Monday, February 14, 2011

A VD Extravaganza

Hi all!

Happy VD! Well, Valentine's Day, I suppose I should say. I wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong impression. VD is a serious matter and is never happy. (Phew, got that public service announcement out of the way).

In honor of this timeless holiday that celebrates the joyous events of small, half-naked children flying around and shooting individuals with sharp objects while men bribe the women of their lives with chocolates and jewelry, I decided I would be fair and post a "woman for man" ad too. I'm all about equal opportunity, you know. That, and this thing cracked me up and I thought I would share for sheer comedic purposes.

As a right and proper Cat Lady, I would have forgotten it was Valentines Day (aka National Singles' Awareness Day) altogether if I hadn't been reminded about it by my valentine. Now, now, don't worry. I guess it should be surprising to have forgotten such a monumental date on the calendar as I have had some amazing Valentine's Days. I remember, one year, when I was given a single rose and a box (the "sharable" size, mind you) of Milk Duds (TM). I was 23 years old, my boyfriend was 34. I know, I know, envy me. The men that I've picked out in the past are amazing in every way! They're also the reason why I sleep in a bed with only two cats to keep me company.

Anyway, enough about me, on to making fun of everyone else!

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It appears that I'm single for this Valentines day and I love lingerie I thought it would be really nice if we go out and you buy me lingerie from Fredrick's or Victoria secret and you get to see me in it, not that their will necessarily be anything more but who knows. Will only meet if you have a pic, i also have a pic. I'm in shape and can send more details if you want. Only 29 and under of age

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Dear Madame Lingerie,

Wow. I was amazed when I read your personals post. I am surprised that such a tasteful, and giving woman could possibly find herself single on this special holiday. I mean, not only are you going to allow some strange man to buy you naughty underwear, but you're going to let him buy you EXPENSIVE naughty underwear. A lot of the ads I see on here from women looking for men to buy them teddies are generally happy with Ross, or Walmart. But you have taste and style. I like that.

Speaking of things I like, I also like that you will actually let the chosen random internet man view you in the naughty underthings he's going to buy for you. That is so generous of you! Not only are you going to let him spend well over $100.00 on a woman he doesn't even know (I might not be the Pantie Queen, but I'm fairly certain nice lingerie isn't cheap), but you will also give him a glimpse of you in his purchase. You're a better woman than I. You see, I personally advertise on dating sites looking for a man that will take me shopping for naughty panties, but I rarely let him come along. I just have him give me his credit card and set me loose on the mall. I sometimes send him pictures of where I'm going from my camera phone so he can feel part of the shopping experience, of course.

I do feel like I need to offer a little bit of unsolicited advice though. Feel free to do with it what you will, I am by no means a dating guru. In fact, I could probably count how many "dates" I've been on without having to think too hard about it. (Or remove my shoes). But, I noticed you specified that you wanted only the 29 years of age and under crowd at the end of your ad. Part of me thinks that this is brilliant as there are very few attractive, interesting, and "date-able" men over 30 that would feel inclined to go buy lingerie for someone that might or might not allow them to play with their purchase. But, I'm afraid you're not going to find many men under 29 that can really afford to be throwing hundred dollar bills at strange women off of dating boards that they might not ever see again (not on this one at least). I mean, really, they could just go to the strip club, drop maybe $60.00 and get to see women in and out of lingerie while enjoying a tasty beverage. Perhaps you would like to consider posting on a nice site like sugardaddy.com (real site). You will be forced to put a picture up up-front of course, most men like to know what they're buying, but you might be able to find something more along the lines of what you're fishing for.

Anyway, my fellow lingerie lover, I wish you luck in your quest. Hopefully you find a nice man to buy you frilly underthings for Valentine's Day 2011. If not, you could always ask the man to buy you panties and then you give them to him after you wear them. I've heard that makes quite the profit on the internet.

Warmest Regards,

Phoebe

PS... Please remember that when trying on lingerie at the store you need to wear your own underwear underneath. That's how germs spread ladies!

Drugs and Sex?!?! I am so there!

Today, while on my quest for finding the elusive "worthwhile" man, I stumbled upon the man that I was looking for all my teen years. Why did it take him so long to discover his "medication?" Oh well, I figure better late than never, so I had to write back...

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I have never had sex..... while baked. I just discovered medicinal marijuana and it is amazing. I am a young conservative professional seeking a relationship entirely founded on pot and sex. I know it will probably not last longer than 6 months to a year, but I think it would be a whole lot of fun and a life long memory. I have to insist on monogamy and we'll both need to get tested for all sexually transmitted diseases to ensure our safety. I would love to meet for coffee and find out if there is a mutual attraction. Age and ethnicity are not a factor, must be reasonably fit and healthy. I look forward to any questions you may have with your response

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My Darling Stoned Professional,

I can't believe it's taken me this long to find you! I remember long, lonely nights where I lay in bed dreaming of a man who wanted to have a relationship based entirely on sex and weed. And here you are. Then again, those fantasies were from when I was around, oh, sixteen years old, but what the hell? I am desperately looking forward to crossing this one off of my bucket list. It's up there next to "orgy with Poison roadies" and "tattoo of boyfriend's name on right butt cheek." Any teenage girl worth her salt knows that a stoned boyfriend is the best you can get. The idea of someone who's idea of exercising is rolling over sounds like an excellent person to have sexual relations with.

I really hope you'll consider me in your search. After all, I fit your requirements perfectly as I am reasonably fit and healthy and I'm hoping to start a monogamous relationship based solely on illicit substances and sex. I just have a few questions (which you were looking forward to), and I hope that they won't cause a problem for you.

Question 1: Will you be providing the pot? Or am I required to bring my own? I notice you indicated that it was "medicinal" marijuana and I do not have a card that will allow me to go into the pot stores, I mean dispensaries, and purchase any. That, and pot is expensive. If our relationship is going to entirely revolve around pot and sex, how do we work out the details like "who provides the drugs". I'm guessing you're not going to be taking me out to eat since it doesn't involve drugs or sex, so I will instead allow you to purchase and dispense all the illegal substances we are going to use in lieu of "wooing" me with fine dining and flowers.

Question 2: Will medicinal marijuana be all we're going to bring into the bedroom? Or am I going to come home one night to find you naked, covered in baby oil and glitter, and rubbing your body along my satin comforter after taking a couple hits of Ecstasy? (Medicinally of course) I warn you, I have no interest in finding out my pot and sex boyfriend pawned all my Tori Amos CDs and kitty toys for smack, so you should tell me now if you're into anything more than Mary Jane.

Question 3: About that STD testing... how exactly are we going to get this done? I don't think there's a code that my insurance would accept for "needs to be sure STD free so sex with stoned lover is safe." Although, there might be. Let me check my ICD-9 book and I'll get back to you. Otherwise, are you going to pay for it? You are a young professional so I'm sure you can afford the out of pocket expenses. I just don't feel comfortable talking to my doctor about it; mainly because my gynecologist is also my boss and this just isn't a subject I'm sure I'd feel professional discussing with her.

Anyway, my blood-shot-eyed lover, I am so excited about this! As a member of the XX chromosome, the idea of a monogamous relationship in any capacity is like catnip to a kitten, and I cannot wait until I can snuggle up between the sheets with you and your bong... er... "water pipe."

Cordially yours,

Phoebe

PS... please bring lighter