Sunday, December 19, 2010

A glimpse into the cat lady's mind when asked on a date

When a person thinks about "dating", how do they know if they're at a point in their lives when they're interested in dating or not? Dating is so involved; call now, don't call then, should I call? Why do I care if I haven't been called? I'm sure if you've read anything on this blog before now, you know my personal stance on the whole situation. But, as I've been chuckling over this recently, I thought I would share exactly what goes through my mind when asked on a date.

Ridiculously cute, charismatic, well-endowed, rich boy (don't judge, this is my dream-world and I can imagine whomever I want asking me out):

"Phoebe, would you like to get a drink with me?" He is, of course, flashing his dimpled, super-hero smile at me and tossing his perfectly conditioned mane of hair while opening the door to his extremely overpriced, pretentious vehicle with leather seats and a name I can't pronounce.

And the process of thinking goes...

o O (Wow, that is so flattering, that might be fun.)

(Ooh, I don't know; I'd have to shave my legs) O o

o O (It could be worth it; you'd get a free drink or two)

(But I'd actually have to leave the house and make conversation that doesn't involve my cats) O o

o O (Come on, what else do you have to do?)

(Well... I do need to clean the cat boxes........) O o

o O (Are you serious?! You would rather scoop cat shit than get free food?)

(Kind of, yeah) O o

o O (That is so lame. You could probably have sex if you wanted to. Can you even remember the last time you did that?)

(I think I'd rather sleep for that time instead of spending 45 minutes wishing I were asleep) O o

o O (So what are you going to do?)

(I'm going to go home, put on PJ pants, and decide between Hagen Daz or Ben & Jerry's) O o

(I think I might also watch Bridget Jonse's Diary or maybe the 6 hour Pride and Prejudice) O o

o O (Can we at least think about plucking the eyebrows, or eyebrow as it is now?)

(Who are you trying to impress?) O o

o O (No one, never mind. Let's just go home and eat a frozen dinner instead and watch the cat chase a bug down the hallway.)

So, in a nutshell, if your first thought when asked out on a date is "I'd have to shave my legs," you might not be interested in going out on a date. And if you'd rather scoop cat litter than have sex? Well, welcome to the Cat Lady Club, I'm Phoebe and I'll be your tour-guide.