Just a Quick Translation For Your Amusement

What's up y'all???

Not much going on here, just hanging out on the computer at the V-Dealership waiting for the day to be over so I can go relax for the evening. By relax I mean sit BACK in front of the computer and continue working on all this "school crap".

A lot of you already know this, but for those of you that don't, I'm going to be unemployed in 2 months and will be returning to a higher learning institution (high school with ashtrays) to further my education. I've already turned in my notice at the vagina den. [insert shameless plug begging you to click on the ads on my blog so I can have money HAHAHA]

"But why, Phoebe?" you might ask, "why would you let go of the one thing that brings you so much joy? Looking at the vajajay!"

Well, my loyal fans, I am also brought joy by money. I would like some. I am poor. My laptop is dying (so I have to blog at the workplaces), I need new sweaterdresses (and perhaps a few more pairs of shoes), and my cats require more expensive food so they'll stop eating my flip flops for fiber. So.... I'm going back to school. I'm still working out the financial aid BS, but I've been accepted at one of the local colleges for my general ed stuff I need to get into a program. I need to make an appointment with a counselor and then I go back for my pre-requisites and start applying for nursing programs. I've been putting this off for a while, but I feel that I probably need a bachelor's degree if I'm going to snag me a rich man. I have the boobs, I do my best to resemble Barbie (tm), I wear too much make-up, spend too much time on my hair, and I'm working on the shoe collection... all I need is a piece of paper that says "I'm really not using you for your paycheck. Really. I promise... Can I stop working now?"

I haven't found Mr. Right Now yet, so I'm still looking... in between looking at dating sites and sugar-daddy offers online of course... I'm still working on my response to a real winner I found, but as all my friends are spurning me for my friend's blog on homeless people    http://seanthomasphoto.blogspot.com/  I thought I'd have to throw something up here to counter his monopolizing of my audience.

Yesterday's translation seemed to amuse many of my friends, so I'm going to offer this up as something to tide you over while I work on my real post.

Post I found today:

i miss holding a woman tight in my arms. spooning under the covers, keeping each other warm on a cold night. watching a good movie while cuddling in bed and maybe falling asleep in each others arms.

im not looking for sex or a hook up.. but a friend and snuggle buddy would be great.

me: 27 year old white male. in shape, handsome, funny and a great snuggler!
What a woman reads when she reads this ad:

i miss can't live without holding a woman tight in my arms while whispering sweet nothings about how amazing she is in every way and how jealous all her friends are of her. spooning under the covers after I bring her wine and snacks and light a fire and rub her back, keeping each other her warm on a cold night even when she puts her cold feet on my warm legs. watching a good phenomenal movie about true love that she picked out while cuddling in bed and maybe her falling asleep in each others my arms I will of course be on my back with her head on my shoulder so she can be comfortable and my arm can fall asleep.

im not looking for sex or a hook up because what I'm really interested in is your strength of character and personality.. but a friend (my only one) and snuggle buddy (every second I'm not working or doing nice things for you) would be great the best thing that ever happened to me!!!

me: 27 year old white (but very tan) male. in AMAZING shape (you can do laundry on my abs), handsome (I make George Clooney look homely), funny (I do stand-up as a hobby when I'm not saving the world and feeding the homeless) and a great snuggler (You'll sell your snuggie after I'm done with you)!

What our handsome Adonis was actually saying was:

i miss holding a woman tight in my arms. spooning under the covers, keeping each other warm on a cold night. watching a good porn movies while cuddling in bed and maybe falling asleep in each others arms.

im not looking for sex or a hook up.. but a friend and snuggle buddy would be great okay until I find someone that will put out or I can get you drunk enough to let me put my penis in you.

me: 27 year old white I have a computer monitor tan male there's a penis somewhere amidst the forest of pubes I've never groomed, I'm sure of it. in A shape (resembling a circle), handsome (if you ask my grandma), funny looking and a great snuggler (At least my teddy bear seems to like it)!

There you have it! I will have something else for you at some point in the next few days, but I needed to take a little brain break while I work on the real thing.

What Women Write VS What Men Read

Good morning/afternoon/whatever my handful of loyal fans! (All two of you)

It's a beautiful day here in The City and I'm happily sitting around in my vagina den counting down the minutes to when I get to go outside and play. (Or something like that).

