Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Ah the Joys of Men

Hey y'all. Sorry for the sporadic posting, I will try to get myself on a better timeline. But, I won't be doing that any time THIS week, I'm going on vacation. Yes! Even cat ladies need to get away, and I'm going to a tropical island paradise. Single. No man. HA! Every cat lady's dream. Well, it might be better if I could bring my feline companions, but as they're total pains in the ass, I'm pleased with leaving them at home.

As many of you know, I decided to reach out and see if I could give this whole "dating" thing a go over the last couple months. I'm sure you're all dying to know how that went. I'm not telling. Not out of respect for his privacy, but merely because I don't feel like wasting the time writing about it. My cat's are quite pleased with the end result which involves my being home with them and catering to their every whim. It's better this way.

While experiencing the joy of "love" I learned that I have absolutely no idea what men actually mean when they say things. After realizing this horrific shortcoming in myself, I put in a couple months of careful research so I could thoroughly and accurately understand what a man is actually saying when words come out of his mouth.

I can't claim to be a native G.U.Y. (Gonna Use You) speaker, but I think that I'm beginning to learn how to decipher this cryptic language. There are many variations of this language... L.A.D. (Lying And Deceitful) is the my personal forte, although there is also C.H.A.P. (Can't Handle Anything Properly), D.U.D.E. (Doesn't Understand Dating Etiquette) or M.A.L.E. (Mostly A Lying Egomaniac). There is a rare dialect out there called M.A.N. (Most Amazing Nurturer) which is rarely found, and is almost always associated with father/daughter communication.

With all the research that I put into learning these languages in the recent months, I thought that it would only be fair to share my findings. I will now interpret one of my favorite ads I see creep around the dating sites on a regular basis. 

I seek a very special, yet maybe impossible to find girl.. I'm looking for a girl who is emotionally damaged and desperately needs a man to make her feel "special" and "different" from the other girls. However, I believe that we live in a Universe that is positive, dynamic and reflective of all we think, feel and do. I hope she's a new-age hippie so I can tell her it was karmic fate that led us to find each other So..I think if I feel this way, I must do something about it in order to find her.......... Hopefully this ten page CL post will lure in sad, lonely girls who will happily remove their panties for me.

You are very beautiful, in fact your beauty has often been a curse as it has become a wall that stops people seeing the true you. Yeah, you like that line? It's almost as good as, "you're so attractive you're intimidating." You are incredibly sexual, sensual, open and comfortable with your needs. You will let me put my penis in you. Your nature is to be submissive, yet the irony of your looks is that most men are unable to give you the strength and direction you have always looked for but never found. It will make me feel better about myself if you support me financially but let me tell you what to do.

You dress in a way that is sometimes provocative, often "head turning" but always with an extra degree of class and style, that sets you apart from others... You are a girl. You like clothes and shoes. I like you in clothes that show me your boobs. If I tell you it's classy you will wear it and I will be able to look at your boobs while you think you're "special" and different from other girls in the same whorish top.

You are a deep thinker, you have an emotional and sensitive soul that stays protected from the world, behind a facade of independence created to keep your heart safe from disappointment and pain. If I tell you you're smart you will think I want something other than your boobs. No woman wants to think of herself as clingy so I will tell you how independent you seem and how "strong."

You are a paradox, you could easily be the most explicit porn star, yet you are intelligent and creative and now seek something more profound in life. Please have sex with me.

You have searched for love and only found shallow relationships that never fulfilled or uplifted you. You've been dumped (like everyone else) and feel sorry for yourself. I will comfort you. Have sex with me.

You have dreamt of being discovered by the one man who will understand, accept and LOVE you for all you have been, all that you have become and all that you are yet to be..He will accept you without judgement or jealousy - without shock or matter WHAT has happened in your life, he welcomes you with open arms and no condition. I will pretend to listen while you cry about your loss of virginity. Let me hold you. Have sex with me.

You want to live a life that is filled with laughter and adventures. Where loyalty, faith and passion are the foundations of a long term relationship. Have sex with me in the future.

