Cat Lady Pick-Up Lines #1

So, it's been a shitty day.

Nothing in particular, just woke up on the wrong side of the bed and have been a total snatch all day. So.... nothing new there.

Anyway, I was thinking it was time to answer the age old question that people keep asking me. 

"Phoebe," they ask, "you must be able to get any man you want! Tell me, how do you do it?"

Well, my friends... I am very smooth. Like a broken piece of balsa wood. Or coarse sandpaper covered in velcro. The men, they come falling at my feet (the minute they find out I'm paying for that last round). In discussion with one of my besties, we decided it was probably time for me to start showing you exactly how I find the amazing men that have graced my history with their presence.

I give you, Part 1 of how this future cat lady pulls in the men:

What Women Write VS What Men Read

Good morning/afternoon/whatever my handful of loyal fans! (All two of you)

It's a beautiful day here in The City and I'm happily sitting around in my vagina den counting down the minutes to when I get to go outside and play. (Or something like that).

It's Friday, and I'm desperately looking forward to my weekend. (All two days that I've had to work this week were extremely difficult). I will be at my second V job tomorrow, but that will be short-lived and will mostly involve my research in the field of crotchety car salesmen. 

Working with a dealership full of grumpy car salesmen has definitely taught me a lot in the differences between men and women, especially in the communication field. (Nothing is better than a cantankerous old man bitching about his marriage in an environment that has only one girl). Apparently, when it comes to communication, I am a boy when it pertains to anyone I am not romantically interested in (so... EVERYONE), but I have my girl moments. Unfortunately, my girl moments are of epic proportion due to the fact that I so rarely take the time to become romantically attached to anyone. Perhaps this is a sign I should date more... But I digress.  I was talking about my study of men and women and the fact that they might use the same words, but the words they use have insanely different meanings.


Allow me to illustrate:


Today, while working VERY hard, I stumbled across this jewel of a personal ad.


Hi, I just moved up here and need some passion in my life again I want someone to cuddle with, touch and make out with and if all goes well more Must love thick women I'm pretty easy going and laid back Your picture receives mine Put passion in your subject.

What our passionate princess actually meant was:

"I am recently out of a shitty relationship and moved to start a new life and get over him. I'm incredibly lonely and would very much like to have someone who would like to touch me. We can have sex if you tell me I'm pretty. I hope you don't mind that I've been eating my way out of the depression that my recent break-up threw me into. I will not argue with you or tell you anything you don't want to hear because I so desperately want you to hang around me. If you send me a picture I will send you a picture of my face and cleavage from a downward pointing angle taken on my camera phone. Please put passion as the subject line since 'random sex' sounds so crass." 

What our passionate princess's suitor actually read was:

Hi, I just moved up here and need some passion in my life again I want someone to cuddle with, touch and make out with and if all goes well more Must love thick women I'm pretty easy going and laid back Your picture receives mine Put passion in your subject     

Remember women... BE INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC in your writings. You never know what that dude is actually going to read.

Yay For Online Dating Advice

I'm at work again (I know... go figure). My cats are at home sleeping in sun spots and eating, I am here and not sleeping. I've definitely gotten eating out of the way though.

Anyway, enough about my eating (it was awesome) and back to my exciting life of playing on Facebook, texting my friends, and fantasizing about hugging all the cats (yes, I just said that, and that bitch can still lick my toes). Today, while playing on the internet, and pretending to actually be doing something useful, I decided to check out Cosmo-like internet love and dating sections. Those of you that hang with me (or are on my Facebook) know that I've finally taken up dating. I'm starting out slow though, he lives almost 3,000 miles from me.

 Today I learned five ways to make a guy feel special. I am a little confused, but I don't have a huge amount of dating experience and I am willing to follow the experts' advice. I want to make sure the future father of my kittens will be happy and content in our relationship.

#1: Guys feed on physical attention.

Hmm... now this goes a little against what I've always heard. But if you insist, I will spend the rest of my life pressing myself on my guy at all times. I think public events, and family affairs will be the best part for this. What better way to make sure he knows how much I love him than when I grind on his leg at the office Christmas party?

#2: Spend alone time with your guy often

So, not only do I have to constantly be touching him, but I need to be demanding alone time all the time too? I never knew! Now I understand what I've been doing wrong all this time. Instead of allowing my guy free time to hang with his boys I will take up clinging to him on the couch at all times. This will DEFINITELY show him how much I care.

#3: Tell your guy you can't live a single day without his help

Are you fucking kidding me??? Now I have to 1) dry hump him everywhere, 2) force him to give up any speck of his own life, and 3) tell him that changing a light bulb is too much for me to handle??? (I'm beginning to wonder if I should just let my guy think I hate him)

#4: Flirt with your guy

Okay. What kind of flirting are we talking? Is this the coy, hard-to-get teasing? Or maybe the elementary school kick-him-in-the-shins and laugh when he yelps in pain flirting??? There are so many options!

#5: Call him when you're away

Okay... so when he finally gets a chance to not have me sitting on his lap and claiming all of his attention I am supposed to call him constantly so he knows I care. Got it.

Have no fear my love, I will show you how much I care! Dating experts out there say this is how, I hope you're ready! You can say good-bye to hanging out with the guys for beers, watching tv in your "man cave", getting a chance to read that book you've been looking forward to, or really... just having a SINGLE SECOND alone! I will be there (either physically or on the phone) to show you how much I care! Because I love you.

Ain't love grand?