternoon/whatever my handful of loyal fans! (All two of you)
It's a beautiful day here in The City and I'm happily sitting around in my vagina den counting down the minutes to when I get to go outside and play. (Or something like that).
It's Friday, and I'm desperately looking forward to my weekend. (All two days that I've had to work this week were extremely difficult). I will be at my second V job tomorrow, but that will be short-lived and will mostly involve my research in the field of crotchety car salesmen.
Working with a dealership full of grumpy car salesmen has definitely taught me a lot in the differences between men and women, especially in the communication field. (Nothing is better than a cantankerous old man bitching about his marriage in an environment that has only one girl). Apparently, when it comes to communication, I am a boy when it pertains to anyone I am not romantically interested in (so... EVERYONE), but I have my girl moments. Unfortunately, my girl moments are of epic proportion due to the fact that I so rarely take the time to become romantically attached to anyone. Perhaps this is a sign I should date more... But I digress. I was talking about my study of men and women and the fact that they might use the same words, but the words they use have insanely different meanings.
Allow me to illustrate:
Today, while working VERY hard, I stumbled across this jewel of a personal ad.
Hi, I just moved up here and need some passion in my life again I want someone to cuddle with, touch and make out with and if all goes well more Must love thick women I'm pretty easy going and laid back Your picture receives mine Put passion in your subject.
What our passionate princess actually meant was:
"I am recently out of a shitty relationship and moved to start a new life and get over him. I'm incredibly lonely and would very much like to have someone who would like to touch me. We can have sex if you tell me I'm pretty. I hope you don't mind that I've been eating my way out of the depression that my recent break-up threw me into. I will not argue with you or tell you anything you don't want to hear because I so desperately want you to hang around me. If you send me a picture I will send you a picture of my face and cleavage from a downward pointing angle taken on my camera phone. Please put passion as the subject line since 'random sex' sounds so crass."
What our passionate princess's suitor actually read was:
Hi, I just moved up here and need some passion in my life again I want someone to cuddle with, touch and make out with and if all goes well more Must love thick women I'm pretty easy going and laid back Your picture receives mine Put passion in your subject
Remember women... BE INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC in your writings. You never know what that dude is actually going to read.
