Saturday, January 19, 2013

How To Find Financially Stable Men Who Want Babies

I've got nothing...

Looking for a financially stable man who wants a baby ~ 30 yr old Female

I am a white woman interested in having a baby with a man who is financially stable. Maybe you have focused on your career and now want to have a pregnant girlfriend and start a family. Maybe you just didn't find the right woman. Let me know what you think. 

Dear Miss Right,

What an unusual concept. I'm quite shocked that you are a female that is a) interested in having children and b) wanting to have said children with a FINANCIALLY STABLE man. How novel! Most of the women I know are looking for a man living in his parents' basement with which to procreate. Bonus points if he is an actor or a professional online poker player! I think you are on your way to discovering an untapped resource! With an internet ad!! On a free, public forum!

I can't tell you how many of my male friends have come to me with this problem. They've spent their entire adult lives focusing on their career and providing themselves with the means to lead a comfortable life, but then, at the ripe, old age of 30, can't find a woman who would like to have a baby with them. Without being married. If I had a nickel for every time I hear, "Phoebe, I'm at a loss. I keep meeting all these independent, self-sufficient women who want to have a happy and fulfilling relationship and get married before having children. I don't understand why I can't find a woman who will let me support her and have children with me without any thoughts towards how the foundation of our relationship will provide the platform from which our children will be raised and learn values and how to treat others!" I would be a millionaire! Or at least be able to afford a cup of coffee out of the expensive vending machine at work! You know the one I'm talking about, the one with the flavors and the steamed "milk". MmmmmMMMMMmmmmm. 

In all seriousness, Miss Right, I really think you're on to something. But, how will you go about arranging this? Are there specific qualities you want your children to have? Hair color? Eye color? Ethnic background? Will the two of you have fertility/genetic testing done prior to your first meeting? You know, to make sure that neither of you are carriers of anything? ( is pretty impressive if you're looking for getting screened for every disorder you've never even heard of before). Perhaps your first date could be at a perinatologist's office for a joint genetic counseling session! Or maybe getting your hormone levels checked/semen analysis in a nice sterile lab environment. Wouldn't want to start a relationship with a man who has slow swimmers, if you know what I mean. What a bummer that would be! And, I'm sure he would be horrified to learn that you had premature ovarian failure. Perhaps you should get an AMH, aka anti-mullerian hormone, level done too just to make sure your egg reserves are still good. While 36 is still considered the earliest of ages to start worrying about fertility, you can never be too careful! Especially when everything in your relationship is based on his finances and your child-bearing capabilities. On second thought, maybe you two should skip meeting altogether until your Ob/Gyn and his accountant meet up and make sure everything is a go.

Anyway, I really should go. I've got to get this damned IUD removed and start posting on the internet so I can find me a financially stable man too! Here I thought just living as a responsible member of society would eventually find me a comfortable relationship...

Good luck out there! 

Your Future Crazy Cat Lady

P.S. Can't wait to see your future offspring in group therapy!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

I Wish I Was Real

What's up Blog? Long time, no talk. Here we are, a new year, a new plethora of eager dating enthusiasts, and me. You remember me, right? You know, your local, resident cat lady? I know I've neglected you recently, you know, for the last year or so, BUT I am back and determined to give you the attention you deserve. Where are you all going to learn about good dating practices, what women REALLY mean when they say something, or how to survive as a somewhat insane owner of multiple felines that do, in fact, hate you? Here, that's where! And I'll be trying to keep up on my posts, with or without acceptable grammar!

Okay, enough of that! On to today's special post.

I'm feeling especially cantankerous this afternoon. What I'd really like to do is rant about rude people in lines and how tired I am of being squashed between two people on the sidewalk; however, I feel that that would leave you somewhat dissatisfied, if not completely let down. Like I deceived you with the sweet, sweet promise of a new blog post only to have you discover an overwritten Facebook post in its place. I might as well just attach a picture of what I ate for lunch (it was delicious) and my cat doing "duck face". Have no fear! I found someone worthy of my blog. And without too much effort at that. 

Today's special guest is a lovely woman from one of my favorite dating forums who posted this charming note today:

BBWs are REAL women

Im not hot or gorgeous. . ..I don't have an amazing body or flat tummy. . .I'm not a supermodel. . .But I am REAL

I'm ME, I eat real food, I have curves. . .I may have more padding than I need. . .I have "MOM" scars and a history. . ..

Sum people love me, some people hate me. . .I've done good and I've done bad. . .

I love my P.J's and my teddy bear, I sumtimes go without make up. . .I'm random and crazy, Im honest and straight forward. . ..I never pretend to be someone I'm not, I am who I am

Love me or don't, but I won't change, you need to love me for me. . .BUT. . ..if I love you it will be with all my heart, loyalty and soul. . .I make no apologies for being REAL and being ME. . ... 

REAL men will know what this means and understand, hope to hear from you 

Now, don't get me wrong. I love me a REAL woman... but... SERIOUSLY?!