You are tired and weary of the world you have lived in so far and you hunger for something that you have never experienced before. I'm different! I swear. (Have sex with me).

You are not looking to club and get wasted, or party and pass out. You are just as happy to have your hand held whilst sitting in a park, gazing across the City and listening to your lovers words whisper secret messages to you as being blindfolded and taken on a mystery trip to a beautiful location for a long lost weekend. I am old and would be laughed at if I went to the club. Let me tie you up and put you in the trunk of my car so we can "get away" for the weekend. It's a surprise.

You ache to be childlike and naive as well as mature and crawl under a "tent" made of sheets spread across sofas and tables and fall asleep in his arms is just as beautiful as sharing a bottle of fine wine whilst watching the sun set. Please be 20 years younger than me so I can sound intelligent and mature. I can buy alcohol! Have sex with me!!

You may or may not have close family but you seek a man that will give you the protection, inspiration and the safety to be YOURSELF, nothing hidden, nothing denied...You dream of letting go and trusting...the one thing that has always been so hard for you to TRUST... I would like to isolate you from all your family and friends so that you will have no one but me to support you. You will never, ever leave me that way! Then I will be able to convince you to have sex with me.

There may have been things you have done in your life that you look back in with guilt or shame...but these don't matter to him, for he loves you for the SOUL inside... I don't mind if you let that guy put it in your butt. Can I?

You seek a relationship that borders on obsessively loving and needing, but in a healthy way...where each are confident in the love of the other and there are no awkward moments or envious fact there never need be an argument as LOVE is too important to tarnish with negative energy and bad words... I think you are delusional and actually believe that this is possible. And then you will let me have sex with you.

You love music and artistic ideals, you are kind and empathetic with fact, you are a very loyal friend that gives so much yet gets so little in return..You are often let down by those who you have tried to help the most...sometimes you have to deal with their jealousy or their lack of self confidence around you...but you try to take the moral higher ground and not respond in kind.. You are so smart and loving and perfect and all your friends are just jealous. Now, have sex with me.

In your secret innermost thoughts, you need to be lover, partner, best friend, confidante and sex kitten...but this is your paradox, you need to be all these things, but only for one man... Pick me! Pick me!

You are not interested in material things anymore (nice and fun though they are) I can't afford to buy you anything but now you seek the spiritual connection that will let you live life with LOVE in everyway, everyday... You would happily invite me to stay having never even met me because you believe and trust in life like I do. I don't have a job or a place to live. Please let me stay with you.

So if this is YOU, if my words have touched many nerves..if you are genuine and serious in your search for someone that is unlike ANYONE you have ever met before...I wish to hear from you.. I'm definitely not like anyone you've ever met before. I would like to tie you up and leave you in your basement while I live in your house for free.

I am quite prepared for the fact that no one will reply to this, No one ever replies, I post this several times a month  as I believe all that I have described here is just the tip of an amazing iceberg of very specific qualities that I SEEK in someone It has to be that there is no girl as amazing as I've described. It couldn't possibly be the fact that I want to mooch off of her..and maybe she doesn't look at online dating sites I don't go to normal dating sites because I have to post a picture...maybe she is still unsure if I exist and has given up her search I am sure there's a woman looking for an old guy who doesn't work or have a place to live...maybe she doesnt exist at all..but I don't believe that I know there's at least one future crazy cat-lady out there that likes to date unemployed older men... hopefully I'll find another.

But I have faith...I have such powerful faith... If I catch you young enough you'll actually believe this drivel and let me sponge off of you.

I am quite sincere in this advert, I'm hungry I am a real person, living in the real world and waiting for the ONE girl that will match and balance all I need and all I offer. I'm cold, and tired of sleeping on the sidewalk.

I am highly creative, passionate, stubborn, driven, successful in my world and devilishly good looking... I refuse to follow directions and am constantly fighting authority which is why I am unemployed and have a horrible work history. I have the biggest WarHammer (tm) collection ever seen. My mother tells me I'm attractive. I would not even place this ad, if I didn't know that all I have detailed here, I reflect and balance in all I have to give.. I'm hungry.

