Wednesday, June 29, 2011

More people should pay attention to me!!!

I want attention!

My cat's have been ignoring me.

Hopefully this RX3R3JVXSCQR will help.

Read my blog! I'm funny!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Non-Pros Only!

Hi Girlsls:


Is there anyone on here who would like to receive the easiest $100 they could ever make?


All I ask is that you watch this good-looking, fit, nice and respectful SWM masturbate. That's really all you have to do. I mean it.


If you have any interest in this, just let me know. I will provide you with much more information.


I promise a fun time and a good show.


Your age and your looks don't matter to me. But.....this is for non-pro's only!!! I want to do this with regular women.


Thank you!

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Yes, I really found that letter on the internet (don't pretend you're surprised, that's tame compared to a lot of the stuff I share with you). I found that jewel a few months ago actually. I was just looking through all of my unfinished posts and I saw where I'd tucked this tasty morsel away for a rainy day. Oh look, it's raining...

Dear Master Fun,

I am so sorry it's taken me so long to respond to your ad! I have just been so busy that I bookmarked your letter quite some time ago and it completely slipped my mind. I just didn't have a chance to give you the quality response you deserve. My apologies.

I am definitely interested in earning $100.00. I have been traveling a lot and it has really been irritating the cats of the house. They hate it when I'm gone, you know. Generally what I do when they get in this kind of snit is bribe them with gushy food, but I've been spending all my money on airfare so I've been in need of an extra source of income before my cats destroy everything I own.

I am incredibly interested in this job opportunity, but I had a few questions of my own before we start planning our future rendezvous:

1) Your ad stated that all you want is for me to watch. What I need to know is how closely do I have to watch? Can I sit across the room with popcorn? Or do you want me nestled on a cushion by your knee observing closely? Will there be a quiz? What about eye protection? Do you have workman's comp set in place or is this an "under the table" position, so to speak. Am I going to be asked how long it took for you to finish? Because if that's the case, I'll bring my stopwatch.

2) Is there any potential for extra-earning potential? Like if I throw a moan in there once or twice or tell you how hot it is to watch you touch yourself do you add an extra $20.00?

3) I know you are looking for a non-pro, but I was hoping you could make an exception just this once. You see, I am a card-carrying member of the SF Bay Area Masturbation Watching Association (we're often confused with the bird-watching groups that are around since we also carry little field books and binoculars). But, I really could use the extra source of income, so hopefully you might consider accepting a professional masturbation watcher to fill this position.

Anyway, I have to go now. My shift is over at the office and we're having an SFBAMWA meeting over by the Mission St BART station. The bums always provide us with amazing material.

Warmest regards,

Phoebe

P.S. Do you want me to rate your performance? Or is this more of a credit/no-credit sort of thing?

Boobs! I Love Boobs!

Greetings Gentle Readers, (Yeah, name that newspaper column)

It's another glorious summer day in SFO. The rain is pouring down, the bums are huddling under cardboard boxes, and taxi drivers are spewing profanities at each other while splashing brown puddles on innocent pedestrians waiting to cross the street. Ah, city life. 

I've been traveling quite a bit lately and I haven't been able to update my internet dating conquests for quite some time. I humbly offer my apologies to all ten of my readers for the neglect that I've shown. I have a bad habit of forgetting that I hate people, so I go out and attempt to have a life until I realize that I absolutely abhor having to interact with people around me and I would prefer to sit on the couch with my cats watching television and consuming pints of ice cream like the freezer is broken. Occasionally, I'll mix it up a bit and add in a yoga DVD or something. Not that I'm doing yoga, I'm just looking at the chick in spandex turning herself into a pretzel. Who exactly do you think you're talking to?

Anyway, today, while slaving away in the Vagina Labor Camp, I took a brief respite during lunch and peeked at a couple of the dating sites that I like to nose around on. I was thrilled to find this gem of an ad.

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What's with all the skinny, flat-chested, padded bra wearing women these days? I miss the women who proudly carry D's, DD's and the DDD's. I think the F's and bigger just up and disappeared? Living on the coast really narrows the selection quite a bit but can't a guy catch a break? This isn't so much an ad as it is a beacon, I truly appreciate a well endowed woman who knows that having big boobs is probably the most feminine, powerful and wonderful thing to have. So, if you are truly "busty" and don't have lie about or add 2 cup sizes to your actual bra size just to appear bigger, then I want to be a friend! I prefer non-smokers. I'm 41, white, 5'11", 185lbs, non smoker, no drugs. Pics would be appreciated if you reply, please put a description of you as well.

