Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I keep thinking there's another name for this situation....

I'm beginning to wonder if the internet dating industry has been told that I'm out here, I haven't been able to find anything interesting that I can work with for a while now. *deep sighs* Oh well, I did manage to find this sweet specimen of a man, and I swear I couldn't ask for a better man if he was standing at the Greyhound station offering me a job to help me get set up in my new life.

He never mentioned the name of what he wants specifically... but I swear I've heard of relationships like this before. It's right on the tip of my tongue...

Before some of you judge this, think about it for a minute. Just because this may not fit your idea of a meaningful relationship doesn't mean it doesn't fit someone else's. And just because it is unconventional doesn't mean that this type of relationship based on love and trust can't exist. If it isn't for you, then don't read or respond. But don't be judgmental and delete. Good luck in finding what makes you happy.

Looking for a sexy slutty girl who might be interested in being successful using her open mind and her looks towards sex.
I am not judgmental or possessive when it comes to sex. I think too many people define love with sex. I have dated people who worked in the "industry" before and it was actually pretty great.
And just because you work in the industry doesn't mean you can't have a deep relationship as well.

So my proposal is this, I will help and support what you want to accomplish. You can do anything from being a short term Escort to being a star. We will be discreet and safe.
If we click we can build a strong relationship based on something other than fucking. From my personal experience I know a lot of girls just want to work for a short time
in escorting to make some extra money rather than long term. Well let's build a relationship, you will love how I can make it work. If you want you can reach me to talk about this more.

You don't have to do this alone. Let's give it a try.


Dear Discreet, Safe Man,

I am so glad you put this up today. I have been at my wits end the last week or so. The holiday season is so difficult when it comes to finances and companionship, two things that I am desperately short of these days.

I'm sure you noticed that it was Christmas a few days ago (it was hard to miss with the weeks of shitty holiday music being blasted on every radio station in existence),  and many people have been enjoying the holiday season to excess. I personally do not celebrate anything more than an excuse to not be looking at vagina all day and the chance to spend some time with my family/roommate, but everyone has their own way of celebrating, right? Even though I am not a believer (I have a hard time wrapping my head around the coincidence of Jesus being born in the middle of December at the same time as an established pagan holiday), my cats get very excited about the Christmas season. Well, Chrissy does at least. I'm beginning to suspect Mischka of being Jewish as he repeatedly peed on the Christmas tree to express his opinion on the festive decorating my roommate enjoys so much. I will not judge him though; I believe that everyone is entitled to their own religious beliefs. As long as they don't interfere with how I think the world should be run. Or Monday Night Football.

 Oops, I seem to be getting off subject, I do that so often. I hope that doesn't cause a problem with my ability to properly escort men to their "events." The point of that ramble was to say I can't afford the volume of Fancy Feast my cats go through during the holiday season. I already have two jobs and am struggling enough to make ends meet, and here come these gluttonous fuzzballs that insist on the expensive gushy food at least three times a week or they will be forced to urinate on something I hold dear (like my pillow). I really need another way of earning some cash. Fast. My dry cleaning bill is going through the roof, I'm almost out of lint-rollers, and I could really use a little help scraping up the change to buy more Fresh Step Super Clump. Going through this sort of hardship alone is so scary and I could really use a big, strong man like you to help me get my feet back under me.

Now, I'm sure you've heard this all before. You were very specific when you advised me that you have dated women in "the industry" before. You probably hear, "Please help me make some extra cash so I can buy baby formula," and, "I'd do anything to pay off my store credit card at Forever 21 so the creditors will get off my back," all the time. But this is all so new to me. Who knew there was help out there for struggling girls like me? I certainly had no idea there was an established industry for broke women being exploited for a paltry sum while being forced to give it up for free to her "boyfriend" who's helping her achieve her "goals." But, I am a little naive I hear. Is this industry unionized? If so, I would like at least three weeks of paid leave a year and my own parking space in front of the Super 8. And a Barbie Dream House (tm).