Take a chance - reach out and see where we may go... Have sex with me

I am here ...I know you are out there somewhere... I see you. I'm sitting across the street from your house.

Take some time to tell me about yourself.. Tell me how different than all the others you are and how all your friends are just jealous of how great you are. I would like to see your pictures I need new spanking material and really get a feel literally... for the girl who has never done this kind of thing before I bet you'll tell me you're a virgin too..fall in LOVE, that is...! If I can convince you to have sex with me for a few days you will think you're in love with me because of all the oxytocin pumping through your system and then you will let me live with you.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Cat Lady Tries Matchmaking

Good afternoon my handful of readers.

First off, thanks to whoever "clicked" on one of the ads recently. I'm now up to $0.83 in "earnings" for my blog. HA! Someday I will have made a dollar off my bitterness, and I cannot WAIT for that. It will be validation for my sparkling wit and charming personality.

Or something...

But whatever. It was recently brought to my attention that I sound "bitter" or "unhappy" about dating, and that's just not true. Romance is beautiful and wonderful in every way. As long as it doesn't involve me or occur near me. That makes me feel a little nauseated. Not that I'm allergic, I'm just really bad at that whole love thing. It's never been my forte. I'm much better at just hanging out and then curling up in my uncomfortable, rock-like bed with my two loud, annoying, cats. I'm thinking of getting a third (cat that is). I think that would really complete my life. Maybe this time I could get one of those little runt ones. Then Chrissy would finally have someone to beat up on so she isn't constantly abused by Mischka.

Anyway, back to my "bitterness". I'm not bitter. I think everyone should have someone. And, to prove this, I am going to share my first matchmaking post. As long as I've been reading personal ads (and believe me, it's been a LONG time), I've constantly seen men and women looking for each other. Often on the same day. And I wonder, how have they not found each other? They're both looking for exactly the same thing. Like a lactating mother looking for a breast-feeding man. Totally have seen ads for both. And then today, I saw these...

#1) I'm Pregnant and weigh 220lb, just checking what's
Out there for my self.. :)

#2) Neglected? Lonely? Hormones driving you Krazy?

I've always been attracted to pregnant woman; everything about them is so beautiful, sensual and "ultra sensual". Thinking what it might feel like to be adored? Massaged? Miss that "hot release"?
Wm professional, fit, clean, respectful, blu/blnd, entertaining, preggo experience.
If this is of any interest to you, put "Nice thought" in the subject line along with your pregnant pic so I don't accidently delete it.

How could these two not have found each other??? They're perfect. Both of them have awesome grammar/spelling ("Krazy", "my self", "accidently", etc), they both have provided extensive information about themselves ("pregnant", "blu/blnd", "preggo experience")... it's kismet!

Hopefully these two will find each other after this. I would say more, but I feel the need to go throw up after imagining what the hell these two could get up to together. Ick.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Hasn't Everyone Tried Breast Milk?

Sometimes I lose hope that I will find anything interesting on the internet. And then I find the rare gems that float around on the forums.

Hello Ladies..... Here is the deal. I don't know why, but for one reason or another I have never tried breast milk..... and now here I am 35.... In a relationship that has no chance of offering this to me, and I find myself developing this strange fascination to nurse from a beautiful woman's breast. I'm a good looking Male.... Hard working and very well employed. I'm looking for someone that wouldn't mind sharing this wonderful experience. Please tell me someone is out there..

Huh... Well. That is a conundrum isn't it? I'm not even sure I know how to respond to this. I mean, it's not going to stop me from trying... but... yeah... Wow

Dear Strictly Formula Fed,

I was stunned to read your heartfelt advertisement. I can't believe you've never tried breast milk! I do have a hard time being shocked that you're surprised that you haven't tried breast milk by the age of 35. It doesn't seem like something a person would be surprised about. I am, of course, assuming that you're speaking of trying breast milk at a time that you could actually remember what it tastes like. Although, I could be wrong (occasionally my Cat Lady Senses are slightly off the mark) and you have actually never tried breast milk, even as an infant, perhaps due to some sort of biological problem... but I don't think that's what you were implying.