Dear Non-Imaginary Woman From an Undisclosed Location:

Congratulations! I am incredibly impressed with your knowledge of your existence. So many people battle with this thought process in their lives and you are SO sure of your "realness" (for lack of a better term) that you can repeat it, with absolute certainty, multiple times. As for me, personally, I often find myself questioning the reality of the situations I find myself in. Are we really here? Are we just in a dream that we'll wake up from when we "die" or perhaps go into another dream, and so on and so forth. How can I be sure that this is real? And then there's the all-important question: What is "real"? I was pondering on this thought this morning when I nosed around on this (unnamed) dating forum and found your post. It was like a heavenly light, shining down from the grey skies, showing me the answer to the question that has been plaguing me all my life. All I needed to do was look through the thousands of posts of women taking downward-angled, camera-phone photos of themselves after an unfortunate spray-tan incident to find this, rather eloquent, definition of reality.

"BBWs are REAL women". Am I not real? Does my lack of natural curves make my vagina somehow a fictitious part of my anatomy? Did I make the whole thing up? I'm so confused. (I'm not even going to start wondering where my last sexual partner put his penis if my girlie bits aren't actually there...). Not only that, but if I had an imaginary vagina I would imagine it to be a hell of a lot prettier! Also, if I'm reading your definition correctly, you cannot be real if you are hot, gorgeous, flat-stomached, are nuliparous, or don't have a history. Well, at least I have one claim to the elusive realness! I hate to break it to you, but I don't know anyone who doesn't have a history. Even a dull one. It's not like we just burst into the world as fully-formed, gorgeous, childless, adult women with flat stomachs, fabulous hair, and the curves of a 2x4 (since apparently you can only have curves if you're real). 

I don't think you're quite seeing what you wrote, so I'm going to offer you how your ad might come across to some people. I am SURE this isn't what you meant, since you wouldn't have a reason to be flat-out insulting to a large group of (fictitious) women who never said anything bad to, or about, you. Would you?

BBWs are REAL women. Skinny Bitches are fake hookers

Im not hot or gorgeous. I have low self-esteem and think it's everyone else's fault . ..I don't have an amazing body or flat tummy. I don't feel like exercising and don't want to feel guilty about this . .I'm not a supermodel.supermodels are fake bitches . .But I am REAL All those other things are obviously fake. My realness negates my lack of motivation for self-improvement.

I'm ME, (Who else would you be? I'm certainly not you) I eat real food,vegetables are for pussies! I have curves. I may or may not have them where you expect them . .I may have more padding than I need. this is internet code for being large . .I have "MOM" scars and a history.  . ..I can mean one of two things here: I either have an overabundance of stretch marks from my pregnancies and a long story to go with them, OR I have mommy issues and it's a long story that I will tell you after drinking too many daiquiris when you really don't want to know.

Sum people love me, I know this, I added them all up some people hate me I didn't add them up, they don't count. . .I've done good and I've done bad. . .  Look! I'm completely normal!

I love my P.J's and my teddy bear, I am still figuring out how to dress myself and own stuffed animals for some reason... pointing towards option #2 on my "MOM scars" I sumtimes go without make up I've added up every time I've done it too. . .I'm random and crazy, Im honest and straight forward I don't believe in hyphenation or apostrophes. . ..I never pretend to be someone I'm not, I've never gotten away with fraud I am who I am I love Popeye! 

Love me or don't, If you don't, you're obviously fake but I won't change,I don't think people should ever change. EVER. you need to love me for me since if men love women who are thin/fit/pretty/motivated it's obviously just because of their looks. . .BUT. . ..if I love you it will be with all my heart, loyalty and soul as opposed to all those other chicks who only like you for what they can get from you. . .I make no apologies (I know what you're asking yourself: How did she spell "apologies" correctly while completely raping the correct form of words and use of punctuation everywhere else?)  for being REAL Have I mentioned I exist? REALLY!! and being ME. Not you, but ME . ... 

REAL men will know what this means and understand, hope to hear from you  If you don't want to talk to an angry woman who hates other women because how they look without ever talking to them and is completely disinterested in improving herself in any way (and hates vegetables) then you are obviously a mirage. 

Perhaps you should consider your phrasing so that you are not implying that you are superior to other women in every sentence. I can only assume that that's exactly what you are upset about happening to you, yet you feel it is somehow more appropriate to "hate" on the skinny bitches. It's the same fucking thing, Chick!  I am not trying to attack you because of your curviness, or lack of spelling/grammar. What I'm trying to convey here, my incredibly real XX friend, is that women are beautiful whether they're curvy, round, flat, square, or anything in between. Because you perceive the world to be attacking you because of your curves, does not mean that it actually is. Your post is defensive from the get-go and suggests that anyone who is different than you is "fake". Your wording pushes the readers to infer that you are somehow superior to them because of nothing more than your "realness". You suggest that men who are attracted to women who are different than you are fake and wrong. It is being done in exactly the same way as you're implying they do to you. Revel in your curves, love how beautiful you are! Own that shit! But don't put other people down to make yourself feel like you're better than them. That makes you no better than whoever did that to you to make you feel this way in the first place. The world doesn't owe you anything, we're all a bunch of assholes thrown together and being forced to get along to keep things from coming to a grinding halt.

That being said, I'm going to take my fake tits and fluffed hair out of here. I might go to the gym on my way to the salad bar where I will order a crouton and one slice of lettuce that I will just throw up later anyway. 

All the best,

Your pissed off future cat lady

P.S. Could you please send me some of your "real food" recipes? I'd love to know what it tastes like.