Your ad stated that most girls you've known were more interested in short-term escorting as opposed to the long-term arrangements. I can understand that, mainly because I'm already having to use eye cream at night and I'm not even 26 yet! I can't imagine how drastically my "rates" will go down once I start looking my true age. The good thing is that I can barely pass for 12 at most places and get carded  for scratchers at convenience stores. I think we can use that biological quirk to our advantage for the men that want to date a "barely legal" girl, but I'll need to carry my ID with me so we can go to all those exciting and classy casinos and such. Of course, I'll want a different ID for when I go on my dates; I don't want my real name getting out there to my clientele. Let's go with Starr. Starr Frieferral. I think that has a ring to it.

I'm going to have to leave now, these vaginae (look how smart I am, I use the proper pluralization in my letter-writing) don't swab themselves you know. But, I wanted to be sure to drop you a short note to let you know that I am definitely interested in your proposal. Knowing that you will be there to support me in my rise to escort acclaim is a definite relief to me. By the way, are you willing to have sex with me so you can give me pointers on how I can improve? I'm sure it would be a strictly educational experience, I know sex with me was probably the last thing on your mind when you wrote your ad. It must get really tedious having all your lady friends who are trying to get in the business asking you that, but I really want to make sure I'm making you proud while I'm out there earning my place in the Escort Hall of Fame.

Anyway, I can't wait to hear back from you. Maybe I should send you some pictures of myself in lacy underwear so you can make sure I'm a good fit for our special relationship??

All the best,


P.S. Can I borrow your copy of Hustle and Flow? I seem to have misplaced mine...

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Vampires are Sparkly, and HOT

There I was, about to start working on something else while at my second job, when I saw this loving note. I couldn't let him think I didn't notice his heartfelt message, so I'm taking a moment before I get back to embroidering to be sure he knows that I got his letter.

Public Forum Goddess

You are a goddess of this website. You are all over these pages, buying and selling, meeting people, making lifelong friends. But you never write back to me. I offered to buy your bedroom set. What I got was no response. iPod: no reply. I email you from my real gmail address, and several new ones I make using hotmail, but still no response. If you finally get over yourself, reply to my messages from my real email and you can come live with me. I don't bite. Well, at least not without my vampire fangs.

Dear Edwardo,

Fine, you're right. I am an internet forum goddess. But it's just because on the internet I can cut and paste all sorts of Victoria's Secret model photos together to make my profile picture. I know I've been ignoring you for far too long. It's just, every time you e-mailed me, all I could think of was your beautiful face and how I don't deserve you. You're over 100 years old, you glitter in the sun, you have millions and millions of dollars, and yet, you want me. It's just too much for my feeble mind to understand. I'm so clumsy and plain. Why would you want to do anything with me when you're so beautiful and amazing. And... sparkly.

Yes, I was selling things all over these public classified ads, but it was so I could get enough money together to buy myself a whole wardrobe of black, faux-Victorian clothes covered with lace so I could be with you and not feel awkward. Life is pain and I have to dress in a way that expresses this known truth and doesn't conform to the standardization of modern society. I can't wait for you to see the new coat I bought at Hot Topic, it's very unique and original. My friend Hannah told me where to find it, she and Tiffany both bought one after they saw Amanda and Carrie wearing them.

You were correct when you mentioned that I was buying things on the internet too, but they were all self-help books on how to be a better human for my vampire. I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything that could harm you. Before I bought all those books I would never have known that you wouldn't appreciate the giant, sterling silver, pimp chain I bought you to commemorate our love. Or that you didn't like it when I made you handmade Halloween decorations out of nothing but garlic garlands. These are things I need to know if I'm going to commit myself to you, and your beautiful face, for all of eternity. I would hate it if I accidentally did things that caused you anger, or made you explode in a gigantic, bloody mess. That would be awful, and very difficult to clean up properly.