As I am not lactating (at the moment), I have to come out and tell you that I cannot help you on your quest to suckle some obliging woman's breast, BUT... I work in a professional field with lactating breasts all around me and I feel that I can safely guess what a breast-feeding woman would feel when approached with this query.

She would be THRILLED!

I mean, why wouldn't she be? Here she is, suffering from extreme sleep deprivation from a screaming infant that refuses to sleep more than 1-2 hours in a row without waking up and demanding the opportunity to latch onto her engorged breasts, and here's another hungry mouth just begging for her attention. Why wouldn't she want to spend her two seconds of alone time with some grown, 35 year old man slurping away at her bosom. Most of the nursing women I know are just excited to be able to go to the bathroom, or take a shower, or feed themselves with those found moments when not being milked like a dairy cow, being spit up on, or cleaning shit off bottoms. In fact, I can think of nothing more pleasing than a 5 o'clock shadow scraping away at her nipples (which are most likely already chapped and bruised from providing sustenance for her infant) except for perhaps to have TWO grown men nursing at the same time! The whole idea makes me want to go out and have a baby just so I can experience this joy.

I am sorry that your relationship has no chance of offering you this joy. Is your current partner okay with an "open-nursing" relationship? I would check before I started examining any teats. Women can get a little testy when they find their partners' mouths on other women's breasts. Perhaps you could find a breast milk donor and then your partner could bottle feed you in the comfort of your own home. OR... you could get one of those fake boobs that you can feed a baby with. Then you would get the taste, have something close to the experience of breastfeeding, and it would all be achieved without endangering your relationship. I like to think about those things, I am all about happily ever after stories. Really.

I hope that some of these ideas help you overcome this obstacle in your path to life-fulfillment. I tried looking in Cosmo (tm) for the answer to the situation you've found yourself in, but alas, they only had advice on how to keep men happy in bed (spin) and the best way to fluff your hair before you go out on the town. Maybe I'll check Glamor (tm).

All the best,

Future Crazy Cat Lady

P.S. Don't forget it's important to be burped after feedings!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Yay For Online Dating Advice

I'm at work again (I know... go figure). My cats are at home sleeping in sun spots and eating, I am here and not sleeping. I've definitely gotten eating out of the way though.

Anyway, enough about my eating (it was awesome) and back to my exciting life of playing on Facebook, texting my friends, and fantasizing about hugging all the cats (yes, I just said that, and that bitch can still lick my toes). Today, while playing on the internet, and pretending to actually be doing something useful, I decided to check out Cosmo-like internet love and dating sections. Those of you that hang with me (or are on my Facebook) know that I've finally taken up dating. I'm starting out slow though, he lives almost 3,000 miles from me.

 Today I learned five ways to make a guy feel special. I am a little confused, but I don't have a huge amount of dating experience and I am willing to follow the experts' advice. I want to make sure the future father of my kittens will be happy and content in our relationship.

#1: Guys feed on physical attention.

Hmm... now this goes a little against what I've always heard. But if you insist, I will spend the rest of my life pressing myself on my guy at all times. I think public events, and family affairs will be the best part for this. What better way to make sure he knows how much I love him than when I grind on his leg at the office Christmas party?

#2: Spend alone time with your guy often

So, not only do I have to constantly be touching him, but I need to be demanding alone time all the time too? I never knew! Now I understand what I've been doing wrong all this time. Instead of allowing my guy free time to hang with his boys I will take up clinging to him on the couch at all times. This will DEFINITELY show him how much I care.

#3: Tell your guy you can't live a single day without his help

Are you fucking kidding me??? Now I have to 1) dry hump him everywhere, 2) force him to give up any speck of his own life, and 3) tell him that changing a light bulb is too much for me to handle??? (I'm beginning to wonder if I should just let my guy think I hate him)

#4: Flirt with your guy

Okay. What kind of flirting are we talking? Is this the coy, hard-to-get teasing? Or maybe the elementary school kick-him-in-the-shins and laugh when he yelps in pain flirting??? There are so many options!

