Sunday, May 29, 2011

Ooh... a colonic! Awesome!

Good Morning to all five of my readers! Well, I suppose it's afternoon, but whatever. The rest of you didn't have to work today so you're probably sitting around in your pajamas while I toil away over the phones and Facebook at the car dealership.

I haven't really nosed around the dating sites lately. Lame men have been boring me more than usual lately, so reading pathetic dating ads didn't really seem too interesting. But today my phone is dead (stupid Russian that thinks that phone chargers are a delicacy) so I have no outlet of amusement while counting down the minutes to getting out of here and going and lounging on the couch with three of my very favorite people.

I wasn't expecting much, posts recently have been so mundane. But then I saw this, and I felt the need to share.

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The enema nozzle remained deep inside her snug rosebud *censored for the faint of heart but it is generally an exit*. The dangling white hose connected her to the now empty red bag that hung overhead by a metal hook. *Does it have to be metal? I only have a plastic hook to hang my enema bags from* Her belly was tight and swollen, *I think you mean her rectum. If you shot that much water up to her stomach you'd probably be causing some major damage* she couldn't believe how wonderful it felt. (I am really fighting the compulsion to correct your punctuation right now) "he was right!" She thought. . .This really is an erotic awakening; and now, the thought of having an orgasm while holding warm water inside herself, made her heart race. *I wonder if she can concentrate on anything other than trying to keep the water from coming shooting out of her "rosebud" let alone even consider having an orgasm*

((( If you would like to read the rest of my story, drop me an email and I'll send it to you))) *I admit, I almost want to e-mail you to see what else you actually want to add on to this erotic masterpiece*

They remained in that position grinning for quite a while. both knowing that the fun had only just begun. *What position is that? Her ass full of water with him watching and grinning like an idiot?*

Healthy *I can only assume you have the cleanest asshole in the USA*, handsome *has anyone other than your mother told you this?*, happy *can anyone be happy without frequent anal irrigation?*, successful *do you sell enema kits?* and educated *ooh, are you a proctologist?*, 39 y/o swm d/d free (you will be very pleased with my looks and company*are you sure about that?*) seeks beautiful adventurous woman interested in exploring this taboo, please write and let me know. *I don't know about you, but the idea of participating in a medical procedure used to produce bowel movements as a sex game is about the most erotic thing I can think of*

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Dear Mr. Fleet,

I was so excited to see your letter I could barely hold myself back from my computer long enough to log in to my e-mail account. I am so excited to find someone out there that is so into such a sanitary sexual activity. Can you imagine anything more hygienic than having water leaking from your ass all over your sheets? I certainly can't. I do see it causing problems, when all is said and done, with who has to sleep in the wet spot. Have you encountered that conflict before? Oh well, compromise is a part of every relationship.

I really enjoyed your vivid descriptions of how the woman in your scenario felt. I was amazed that a man could have such an astute connection with how much a woman longs for the feeling of being completely bloated while fighting the urge to release her bowels during an orgasm. What could be sexier than that? Unless maybe you fed her a high fiber diet and then locked her in a room with no toilet for 36 hours. HAWT! I don't know about you, but I am excited. I might have to pick up a bran muffin, a cup of coffee, and then go drive over the Bay Bridge at 5pm on a weekday just so I can experience the amazing sensation while I wait for you to respond to my e-mail.

I was curious about your comment of the fun just beginning. What sort of fun happens after you pump your lady friend full of warm tap water from a bag that resembles a hot water bottle from the 40's? Wait, I think I know. I saw an interesting video a few weeks ago involving a woman with a jug, a funnel, and a group of men surrounding her cheering for the shower. I could be wrong though... maybe the promised adventure after the enema will continue down the medical route that often accompanies enemas. You could provide me with a bed-pan and a sponge bath, and I could pretend to have Alzheimer's and an impacted colon. It would be so much fun!!! Instead of playing "Doctor" we'd be playing "CNA in Rest Home"!!! And I would be the retiree!! I don't know about you, but my intestines are quivering in anticipation as we speak. I might have to take some Metamucil tonight.

Anyway, my darling irrigation specialist, I am going to have to go now. I hate getting this excited while I'm at work, it's so humiliating for people to catch me googling Dulculax and Colace while I'm at my desk. It would be so embarrassing for my coworkers to learn about my chronic constipation in that way.

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Phoebe

P.S. Please bring fiber pills

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Cat Lady Looking For New Man

Recently the subject of my dating has been brought up on numerous occasions between me and my friends. The human friends, mind you, not the cats. The cats frown on the idea of my acquiring a significant other most thoroughly, as that would involve them being cramped for space on the bed.

Personally, I'm not really sure what I would do with a full-time boyfriend/husband/life-partner. I don't think I could deal with another weekend relationship, that's for sure. It's been so long since I've had any relationship it's somewhat mind-boggling to me. What does one do with a full-time significant other? I don't think most men are like the ones in the movies. Do men really sit around desperately wishing I would marry them while pretending they don't care if I exist to my face? Or perhaps counting down the seconds until they can sit at my feet waxing poetic about my amazing eyes and brilliant personality?

Something tells me that's not what dating in the real world is like. From what I've seen on the Internet (which we all know is the most relevant source of facts) I would be more likely to find someone to shave my junk, live on my couch for free, allow me to wedgie him, have me slam his head in a toilet seat (haven't shared that gem with you yet), and many other things, but nothing that really lights a fire under me to get out there and "find me a man." I could just pay someone to wax my junk and make sure everyone stays the Hell off my couch so there's more room for me and my future cats.