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Dear Breast Enthusiast,

I was so glad to have found your... beacon today while reading through my afternoon funnies... er... personals. You have got to be one of the most understanding men I've ever encountered. I can't tell you how long I've shamefully hidden my enormous breasts from the world through the use of sports bras, Saran Wrap, and a bit of twine. Not to mention the occasional use of some well-placed duct tape when absolutely necessary. At least once a week I will go somewhere in a low-cut blouse, displaying at least four inches of cleavage and I am completely ignored by the men of the establishment in favor of some stick-shaped bimbo whose chest might as well be her back! Damn those skinny, flat-chested women out there making me feel unfeminine and weak! I am sure that they are the reason that all the women with F's and bigger are out hiding in a cave in the mountains. I've seen them out there, weeping over their misfortune and teeming with jealousy of not having the privilege of resembling a 2x4. In fact, I have found myself pretending to have a padded bra on under my knit sweater instead of admitting that it is my own ample bosom. I will tape my breasts down and then wear a padded bra over the tape just to throw those shallow men off the trail. The look of horror when my first boyfriend opened my shirt to reveal my DD's instead of a far superior AA has haunted me for years now. I wish there were more men like you.

I am in awe of your sincere, and genuine proposal of friendship for these poor, unfortunate, "busty" women who are probably out there being ignored by all the men chasing the Skippers instead of the Barbies. I know that none of us are ever offered companionship because of these unsightly mounds of flesh hanging off of our torsos and you are truly unique and considerate compared to the other men of my aquaintance. I will be sure to pass along your address to all of my friends with the disability of ginormous breasts.

I am anxiously looking forward to speaking with you further on this subject as I have been judged for my large, full breasts for far too long and I am tired of it! I refuse to go the way of the other women with my disfigurement and get a reduction because of "back pain". Plastic surgery is not the answer! We shouldn't have to make up some bogus reason to change our bodies just so men will find us appealing. Back pain my foot! Next, women are going to complain that they're getting stooped over due to the weight of their breasts or that their bra straps are leaving permanent grooves in their shoulders because of the strong gravitational pull on their oversized bazoombas. I am going to make a stand!

In regards to your wanting to correspond with me, I will definitely include a picture. But, would you like a pic of all of me, or would you prefer that I just send a picture of my breasts? If you're only wanting a picture of my gigantic boobs I will be sure to wear one of my fancier braziers. I get them in three packs from JC Penny's as they're the only place that carries my size. I have the choice between white and taupe. Sometimes the white ones have little flowers embroidered on them though. I always feel so sexy in those bras.

Anyway, I have to go now, I have a date tonight and I need to get home so I can have my roommate wrap my upper torso with several ACE bandages before she goes out. I really want to wear my new turtleneck sweater and I don't want there to be any evidence of bumps showing.

Looking forward to hearing back from you,

Phoebe

P.S. Please include a picture of your penis with a ruler for reference. I know most women prefer small, thin penises, but I have a deep appreciation for the larger versions of the male phallus. I don't know where all the guys with huge members are, it's like all the 8"+ guys just up and disappeared.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Are You Effing Kidding Me????

So, I think most of you have seen the recent YouTube (tm) video about the weeping cat lover looking for romance. I know I've seen it, a LOT, as I have been sent this link numerous times by several of my dear friends who know of my affinity for my feline companions.

Anyway, yesterday one of my many, many, MANY admirers (I have mentioned how irresistible I am to the opposite sex, haven't I? Not that any of you didn't realize that by gazing at my glamorous photo, I'm sure) sent me the link and wrote how he'd laughed so hard he almost fell off of his chair. So, of course, I had to watch it. I love a good laugh at a personal ad, as you all know. Every time I was sent the link I happened to be at a computer that did not have sound so it was getting immensely frustrating by the end of the second day.

Yesterday, after I slaved over the phones (and Facebook) at the dealership, I finally had time to sit down in front of my (ancient) laptop and view the masterpiece I'd been hearing about. I changed into my comfy pajama pants, aka nightly uniform after work, got myself my favorite tasty beverage, and snuggled up with my two best friends for what was sure to be the most amusing YouTube (tm) video I'd ever seen. Or, at least that's what everyone else said I would be watching. What I actually ended up watching was 2 min 32 seconds of the most pathetic drivel I've ever been subjected to. Seriously people? You think that teenager fanning her face with the most dramatic (and see-through) fake crying act I've ever seen was funny? It was downright insulting!