#5: Call him when you're away

Okay... so when he finally gets a chance to not have me sitting on his lap and claiming all of his attention I am supposed to call him constantly so he knows I care. Got it.

Have no fear my love, I will show you how much I care! Dating experts out there say this is how, I hope you're ready! You can say good-bye to hanging out with the guys for beers, watching tv in your "man cave", getting a chance to read that book you've been looking forward to, or really... just having a SINGLE SECOND alone! I will be there (either physically or on the phone) to show you how much I care! Because I love you.

Ain't love grand?

Friday, October 7, 2011

Hmm... haven't been on here for a while

Hey there folks!

I have to admit, I haven't felt much like digging around on the interwebs for the last couple months. In fact, today is the first day I actually accessed FB through my computer vs my phone. Wow, can't say I'm the biggest fan of the new layout, but I'm guessing it'll grow on me eventually. Not that cat ladies need social networks. We are above that. Does it feed cats? No? Well, then fuck that shit. I was up at 6am this morning because my two deadbeat felines felt the need to eat. (The nerve of some critters) And I had to go buy them cat food. WTF? Spoiled little shits. I don't know what I'm going to do with them. They cost too much money. I'm thinking of having them stuffed, then I can just prop them up as paperweights and door stops and continue on my happy way. I would probably miss them though, there's something comforting about being purred at.

Due to the extreme expense of these two piggy little creatures, I'm starting to look for ways to supplement my income. I then found this fantastic advertisement in today's Talent Section.

Lookingfor attractive females to kick me in the ba*ls! Yes I'm serious! If you are interested send me a pix of u and a foot pic and a cell number u can be reached at pay is good

Huh. That doesn't sound too bad. I mean, he's offering $300/session.

Dear Sir,

I recently saw your ad looking for a Personal Ball Kicker and would like to offer my resume for consideration in your search. I am sure that my resume will show my experience and qualifications of being the best ball kicker you could imagine.While I don't have much experience in the realm of ball-kicking, I am a fast learner and would be happy to work overtime to perfect my technique. I will kick the shit out of your junk as much as you want.

I am sure you have had numerous women apply for this coveted position, so I want to make sure you have an idea of how perfect I am for your ball-kicking coordinator. Not only am I willing and able, but I have a work history of abusing genitalia. (Yes, I have assisted in many a circumcision). Also, I have to admit, the idea of being able to repeatedly kick someone with such awesome grammar and typing skills in the balls is positively scintillating to me. In order to prove to you my potential in scrotal punting, I have prepared a list of several qualifications, or Ball-Kicking Points, that demonstrate I possess the well-rounded background that will enable me to be the personal ball-kicker you both want and deserve.

BKP #1. I have an extreme amount of pent-up rage towards the carriers of the XY chromosome. I feel that I could direct that anger into making the abuse of your balls as pleasurable and rewarding as possible for you.

BKP #2. I played a lot of kick ball in elementary school. I was quite good at it, especially if I got a running start. Would that be acceptable for you? I know it's been many, many years since I played (I really did receive a letter telling me a boy couldn't believe how old I was once) but I feel that the experience I gained through that sport has stayed with me.

BKP #3. I have accidentally kicked numerous male friends of mine in the nuts throughout my life. When I think about the pain and agony I caused them on accident, just imagine what I could do if I was trying to kick you in the balls.

BKP #4. I have had years of experience in step-aerobics which gives me a vast background of different types of kicks and leg-swings. I think that this would bring something exciting and versatile to the table.


BKP #5. I collect shoes like my sweaters collect cat hair. My collection has gotten so large it has its own bookshelf to house these shoes. If you desired, you would never have to be kicked in the balls by the same pair of shoes again. Just think of the diversity of imprints on your scrotum.

I hope this list of Ball-Kicking Points has illustrated my desire to be your personal ball-kicking assistant. I have included a list of references (aka my friends I accidentally kicked in the nuts throughout the years) as well as my contact information should you desire to speak to me regarding setting up an interview or obtaining more information on my ball-kicking experience.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Future Crazy Cat Lady

P.S. What are your feelings on cleats??