As for my bedroom set, I didn't write back when you offered to buy that because I didn't feel comfortable with you purchasing my She-Ra bed set after I'd laid awake in it thinking about you night after night. That would just be weird. You know? There are some things that I would prefer be a surprise for our first night together. I guess I could compromise and sell you some of my used underwear though...

I know I should've responded to you earlier. It wasn't that I was stuck up, I was just scared. When I got your e-mail regarding my iPod I panicked. I couldn't sell that to you. It had your name scribbled all over it with hearts and roses. If you saw that you would've known without a doubt how deeply in love I am with you and your beautiful face. That, and the seven hours of Monster Ballads I had saved on there. Nothing screams "I love you" like the acoustic rendition of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." I know this, everyone dedicated it to their girlfriends at school dances. Although, no one ever dedicated it to me, I was always alone in the corner longing for love and knowing that all my classmates were just sheep who didn't understand the deep agony that this life brings. I was too terrified to let you know how I felt. But now I see that all my fears were groundless, you've known all along and you're ready for me to move into your house and be with you for all of eternity. Or until I grow anemic and have to live off of rare steaks and iron pills. Whichever comes first. Probably the anemia now that I think about it. Oh well, we're in love. It's worth it. Then again iron has a bad problem of causing constipation. I hope you have access to a good stool softener.

My childhood best friend doesn't approve of our love. He and his father keep trying to convince me that you're "evil" and "bloodthirsty." But I know you love me for me, not my extremely rare, O+ blood that I hear tastes like heaven rolled around in chocolate sauce to vampires. I don't understand why he is always nagging me about my life, he never listens to me about anything either. I tell him to cut his hair, and at least attempt to shave his sideburns. He's so hairy. And he whines in his sleep. It's so gross! I will never understand him. Jacobo is so different than the other boys. He's only 15 and is already 6'10" and 300 lbs with chest hair! But I hate him and he's nothing to you and your beautiful face. I also like your Porsche. He lives in a shack and drives a beat up motorcycle. Two things I abhor in a man.

Anyway, Beautiful Edwardo, I must go now. I need to prepare myself for your blessed bite of love that will allow me to experience the rest of all time with you. Do you know any vampire relationship counselers by the way? I'm a little concerned that spending several hundred years together could cause a few problems, but I'm willing to work them out. I'm willing to do this for you because I love you, and your beautiful face. I will leave my bedroom window open for you tonight so you can sneak in and and we can cuddle all night while my dad is asleep in the next room. There's something so comforting about snuggling an ice block.

All my love,


P.S. Please bring prunes and Dulcolax

A glimpse into the cat lady's mind when asked on a date

When a person thinks about "dating", how do they know if they're at a point in their lives when they're interested in dating or not? Dating is so involved; call now, don't call then, should I call? Why do I care if I haven't been called? I'm sure if you've read anything on this blog before now, you know my personal stance on the whole situation. But, as I've been chuckling over this recently, I thought I would share exactly what goes through my mind when asked on a date.

Ridiculously cute, charismatic, well-endowed, rich boy (don't judge, this is my dream-world and I can imagine whomever I want asking me out):

"Phoebe, would you like to get a drink with me?" He is, of course, flashing his dimpled, super-hero smile at me and tossing his perfectly conditioned mane of hair while opening the door to his extremely overpriced, pretentious vehicle with leather seats and a name I can't pronounce.

And the process of thinking goes...

o O (Wow, that is so flattering, that might be fun.)

(Ooh, I don't know; I'd have to shave my legs) O o

o O (It could be worth it; you'd get a free drink or two)

(But I'd actually have to leave the house and make conversation that doesn't involve my cats) O o

o O (Come on, what else do you have to do?)

(Well... I do need to clean the cat boxes........) O o

o O (Are you serious?! You would rather scoop cat shit than get free food?)

(Kind of, yeah) O o

o O (That is so lame. You could probably have sex if you wanted to. Can you even remember the last time you did that?)

(I think I'd rather sleep for that time instead of spending 45 minutes wishing I were asleep) O o

o O (So what are you going to do?)