It's Friday, and I'm desperately looking forward to my weekend. (All two days that I've had to work this week were extremely difficult). I will be at my second V job tomorrow, but that will be short-lived and will mostly involve my research in the field of crotchety car salesmen. 

Working with a dealership full of grumpy car salesmen has definitely taught me a lot in the differences between men and women, especially in the communication field. (Nothing is better than a cantankerous old man bitching about his marriage in an environment that has only one girl). Apparently, when it comes to communication, I am a boy when it pertains to anyone I am not romantically interested in (so... EVERYONE), but I have my girl moments. Unfortunately, my girl moments are of epic proportion due to the fact that I so rarely take the time to become romantically attached to anyone. Perhaps this is a sign I should date more... But I digress.  I was talking about my study of men and women and the fact that they might use the same words, but the words they use have insanely different meanings.


Allow me to illustrate:


Today, while working VERY hard, I stumbled across this jewel of a personal ad.


Hi, I just moved up here and need some passion in my life again I want someone to cuddle with, touch and make out with and if all goes well more Must love thick women I'm pretty easy going and laid back Your picture receives mine Put passion in your subject.

What our passionate princess actually meant was:

"I am recently out of a shitty relationship and moved to start a new life and get over him. I'm incredibly lonely and would very much like to have someone who would like to touch me. We can have sex if you tell me I'm pretty. I hope you don't mind that I've been eating my way out of the depression that my recent break-up threw me into. I will not argue with you or tell you anything you don't want to hear because I so desperately want you to hang around me. If you send me a picture I will send you a picture of my face and cleavage from a downward pointing angle taken on my camera phone. Please put passion as the subject line since 'random sex' sounds so crass." 

What our passionate princess's suitor actually read was:

Hi, I just moved up here and need some passion in my life again I want someone to cuddle with, touch and make out with and if all goes well more Must love thick women I'm pretty easy going and laid back Your picture receives mine Put passion in your subject     

Remember women... BE INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC in your writings. You never know what that dude is actually going to read.

Yay For Online Dating Advice

I'm at work again (I know... go figure). My cats are at home sleeping in sun spots and eating, I am here and not sleeping. I've definitely gotten eating out of the way though.

Anyway, enough about my eating (it was awesome) and back to my exciting life of playing on Facebook, texting my friends, and fantasizing about hugging all the cats (yes, I just said that, and that bitch can still lick my toes). Today, while playing on the internet, and pretending to actually be doing something useful, I decided to check out Cosmo-like internet love and dating sections. Those of you that hang with me (or are on my Facebook) know that I've finally taken up dating. I'm starting out slow though, he lives almost 3,000 miles from me.

 Today I learned five ways to make a guy feel special. I am a little confused, but I don't have a huge amount of dating experience and I am willing to follow the experts' advice. I want to make sure the future father of my kittens will be happy and content in our relationship.

#1: Guys feed on physical attention.

Hmm... now this goes a little against what I've always heard. But if you insist, I will spend the rest of my life pressing myself on my guy at all times. I think public events, and family affairs will be the best part for this. What better way to make sure he knows how much I love him than when I grind on his leg at the office Christmas party?

#2: Spend alone time with your guy often

So, not only do I have to constantly be touching him, but I need to be demanding alone time all the time too? I never knew! Now I understand what I've been doing wrong all this time. Instead of allowing my guy free time to hang with his boys I will take up clinging to him on the couch at all times. This will DEFINITELY show him how much I care.

#3: Tell your guy you can't live a single day without his help

Are you fucking kidding me??? Now I have to 1) dry hump him everywhere, 2) force him to give up any speck of his own life, and 3) tell him that changing a light bulb is too much for me to handle??? (I'm beginning to wonder if I should just let my guy think I hate him)

#4: Flirt with your guy

Okay. What kind of flirting are we talking? Is this the coy, hard-to-get teasing? Or maybe the elementary school kick-him-in-the-shins and laugh when he yelps in pain flirting??? There are so many options!

#5: Call him when you're away

Okay... so when he finally gets a chance to not have me sitting on his lap and claiming all of his attention I am supposed to call him constantly so he knows I care. Got it.

Have no fear my love, I will show you how much I care! Dating experts out there say this is how, I hope you're ready! You can say good-bye to hanging out with the guys for beers, watching tv in your "man cave", getting a chance to read that book you've been looking forward to, or really... just having a SINGLE SECOND alone! I will be there (either physically or on the phone) to show you how much I care! Because I love you.

Ain't love grand?