Saturday, May 26, 2012

I Would LOVE to Draw You!!

Howdie, y'all!! How goes it?

So, here I was, bored at work (again) so I decided to continue my quest for the love of my life. On free internet dating forums, of course... While I was reading the, truly deep, love notes of the XY chromosomes in this city, (like, "Hey baby, wanna do me?"), I found a heartfelt request buried amongst the drivel.



Do you like to draw? Have you ever drawn from a male's body?

I've always fantasized to be a figure drawing model for a woman and to have her draw me in the nude.

I wouldn't feel comfortable modeling in front of a full class of people (like they do in college), but feel like I would definitely enjoy it in a more private setting.

You don't have to be a professional artist. I would prefer if you were a mature woman (35+).

I'm a good-looking, 31-year-old, professional, respectful, Caucasian man.

Are you game?

Dear Future Muse,

I saw your ad this morning and I am soooo excited to write to you! I love to draw! I've never drawn FROM a male's body (I'm not entirely sure what that even entails, honestly, my mind goes to some rather bizarre conclusions from that sentence), but if it involves a complete stranger standing in the buff in my living room, I am totally game! It will be very private, but I hope you don't mind my cat being there... he's nosy (and indoor only).

Your ad is really helping me out with a predicament I've found myself in. Whenever I sit around and try to come up with things to do with my spare time, I'm like, "I know! I'll practice my life-drawing skills! But, how do I get a strange man to come stand naked in my living room?" I mean, why would I want to draw a woman with her curves and natural aesthetic beauty? A 30-something year old man who obviously spends a lot of time on the internet is probably FAR more interesting to look at naked. I'm doubly grateful that you're posting this on a dating site and offering to come over and take your clothes off... because it's almost IMPOSSIBLE to get a man to take his clothes off for me. Especially when I meet him on the internet! Thank GOD I found your post.

I'm also glad you don't mind if I'm not a professional artist, I always get nervous about people judging my work. But, I suppose I could claim "professional"... my stuff has been published!! I mean, I once one an art competition with a splatter painting! (I went above and beyond and outlined the splatters with ink). It gives me great faith in the artistic community when I can throw shit together and be given props for my "deep effort". Sigh... Remind me to tell you the stories of my winning poetry contests while I'm sketching your (I'm presuming) very manly attributes.

Anyway, I took all the information you put out in your ad and put together a preview for you. You know, so you can see the talent that I offer up...


Looking forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,

Future Cat Lady

P.S. Please bring censor bar (I really don't want to see that stuff)


Friday, May 11, 2012

Really?

Just a quick hello from the city before I head out for the weekend. I wasn't planning on posting anything until I could compose something worthy of my ten readers, but I saw this and I really couldn't help but respond.

Do you have the biological urge to become pregnant, but do not want the responsibility of parenthood?

Would you like to give birth to a beautiful baby and nurse it and care for it for a year or two (with assistance)?

If you're young, healthy, esthetically pleasing, non-smoker, drug-free, intelligent, emotionally stable, kind, compassionate, gentle, and good with children, then contact me.

I am ready to be a father, but after a divorce (no children) I would like to avoid the pain and suffering that often comes from spousehood.

This is NOT a commercial offer.

Responses with PICTURES are PREFERRED.

Thank you for your interest.

Dear Future Baby Daddy,

Gee whiz! I just read your ad and I cannot believe my eyes! It has been so long since I've found a man willing to get me pregnant (and have me take care of his offspring for a year or two) that I was losing hope of every finding one at all! I mean, how else would I want to spend 40 weeks of my life than having a couple months full of nausea, a few months of sciatica, crazy dreams, unusual food cravings, awful hemorrhoids, constipation, headaches, shortness of breath and then the JOYS of delivery!! Not to mention getting all the blood tests and ultrasounds and the 25 extra pounds on top of all that. Maybe I'll even get to have an episiotomy too! Then you'd let me nurse the critter for two years?? You are a giver. I can only imagine that after all of that, and then two years of bonding with it, I would be totally ready to hand that sucker off and never see it again!

I did want to ask... what if you don't like our offspring? Would you still be willing to take it off my hands? Or do I have to keep it? I don't think we can very well drop it off at the Humane Society, so we might want to discuss that a little further. I am sure you would never do something like leave me hanging with a baby, no support, and no idea where you disappeared to though! After all, you're a legit and caring man looking for a woman to knock up on an internet dating forum. That's Klassy with a K.

Anyway FBD, I have to run. Good luck out there! I have an appointment to go bond with foster kids (we're coming up on year two) before I walk out of their lives and never talk to them again. I hear that is fucking fabulous for the mental health of small children. Let me know if you want to start this, I'm looking forward to being unable to see my toes.

Sincerely,

Your Future Cat Lady

P.S. Please consider sterilization

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Cat Lady Pick-Up Lines #1

So, it's been a shitty day.

Nothing in particular, just woke up on the wrong side of the bed and have been a total snatch all day. So.... nothing new there.

Anyway, I was thinking it was time to answer the age old question that people keep asking me. 

"Phoebe," they ask, "you must be able to get any man you want! Tell me, how do you do it?"

Well, my friends... I am very smooth. Like a broken piece of balsa wood. Or coarse sandpaper covered in velcro. The men, they come falling at my feet (the minute they find out I'm paying for that last round). In discussion with one of my besties, we decided it was probably time for me to start showing you exactly how I find the amazing men that have graced my history with their presence.

I give you, Part 1 of how this future cat lady pulls in the men:

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Sexy Lines VI

There are times when I look at my dating life and think, "gee... why am I alone?" I can't quite put my finger on it most of the time, I know there are guys out there that want to go out with me. I could probably even find someone stupid enough to date me "long-term", but for some odd reason I keep finding myself going home with my cats.

Along with perusing personal ads, making bad cartoons, and harassing people that want nothing to do with me via text message; I also have a hobby of sitting around and comparing my life to a movie... or at the very least, a TV show. Then I realized that if my dating life was a TV show it would be something along the lines of the bad '90s show "Love Connection."

And that's when the truth of my dating life dawned on me:

 

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Sexy Lines Part V

So, as I think about true situations I have found myself in throughout this whole "dating experience", I recall many of the compromises that I've been willing to make to make the object of my affection happy.

You'd be surprised at how close to accurate this might actually be...