I tried to remind my dear friends that a few months ago I did meet someone I found completely irresistible. But, as the practical cat lady that I am, I was sure to do everything in my power to make sure he was someone who in all likelihood had hardly any interest in me and lives far away. That, of course, irritated the wonderful creatures that I call my friends who have since accused me of being "bitter" and "cynical" in the dating world. Me?! Cynical?!?! I'm flabbergasted by the very thought.

I am completely aware I have little to no skill in the dating realm, but I have seen a lot of success with Internet dating with friends and even family. Many marriages and happy relationships have come out of many of those sites, so I thought in an effort to prove that I am open to new experiences and even.... *gulp*... love... I would put together a nice dating ad to see if I could find a deep and meaningful relationship based on nothing but the deepest trust and respect between two people. It took me a while to put it together, the first couple drafts were seeming so... shallow. But after a few hours I think I've finally managed to create something that is sure to attract the perfect man for my happily ever after, and in comparison to most of the ads I've seen on dating forums, it's not really asking for that much out of a man.



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SWCOF seeks SWM for Marriage


Single, white, cat-owning female looking for a comfortable marriage. Must be willing to support me (and my two cats) in the lifestyle I wish to become accustomed to. This lifestyle will include (although not be limited to) my not working at all, but instead being a spoiled, pampered, stay-at-home trophy wife. I will be happy to volunteer at numerous events to spend your, I mean our, money for good causes and the tax write-offs that will ensue from such thoughtless and selfless acts. I will require a convertible car to drive around in during the summer months, and an urban assault vehicle to drive around in at all other times. I will expect an allowance for my frequent shopping expeditions and Amazon.com raids as well as my own room in the house for my sewing projects and costume collection. I will also need a walk-in closet the size of most people's master bedrooms for the extensive collection of shoes and clothes that you will be buying me on a regular basis. My cats will need their own room equipped with satin pillows and a plethora of electrical cords for my little Russian to chew to his heart's content.

My future husband should enjoy shopping with me and watching me try on ten million different outfits only to get disgusted and not buy any of them while crying that I am fat. Preference will be shown to applicants 6'2" or taller so they can stand next to me and not be dwarfed while I wear my high heels. Applicants should also find pleasure in surprising me with ancient linen fabric and shiny jewelry. He should enjoy going on jogging ventures (provided he's not confined to a wheelchair), cruises, and dinners that cost enough that the profits would feed small countries in Africa for a month. I will require medical and dental insurance as well as a comfortable inheritance in the very likely occurrence that he dies first. Also, I would like a tall, tanned, and muscular pool boy who will slather me with sunblock as I sun myself by our Olympic-sized pool during the sunny months. He can be gay, er Takei if you prefer, I just want the eye-candy. I'm fairly certain the pre-nup I would expect to occur in the event of our wedding would require that I remain faithful, and I'm not about to give up my comfy lifestyle for twenty-five minutes of intense disappointment followed by sneaking off to the shower to handle matters by myself.

You might be wondering what I will bring to the table in return for my preferred lifestyle, and you would be right to do so. I have a feeling that in order to keep me in my preferred way of life you will be significantly older, and richer, than I am. You probably have at least one, possible three, ex-wives, and a handful of children from various relationships. This appeals to me as I have next to no desire to push a small child out of a part of my body that should never be forced to deliver a bowling ball. Although, if children are what you're looking for out of our marriage I most likely would be happy to oblige as I could then enter them in pageants or sporting camps (depending on the sex of the child) and force them to be the absolute best in every competition they're ever exposed to while berating them about their worthlessness and incompetence in everything they attempt.

I won't lie and say I'm anything other than a nice ego stroke for a successful man. Unless you have an interest in random historical clothing bits and embroidery, that is. I do love the history stuff, and you will often find me curled up with a book somewhere. I am a bit of a geek and have been accused of having an amusing personality, so I might even be fun to be around if that's what you're looking for. But I'm perfectly willing to just walk around next to you and smile and titter at the correct intervals as you introduce me to your business colleagues. I am a young, tall, blond with an athletic body and no children or divorces. I have a deep belief in pre-nups (although don't expect that you're going to be able to get rid of me very easily, so keep that in mind before you respond to this ad).

We won't have to have a maid as I can guarantee the house will be clean due to my deep love of vacuuming and dishes. With my not having a job to keep me away from the house for 8-12 hrs a day I will have plenty of time to lovingly dust the nick-knacks that you've collected on your numerous trips around the world and arrange your sock drawer by color and style. I will sew myself a frilly, diaphanous apron to wear while I attend to all the household needs and anxiously wait for you to come home from work where I will meet you at the door with your slippers and your favorite beverage. Your newspaper will have been folded backwards to eliminate the crease that is caused when stored and be waiting for you next to your armchair. And, since you are primarily investing in my physical appearance as the foundation of our relationship, I will be sure to run at least 15 miles a week. I will also do my Pilate's in very tight spandex in the living room especially when you bring over your other big-shot friends.

You will like me best if you are constantly cold as I generate an inhuman amount of heat and often resist shaving my legs for weeks at a time. If you have pets I don't mind; I am an animal lover. I will have to insist that my cats remain first and foremost in our affections though. They are such spoiled creatures and are prone to temper tantrums when feeling ignored. I would hate to have to clean cat urine off of your expensive suits. If you own dogs that's okay as well. I expect I will require company to go running with me while you are on your numerous business trips to Thailand.

Please respond with a photo or ten of yourself, tax documents from the last 4 years, your accountant's contact information, the list of your past marriages/relationships/illegitimate children and chart notes from your most recent medical check-up.

I look forward to meeting you and starting our life together.

Love,

Phoebe

Cats Ok - prrr
Dogs Ok- woof
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products, or commercial interests