(I'm going to go home, put on PJ pants, and decide between Hagen Daz or Ben & Jerry's) O o

(I think I might also watch Bridget Jonse's Diary or maybe the 6 hour Pride and Prejudice) O o

o O (Can we at least think about plucking the eyebrows, or eyebrow as it is now?)

(Who are you trying to impress?) O o

o O (No one, never mind. Let's just go home and eat a frozen dinner instead and watch the cat chase a bug down the hallway.)

So, in a nutshell, if your first thought when asked out on a date is "I'd have to shave my legs," you might not be interested in going out on a date. And if you'd rather scoop cat litter than have sex? Well, welcome to the Cat Lady Club, I'm Phoebe and I'll be your tour-guide.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I often look for a sperm donor willing to donate in person

Okay, I'm back! Sorry about taking so long to get on here, I have had a huge swarm of electronics failing on me. I've gone through 3 power supplies for the laptop (thanks for chewing on those my little Russian), my phone has started trying to die on me, and I'm missing just about all my phone numbers for people that aren't on my FB friends' list. Needless to say, it has been incredibly difficult for me to play on the internet (as I can't get to it). I've been going through withdrawals from my dating forum ads in the worst possible way. They've been my insomnia cure for the last five or six years at least. So, thanks for bearing with me during the wait, I hope you're not too put out with me.

Now, on to the dating!

PS... Thanks everyone for sending me links to some most excellent ads, feel free to send more; they always crack me up even if I can't figure out how to use them.

And now, here's a man after my own heart.... and womb

Sperm Donor Available Now

Avaliable for all you sexy women...well let me rephrase my statement...their might be one out of the hundred on this forum so for you one real woman I am willing to take you to a fantastic O then I will donate my sperm to your lovely tasty body..............

Dear Generous Donor,

Your recent advertisement really struck a chord with me while I was reading it. As a single woman with no one to keep me company other than two cats, I have been looking for something to fill the deep void I find in my life (and abdomen). I realized several months ago that cleaning up cat vomit and pee is not enough for me to feel fulfilled in life; I have a deep desire to also change diapers and struggle to afford formula while living and working my two jobs in the greater Bay Area in California. I would prefer to do this alone without the added nuisance of child support or a father-figure in my child's life. So this morning, I woke up and logged onto the internet with the sole purpose of finding a man to be the father of my future illegitimate offspring.

My amazement and relief were overwhelming when I saw your ad on the side-bar of my "Sperm Banks" Google Search. It saved me the time of looking through all those tedious bios of potential donors with pictures, IQ scores, and family histories. I don't want to think about all the fees and rules that would be involved if I selected to use the clinically proven way of insemination instead of the tried and true "screw some strange man without a condom." I have noticed in my line of work that the "sex with strangers" route seems to work quite well and is far less expensive. Thank goodness I didn't have to go to one of those fertility sites that desire STD and genetic screening before they will consider a donor. In fact, I am willing to bet they'd make me get tested too. I hate that sort of thing; the rollercoaster of life should not be hampered by silly things like "health" and "safety". Besides, I want the conception of my baby to be as realistic as possible. Do you think you can you bring a bottle of Boone's Farm and a condom with a hole in it? I'll put on my "Best of Whitesnake" cassette and a hand-me-down teddy and it'll be just like the stories I always hear about while sitting in the community health clinic's waiting room. (I go there quite often to get refills of my psychotropic medications and penicillin).

Your ad was so much different than many of the other ads I saw. You specifically mentioned that you would take me to a "fantastic O" before you donate your sperm to my, how did you phrase that? Oh yes, my "lovely tasty body." That is incredibly generous of you. If I were to go to a normal fertility facility all I would be treated to would be a soothing poster of a waterfall on the ceiling and a turkey baster of some unknown man's sperm. However, if I were to take you up on your gracious offer, I would have a guaranteed fantastic O prior to the deposit of the genetic material destined to create my little symbiote. That declaration makes the deal even more exciting for me. I mean, why would I want to go to some well-lit, sterile, professional clinic where they will do everything they can to make the situation as comfortable as possible for me when I could go writhe around on a mattress of questionable origin (and cleanliness for that matter) with some stranger off a dating forum? It's okay if we go to your place, right? It's always so embarrassing to have men over to my house; I have to sweep the cat litter off the sheets before we lay down and it's next to impossible to sneak out of bed to get away from whomever I slept with if it's in my house.

