Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Panty Raid!!!

Well, hi there! It's been a while since I've written anything humorous, so I thought I'd put something out there.

I was super excited to find this ad the other day. I've heard of this fetish for years, but have yet to find anyone that really wanted to purchase used panties from a girl. Years ago, when I lived in Oregon, a girl went missing and one of the (unfortunate) prime suspects was an Asian student who had an enormous collection of stolen panties. He'd snagged them out of dryers on and off campus and while they were looking for clues for Brooke, they stumbled upon his panty stash. His collection was obviously fairly mild as he snagged them already laundered, but it was still quite the scandal. (I have to admit, I like cleanliness in a man).

Our fastidious panty-grabber was not a man who stole the owners of the underwear he snatched, but he'd been publicly outed and it opened my eyes to the wide world of how to fund my schooling (other than people checking out the ads on my page... *blatant plug to make me some money so I can only be a somewhat hungry student vs starving*). I was trying to figure out how to get into the panty-selling business when I stumbled across this particular ad.



Hi Sexy Bay Area Ladies:  Do we have to be sexy? I mean, it's just our underwear you want. How about just moderately good looking?

Are any of you out there interested in making a very easy $100?
Well, DUH!

I will pay you that much for a pair of your sexy skimpy undies.
Your version of sexy, or mine?

There are some details I'd like to discuss with you about the transaction. One thing is that I'd like to meet live for the exchange. So, if you have any interest in this, please let me know.

I promise a safe, sane, and fun encounter.
Thank God! I hate dangerous underwear that go insane when I'm trying to put them on. I've got a scar... I'm actually a totally nice and professional guy. Right, and I'm a totally normal chick who just happens to dig through the personals on a regular basis. Wait a minute...

Thanks!
No problemo, Chief! Just bring that $100 on over here!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Panty Purchasing Pal,

It was with much interest that I read your inquiry into the ownership of my frilly bits this morning. After a great deal of careful consideration, I think that I can help you with your quest for soiled skivvies. I just have a few things I need to ask before we can get together and I can hand over my underoos for cash. (Sorry, I don't take PayPal or checks).

First off, do you have a preference for skimpy undies? Are you a briefs man? Or perhaps you are more inclined to ass-floss? Probably more fragrant that way... I have them all, you just need to tell me which ones you want so I can unwrap them and put them on. I'm not really attached to any of them, I never wear them anyway, and I think the most I spent on any of them was $6.95 so it's all profit for me. If you'd prefer, we could go panty shopping and you could pick your poison.

I was trying to find a vending machine, but it looks like Japan actually has outlawed used panty sales (although they still allow new panties) from vending machines, so that might be why you're questing online for the elusive panty trove. Have no fear, I am resourceful and I think we can find panties in other places I know Victoria's Secret is probably having their semi-annual "Panty Raid" at some point soon, we could get five for $25! Just think of all the crotch huffing you could get out of that!!! Or we could just go and buy a 5-pack of briefs from WalMart real quick. I love WalMart clothes... it's the only time I've ever been an XXS in anything... especially panties!!!

I suppose my most important question is... are you wanting panties that I myself have worn? Or just panties that I own? I have an odd legacy of inheriting random articles of underthings out of relationships. Like the enormous amount of socks floating around the bottom of my sock drawer. I have at least one sock from every relationship I've been in (except for two, but I ended up with shirts from those). Also, what time of the month are you WANTING these panties from? I'm not pointing any fingers or anything, but some girls rarely wear underwear unless it's THAT time of the month, and I would hate to surprise or disappoint you (depending on what you're going for).

Before I go, I was also wondering... What kind of "live" meeting are you wanting? Like, do you want to see me in the panties before you'll pay me? If you're wanting to see me IN the panties I'm afraid there's going to be an extra fee for "shipping and handling" if you know what I mean. Or maybe you're thinking something more covert... like I could show up in an over-sized trench coat with panties hanging off the lining and you could pick the pair you want while we stand in a dark alley. I could totally do that, I even have the perfect coat for that meeting.

Anyway, darling panty-quester, I look forward to coming to an arrangement with you (and getting some of these underwear out of my closet).

