Saturday, April 28, 2012

Sexy Lines Part IV

So, this morning, as I was BARTing to the dealership after a completely un-cat-lady-like evening of drinking ALL THE CAR BOMBS in San Francisco... well... half of them (my friend drank the other half), I got a note on Facebook from my Gypsy advising me that she needed more of the sexiest lines I've ever heard.

So... as per special request... I give you:

The way to assure this girl will never look at another man. In fact, this is probably the most surefire way to make me never want to let you out of my sights. I will follow you around like a puppy to the ends of the earth... And yet another reason why I go home to my cats every night.

Yup... true story.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Marriage Advice

Good day to you my fine readers!

Today, as I was wasting time at my computer and being sure to look like I was attending to something incredibly important, I found this interesting nugget. I'm not really quite sure what to say about it, I am definitely the last person I would go to for relationship advice, but... well... Here, why don't you guys just take a little peek really quick.

Title: I miss the Man U had the potential to be

Why do you always wait for the moment that will make your words cut the deepest? Why do you have to use the words that bring tears to my eyes? Most husbands hurt when they see their wives tears.....I'm beginning to think you enjoy it.  

I know, right? What does one say to something like this?

Dear Married Teenager,

Today, while reading your letter I felt a surge of emotion going out to you. Your pain was completely apparent and I am SO sorry you felt that you had to put something like this out on the "Missed Connections" for your husband to read. I am positive that this note really touched him and showed him the pain and misery he is causing you! (Although, hopefully he can figure out which one of his "wives" wrote this). Luckily, it's completely obvious who he is, and I'm sure he'll have no problem knowing that this note (on a public internet forum) is for him. 

Honestly, I think writing public, passive-aggressive notes for your partner is an excellent way of dealing with problems in a relationship. I know that whenever my cats piss me off, the first thing I do is run off to my laptop and hammer out the most wicked note you'll ever see. Then I post it on every site I can find. Hell, I even have a Yelp review on the effers! One more hairball and Chrissy is down to half a star! Maybe you should do that! You and the rest of his wives could get together and write a review on his performance as a husband. He would probably TOTALLY get it if he saw his star-rating plummet down to 1. It works for everywhere else, why not in a marriage? 

This note is by far the best example I've seen in marital problem solving! I think I might recommend this to Dr. Phil. Heaven forbid you actually talk to him and say something like, "it hurts my feelings when you do this." I would say to throw in a tear or two, but it sounds like you've already done that and he totally digs it. What a sick bastard! I bet he does it on purpose! (Although, I don't know a man out there that doesn't love women crying... the minute the waterworks start they go crazy for it).

Wait, I've got an idea! Maybe Dr. Phil will let you guys go on his show!! Because, even better than a vague, public note on the internet, dragging your significant other onto a live TV show and airing all your problems to be reviewed by a live, studio audience is an amazing example of really putting in the extra effort for your relationship. I think you guys have got something special here.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you a little encouragement in your remarkable problem-solving skills and say, keep up the good work! Wives like you help ensure that I won't have a date for the next ten years. And for that, I am eternally grateful!

Sincerely,

Your Future Crazy Cat Lady

P.S. I will expect my Yelp review by tomorrow, I really want to see how those stars rack up. 

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Who Could Say No?

Huh... well... Looking at this ad, all I can say is, "Wouldn't we all like that?"

Looking for a man who can support me. I want to have a big art collection and live in an expensive home. I am studying to be an artist and interior designer. I like an active lifestyle. I like to go out to eat at nice restaurants. I enjoy shopping.

My dear starving art student,

It was with much interest that I looked at your personal ad this weekend. It was quite a an impressive read, and I really wanted to give it the full amount of consideration it is worth. I definitely didn't want to reply too hastily, as I think you truly have something special here. After carefully perusing it, and thinking deeply about all the matters at hand, I just wanted to help you a little bit to get the maximum number of worthy responses you deserve. 

First off, normally I suggest women just come right out and say what they want, but obviously you need no such encouragement. In fact, I would recommend the opposite. Perhaps you should slow down a little bit, at least for the first sentence. Maybe you should start out with something like: "looking for a comfortable man of substance" or something along those lines. Just coming out and saying you're looking for a man to support you might give your readers the wrong idea. Like you're just looking for a paycheck or something! And I am completely sure that's not what you're trying to say! It's obvious you're looking for someone to share a long and meaningful relationship with you. I can see that, but your readers might not get that idea, and we wouldn't want that sort of misunderstanding getting in your way.

Actually, maybe we should rewrite the whole thing. How it's coming across right now is:

I don't want to work and I would like a man who has no self-esteem and would like to pay me to hang out with him. I want him to buy me a ton of shit to decorate the over-sized house I will demand from him. I want over-priced canvases covered in splatter-painting so I can show how in-touch I am with the thriving art scene. My major is 99.9% guaranteed to never get me a job that will pay more than my cell phone bill. I would like for you to pay for me to go on vacations and perhaps pay for an incredibly attractive personal trainer to assist me in my "activities". I can't cook. At all. I would like to spend your money and I have absolutely no hobbies whatsoever.

I don't think that this is quite what you were trying to say, so I propose this minor edit. It might help just a little bit in convincing a man to supply you with all the things you want.

Wanted: Man to make the dying wishes of a end-stage cancer victim come true.