I found that ad insulting in two ways:

1) That this chick actually thought she'd created a personal ad that was realistic. Please, I know personal ads by pathetic creatures who are actually sincere in their pleas for love; that was obviously a desperate attempt by someone who is trying to show she has a sense of humor. Her dialogue might as well have been, "Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me! Look at me! I'm funny! Look at me!" As a master of the "Look at me! I'm funny!" dance, I am saddened by this mediocre performance by someone who should obviously wait a few more years before publicly exposing herself to the internet community. (Or not, I'm sure she's getting a shit-ton of money for that display).

2) That people actually think that cat ladies would actually make a personal ad like that. PLEASE! Have none of you been reading anything I've written in the last few months? She had no cat hair on her shirt, her hair was free of split ends, and she didn't have four kittens sitting behind her. Ridiculous!

Anyway, as I had so many individuals feel the need to share that video with me, I think they deserve to see my response to that unfortunate thing that was put up on YouTube (tm).

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Dear Debbie,

Yesterday I had the unique experience of watching your EHarmony (tm) video expressing your wish for a soul-mate. Wow. That was... special. I am sure you put a lot of thought and effort into creating that... interesting video. I'll give the whole thing a C+ based on effort and creativity, but I thought I might offer a few pointers for the next time you attempt to a) make a personal ad pretending to be a desperate woman looking for love, and b) portray yourself as a cat lady (which you obviously are NOT).

The first thing you did wrong was your wardrobe. Cat ladies do not wear form-fitting tank tops. They wear cardigans and shapeless blouses. Even if they are young enough to wear tight shirts, you will never ever see them in a black shirt. Yes, the shirt might have started out as black, but within four minutes of sitting in her living room the shirt would have been a dark grey, at the darkest, due to the insane amount of cat hair that would have been attached to that shirt like leeches would've been administered to a sick patient in the middle ages.

Next, what was with all that hair flipping? Any self-respecting cat owner knows that when using the computer you never have one free hand, let alone two, available to tuck hair. The minute your cat(s) realize you are trying to do something that does not involve them they will instantly be drawn to your lap like frat boys to heavily intoxicated blonds at a kegger. You would then find yourself with a hand pinned down by a cat and the other hand barely escaping thing demanding head bumps that would be mauling it in an effort to make sure you pay attention to the feline rather than the video camera/TV/computer/sewing project/life-saving surgery you were originally focused on.

That brings me to my third (and probably most obvious) point, where was your CAT? You're sitting in an armchair, speaking in a voice that belongs on a cartoon show with dancing lollipops and some moderately frightening older man talking to children about dental hygiene, and you have no cat. Seriously, Debbie? You're weeping over your love of cats and how you want them all to live with you so you can put them in bow-ties and baskets and on rainbows (what the fuck? RAINBOWS????) and you don't have a single cat around you. With as much as you were professing to love cats you would be a Stage 5 Cat Lady. You wouldn't have been able to walk by a cat/kitten needing a place to live without picking it up and taking it with you. At least as many as would fit in your little apartment. That would involve you having at least 2 adult cats and close to 4 kittens in your home. (Who knows how many strays you would be feeding off your back porch). There would be litter, cat toys, and lint brushes on every open surface in your house, including the arms of your chair, as well as your fair share of cat puke stains on the back of said chair. AND, as we all know, cat ladies introduce their cats to any potential date before anything else happens, even a hand-shake. No cat lady would even consider a dating ad that didn't have at least three images of her cats. Even if you were trying to keep the cats out of the video to protect their privacy, we could hear your voice. If you had actually filmed that video in earnest we wouldn't have been able to hear you over the sounds of pissed off cats that were being ignored so you could focus on that ridiculous contraption that was making noise and taking your attention away from them ignoring you.

You obviously have no idea what cat ladies are like (effing rainbow cats) and it showed, a lot, in that horrific video I was subjected to. And I, for one, am disgusted and insulted that you had the nerve to release that video and claim to be one of us. I didn't see a single redeeming quality in that entire video until you finally turned it off. You couldn't even have the decency to use eye drops to make it look like you were actually crying. No self-respecting female, cat lady or not, can't produce a few alligator tears when needed. You should be ashamed of yourself. You should be forced to wear nothing but cat-lady paraphernalia for the next six months in punishment. And I mean down to the earrings that match the socks that match the hideous, quilted handbag with the images of misshapen cartoon cats in odd colors. You aren't even fit to clean my cat's litter box because you probably wouldn't be able to figure out which end of the scoop to use. Go back to what you're good at, like applying make-up and talking to boys, and leave us alone!

Much obliged,

Phoebe

PS... Please brush your hair. Cat ladies might use the same brush they use on their cats, but we all manage to use a brush before going on video.