Thursday, April 21, 2011

Ooh... I Got a Letter of My Very Own!!!

Well, hey there group! I know it's been about a month since I've posted anything, but I think I finally found something that inspired me to write. I was so inspired I'm writing it TWICE, as my computer ate my first version! I've been perusing my normal haunts, looking for something to pique my interest, but no one seems to be posting anything ridiculous on any of my normal venues. *le sigh* It's as though they know I'm poking around and they don't want me to find amusement at their expense or something. But then yesterday, as I slaved away over a bowl of specula to bring home the money to feed my cats the wet food they'll pee on my bed if they don't get, I actually had an e-mail come to me! As in, me personally!!! How exciting!

I'm not so sure about this e-mail, I'm wondering if it's one of my friends screwing with me. I wouldn't put it past any of them, really. Honestly, I don't know how it could be a sincere note. This man obviously did not read anything that I wrote before, during, or after that blog post if he thought that this was really something I would enjoy. But, I do hate to not respond to letters, so I feel that he should at least hear back from me.

His letter went like this....

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Hello Ms. Phoebe

I stumbled across your blog, Ramblings of a Future Cat Lady, and was particularly interested - and throughly aroused by - your At Last! The Wedgie Slave I have Always Dreamed Of! post.

I'll spare you the details, but in short, I am like the other fellow who sent you a message about the loving to be wedgied by females, (in my case, wedgied by anyone). In fact, everything you said from the panty-shopping, locker-room hangings, and your guarantee of utter cruelty to a man's nether regions got me rather hot and bothered. 

Regrettably, I can't be your little nerd wedgie victim (or at least in the foreseeable future) as I live up in Canada.

That being said, would you be so kind as to humour me by telling me what you would do to me if I was your wedgie slave? Or perhaps share some stories of the torture you've put the other lucky man through?

Thank you kindly



W. Abramowitz
 
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I'm really not sure what to think about this. Part of me thinks that one of my friends is screwing with me, but the other part of me knows that my page has gotten a lot of action lately by people googling "wedgie slave". Oh my poor, poor readers. You (all 18 of you, yes I got another one) are the ones who have to suffer for this.
 
I'm aware that this individual wants nothing more than for me to humiliate him, and I really shouldn't humor him. But, I just can't resist doing it. It's like asking a 17 yr old boy if he would like to lose his virginity to Meghan Fox. Then again, if the 17 yr old boy is a virgin there might be other things going on there. Hmm...
 
Besides, if we're going to be honest, my roommate/benefactor has informed me that she will kick me out on my tail if I don't write her a new post. I'm honestly afraid she'd sue for custody of at least one of my cats if it came to that. Unfortunately, I broke up with my previous lawyer, which leaves me fiscally unable to defend my rights as a competent parent of two hungry (and whiny) mouths to feed. So, in a nutshell, I just can't allow her to remove me from her comfortable house.
 
In conclusion, here you are my dearest roommate, I have written you your letter.
 
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Dear Walt,
 
Thank you for your kind letter in response to my blog. It is very exciting to me to realize that I've finally reached someone that understands exactly what I'm trying to impress upon my readers: How much I long to sexually satisfy them. I am so glad to know that you became aroused by reading my blog, thank you for sharing that darling little snippet of information with me. The knowledge that some bisexual Canadian man is getting all hot and bothered over my descriptions of abusing a bespectacled nerd in high school is quite overwhelming for me. I might even be inspired to start dating again I'm so excited. Then again, I will have to find time for that around stabbing myself in the eye with a sharp stick and cleaning the litter box with my toothbrush. I have to say, both of those ideas sound almost as exciting as helping you reach satisfaction in your wedgie needs and/or going back out on the dating market.
 
It is unfortunate that you live so far away from me. I am deeply saddened to know that I won't find you lurking outside my electric fence waiting to catch a glimpse of me walking around in my lime green '80s running shorts and brown velour sweatsuit top any time soon. But I suppose I will have to press on. I will look on the bright side instead and remember that you live in Canada. That means that you definitely have health care! That assures me that should your scrotum, or its contents, end up needing repair after "fun time" at least we'll know its repair will be covered. Is orchioplasty on your bucket list, by the way? I know causing a man a perineal tear has been on mine for quite some time. It's the little things in life, you know?
 
As for your request that I tell you exactly what I did to my very special Pantie Boy (and what I would do to you) in lascivious detail, allow me to oblige you. I can guarantee that I treated you both in the same fashion.
 
Step 1) I read the letter and very nearly peed my pants from laughing so hard.
Step 2) I forwarded the letter to several friends to share my amusement with the existance of such a sad and pathetic creature
Step 3) I wrote a letter in response to the sad and pathetic creature's desperate plea for sexual gratification
Step 4) I shared my response letter with all my friends on the internet so they could join me in laughing at such a ridiculous scenario.
Step 5) Rinse and Repeat
 
I dearly hope that this letter has been everything you wished for. Thank you again for your continued reading of my blog, and I hope that you have great luck in finding someone to share your life, and underwear, with.
 
Sincerely,
 
Phoebe
 
P.S. Thanks for using your real e-mail address in your correspondence. I will be sure to sign you up for some fabulous newsletters