I have very little time left and would like to have a man to spend my last days with. Due to my debilitating condition I cannot work and it would be helpful if you could provide me with the little things in life so we can enjoy each other in my last few days on this earth. I've always wanted to be surrounded by beautiful masterpieces that are in an expansive hall displaying them. I had aspirations of creating such works of art, and displaying them in a tasteful and elegant display, but my dream has been stolen from me due to a cruel twist of fate. My doctors have suggested that I exercise as much as possible in order to help me fight off this awful disease. My hands shake too much from my medications to allow me to cook very well. Going to the mall and boutiques allows me a small amount of comfort as I buy things and pretend I'll be able to use them before I die.
*cough cough*  

I think that this might be as good as what you wrote, and might actually land you someone before your original ad.

Let me know what you think!

Sincerely,

Future Cat Lady

P.S. I would bill you for my services, but I have no need of any more mediocre art or flower arranging. Best of luck!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Why Play Alone?

Sigh...

So here I am, trying to end my day at the shack, and I find this particular piece of literature:

I am working sort of halfheartedly; actually watched some online porn, which I rarely do. Mutual masturbation is fun and allows for the appropriate emotional distance between strangers...we can adjust things as we see fit but I am comfortable with a no touch rule. As for me, I am tall, fit, endowed (+/-), nice to look at and I have a relaxed, respectful attitude along with a nice voice and active imagination. I am completely genuine and available. Solo is no fun. 


Dear Solo,


What an excellent idea you have! I often find myself watching online porn at work and thinking, "You know what would make this better? Having a complete stranger watch me take care of business!!" But, can't be having him get too close... no coffee or anything first. I mean, I definitely want to keep the appropriate emotional distance between myself and the random man off of the internet forums I've invited to watch me masturbate. Can't be letting him get too close now. Now that I think about it, is there a particular distance you'd like to keep us apart? Should we be sitting across the room from each other? Side by side? I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Maybe we should do what they do in Jr. High dances and keep the Book of Mormon between us at all times. That seems appropriate.

I'm quite pleased you managed to include that you are tall and well-endowed in your ad as well. That is very important to me when selecting the man to watch me in my most intimate of moments. I can't even fathom the idea of a short man sitting across the room from me while I imagine Vin Diesel ripping his mesh shirt off with his pinkie finger. That would be so wrong.


Anyway, I really just wanted to send you a quick note since my porn-watching-while-at-work time is almost up. Hope everything worked out even though you were solo, and I can't wait to hear back from you.


Sincerely,


Your Future Crazy Cat Lady


P.S. Please bring Book Of Mormon

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Holy Hell! Really?!?!

Well howdie, y'all! Long time, no talk... My fault, I know. Whatever. I'm a jerk. But, you all knew that anyway.

I personally think the reason why I haven't felt like writing anything has been because I kind of got over the bitterness. But, just a few days ago, I got a solid reminder of why boys are ridiculous... when I found THIS:

Title: "Your window of opportunity has passed" (Title is possibly edited for grammar/spelling corrections... oops)

to ever be with me. I tried and tried you said I pushed. No more I gave up. Will be your friend will work together but you need to at least meet me half way.

If not I will go my own way.

I have agreed with you and tried to believe you when you said it was my pushing but you led me on then blamed me for pushing.

Now I will call you once about work and if you dont respond I will not bother worrying I will do it myself.

I hope you find what you are looking for this has been miserable.

No matter how bad something is good can be found in everything so I thank you for the good 


Dear Whiny Little Bitch:

It was fascinating to me to find this angst-ridden note in the "missed connections" section. This is definitely not the first I've found in this area, but something about it just struck a chord in my wee, little heart, and I had to respond.

I was VERY impressed with your letter! I mean, really, what woman wouldn't read your note of (I'll paraphrase) "Waaahhhh, you didn't want to go out with me so I followed you around until you finally got so fed up with me that you told me to piss off!" and immediately wonder what she'd done to lose such a magnificent specimen? I know I'm hoping that you'll continue to post this note at regular intervals for the rest of the week so I can piece together where you are and fling myself at your feet.

Honestly WLB, I wholeheartedly agree with you. If you're interested in someone else, they should totally want you back! You are completely entitled to be able to date her, and if she doesn't give in to that? Well, eff her! Especially if you offer all your attentions under the label of "friendship" so she feels safe until you spring the "I have feelings for you talk" at her after she's let her guard down. I bet she led you on by saying good-morning to you at the water cooler, or accepting the coffee you brought her. She is getting what she deserves!! You definitely proved your point to her. In fact, I'll bet she's been combing the personals ads all week in hopes of finding vague, passive-aggressive notes written by men she hasn't been interested in dating. I thought it was hawt. Not only did you show her what was up by writing such a monumental piece of literature, you then informed her, publicly, that you were going to ignore her from now on. Probably as actively as you ignore little things like punctuation, sentence structure, and the correct tense of words in your sentences. Maybe, if this letter doesn't work, you could do what my cat does and just go sit with your back to her for extended periods of time. That will totally show her! I mean, you guys work together... it should be way easy!

Anyway, just wanted to send you a little note of encouragement. I love how you're going about this! In fact, if you're free later this week, maybe you'd like to come to MY job and tell me all about how you're ignoring me. That sounds like fun.

Best of luck out there champ,

Your Loving Future Cat Lady 


P.S. Please grow a pair