Warmest Regards,

Future Cat Lady


P.S. You might want to bring a lint roller... any article of clothing that's entered my house leaves with at least an inch of cat hair.



Friday, December 16, 2011

Ha!

I was bored today, and started perusing the "Missed Connections" section of Craigslist, and I saw this particular ad...

And... 

Well...

I think I know her. HA!

I can't decide if maybe her boyfriend wrote this for her to flirt or if it's someone else. 

Ah well....

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/mis/2754119619.html

Ronnie P. - m4w (san leandro)

I can tell from the way you look at me. We both want it. Why not go for it. I can keep it discrete, can you? You turned me on so much last weekend. I know you'll never read this but wtf why not?



Dear friend of "Ronnie P",

I'm glad you can both keep it discreet. I can too. Well, maybe not, but I can spell it properly! Can you? 

I was curious about one thing... Did your decision of what you both want come from mutual conversation? Or was it more of a "she totally wanted it, I could tell by her clothes" sort of thing?

I am dying to know. 

I'm sure her giant boyfriend is as well. Is that why you need to keep it discreet? Or is it fear of people that know her that read Craigslist ads for fun finding out of your mutual interest?

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Future Crazy Cat Lady (with no life)

P.S. Shall I forward this to her for you? 

Monday, December 12, 2011

Need a Mac Book??

HA! Hahahahahahaha!

Hahahahaha!

Okay, I feel better now. I've seen some funny shit on Craigslist, but this one was super amusing to me, probably just because it's so fricking practical!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I would like to trade my Mac book pro for your service.

if you are a struggling student, single mom or laid off from work or just need a little help getting back on your feet. You're a young, petite Asian/White/Latina girl under 35 yrs old.Drug and Disease free is a must.

I'm a good looking professional guy in my 30's. I'm respectful, sincere and would not treat you any different than how I would like to be treated. Basically, we're just two people coming together to help meet each other's needs.

15.4" Mac book pro (not the unibody style) It has a core2duo 2.5 GHz processor, 160GB HDD, 2 GB RAM (upgradable to 4).
With Apple Snow Leopard OS+ iLife 11

If this sounds like you, please send a picture or if you are uncomfortable about sending a picture, please describe yourself a bit. Like you, I need to be safe and discreet about this so we can talk on the phone or meet at a public place before going forward.


Worth $600+ Interested contact me for more details. 


I have no disposable income. I would like to have sex. I got a new laptop from my mother for Christmas. I was wondering if I could trade you my old laptop for sex.

Please don't tell anyone, and please don't be too ugly. Please don't have the clap.

Thanks.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Perfect Wife

Happy weekend all! I just finished moving the big stuff to my new apartment (cats to be moved in 1.5 hours) and I decided I needed a little break while working at the dealership to write a little something something...

So I started nosing through the ads, and I found this. It seems pretty straight forward, but I think she left a few things out, and to be completely fair to the men out there, I think I should translate.


If I were your wife/girlfriend:

I would:
*offer conversation based on the days headlines and event From Cosmo.
*lend an ear to hear about your day/concerns/milestones During commercials while I'm watching Oprah.
*have a hot meal ready to go at the end of the day Do you prefer Burger King or McDonalds?
*keep a clean house by demanding you do "your half" after you get home from work.
*watch sports with you 'interactively.' I will "interact" with you by whining and nagging throughout the entire game and interrupting to have you explain what just happened
*accept what you bring to the table with the utmost gratitude Until I know you're not going anywhere, then I will proceed to tell you everything that you lack and fail at.

All while wearing an apron and heels. ;-) For the first two months, then I will of course revert to the housewife uniform of sweats and Uggs. Hairbrushing will become 'optional'.

In all seriousness, I'm college educated, hard working, fun/laughter loving, creative/imaginative and am seeking a long term relationship with one person -- not fwb or special arrangements.

(Read: I went to school and didn't land myself a meal ticket. I'm tired of having a job, I want to stay home and be taken care of while eating bonbons, and look forward to not actually having to have sex with you)

Please be local and between 35-42, and at least 5 ft 6 inches tall and have something to hold on to.
(Read: I don't want to have to travel to see you, and it would be nice if you were less attractive than me so I wouldn't have to worry about you running off with someone else).



Good day!