Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Sexiest Lines I've Heard Part Two

I promise I'll get around to writing another letter at some point, I'm just not finding anything that inspires me. That, and I have a lot of homework and not a lot of mental energy to invest in writing the thoughtful, well-intentioned responses I try to put out there. HA!

So instead....

I offer you:

Another sexy line that has had me wanting to tear my clothes off and throw myself on the ground at the feet of the man uttering it!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Sexiest Lines I've Heard Part One

In my wild adventures of dating, I've heard a lot of lines thrown at me. Unfortunately, most of them are along the lines of:

"Wow, you're purty. Hur Hur."  *insert man giggling uncomfortably while shifting back and forth and hoping this will work*

Not exactly the most eloquent of pick up lines, but nice try Pal. I think I'll just sit over here in my cat-hair infested sweater and imagine all the colors I could paint the litter-box room. 

Then there's the amazing lines that they are sure will work to impress you with their ardent desire to peek inside your panties such as:

"Daaaayummm girl! You are THICK!" (Real line heard in bar in LA circa 2006). Yeah, that went over well...

But, I have been told some things that I find sexier than anything in the entire world, and I've decided that I would like to share them with you... in illustrated form.

Sexy Line #1:

 

Sunday, January 15, 2012

First Dates

Today I found this:

FIRST DATE: nice underwear and strong yet gentle hands for you - 35 (SF/your place)

I'll keep my clothes (or at least boxers) on and you can wear whatever or what little you like. You get an attentive massage

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Dear Attentive Masseur,

Thank God I found this ad today! I can't tell you how long I've been looking for a man who will get naked (or at least almost naked... you did mention you have nice underwear) with me on the first meeting! Maybe you'd like to know if I have any cute friends who'd like to join us while you're at it? That's also something I never hear!

As a single woman with a pulse and under 500 pounds, you can imagine how difficult it is for me to fight off the suitors breaking down my door. It's such a horrible thing, all of them are trying to convince me to join them in deep and meaningful relationships as opposed to just having cheap, meaningless sex on the first date! I assure you, it's been very trying and I've been beginning o doubt my self-worth. Yet, finally, here I see a man who just wants to get naked and grope me... it's so unusual and exciting!

It's hard to explain how relieved I am that there are still men out there who would just like to get down to the naked-time and bypass all that "getting to know each other" crap. Not only will you get (almost) naked with me, but you're willing to touch me all over my body with strong, yet gentle, hands! That is FANTASTIC! Now I can have a strange man off the internet come over to my home, take off his clothes, and then touch me ALL over!!! That sure beats the free meal I've come to expect out of my "dating" exploits.

Write me back as soon as you can and I'll send you my address so you can come over. Don't worry about a picture, it's not important. I'm sure that only attractive and successful men would post on this website and I'm excited to meet you.

Looking forward to my massage,

Future Cat Lady

P.S. Don't forget to bring the rarely heard "mood" music by Kenny G or Marvin Gaye.