In reference to that promised "O": I hope you have a better grasp on where a clitoris is than you have on where the comma button is on a keyboard. Otherwise, I don't know if you'll be able to promise me even a fantastic "Ummm....." let alone an "O". Although, as I need your deposit in order to fulfill my dream of being a single mother with multiple jobs, no husband, and the uncertainty of making rent next month, I am willing to make sure I sound like I'm enjoying the sacrifice you're making for me no matter what. I'm not really sure what it sounds like (I have never faked a "fantastic O" before), but all the movies seem to make it sound like heavy breathing and an occasional moan or two. I think the closest I could get would be to practice lamaze breathing while you're depositing your donation. I'm sure it sounds similar. I mean, they both have heavy breathing and groaning, and, since I work in OB/gyn, I already know how lamaze goes and I won't have to learn anything new. In fact, it could be yet another way you could help me prepare for motherhood since you won't be going to birthing classes with me.

Anyways, I look forward to your response as I see us having a most rewarding interaction together. I have to leave now so I can write to my mother about how excited I am to finally be able to experience the nausea, anemia, emotional unstability, and sleeplessness that make up the true joy of pregnancy. Alone. By myself. With no one to help me financially or emotionally (or even drive me to the hospital). You are a true and kind soul, and I am so excited to be able to call you my Baby-Daddy.

All my heart (and uterus),


PS... please bring Ralph's bag

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

And now for something completely different....

All my recent posts have basically been about men seeking women. But, some of the most horrendous CL posts I have seen have been from women seeking men. To be fair, I think that I should introduce the flip-side of the coin of the personal ad market and introduce....




In search of an honest man that wants a LTR.

Please no MARRIED men!

I am witty, classy, confident, and fun to be around. I have a lot of wonderful qualities that I would love to share with ONE man.


I find that most men think that they are Winnie the pooh and quickly want to dip into the honey.... You are not Winnie until I say you are!

Please send a picture of YOURSELF...on the subject line put LTR.

Best of luck to you all!


Dear Honeypot,

I saw your ad today and my heart went out to you. I can understand everything that you brought up in your ad. I admit, it wasn't hard to truly follow what you were saying with your use of enormous font and the impressive amount of CAPITAL LETTERS you used. But, I actually understood the subject matter as well and thought I would send you a note of encouragement as you embarked on your quest.

I can understand the frustration you must be experiencing. Dating is difficult enough, but when your needs aren't being met it's even harder. I mean, what girl wouldn't want a good suit of armor? Well, I don't particularly, as that would require me to wear it, or store it, or move it, or all sorts of other inconvenient things. Armor is heavy. But I'm sure that you are correct and a good suit of armor is what most women need and crave. I personally like my knights in their armor. There are several reasons for this, but the highest up on the list is so he (read: not me) has to fight with people and I can wave my handkerchief at him and sigh dreamily as he thumps people with his sword. Following closely behind it is that my knight will move the armor, clean the armor, store the armor, and generally keep the armor out of my way so I don't stub my toe on it. I've done that before, it's painful. Oh yeah, armor smells really bad if it's been used regularly. I hope you have some good air freshener.

I liked the fact that you incorporated the use of lists in your ad. I like lists. A lot. They really are the most convenient thing to really express the items you find important (in this case at least), and it helps the people reading the ad to quickly and easily assess whether or not they meet your qualifications and/or expectations. You also listed off your good qualities and I thought that too was a brilliant maneuver in your quest for a LTR. Or LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP as you put it. (Do you really feel the need to shout it out? I mean, I don't know many men that enjoy being screamed at about feelings).

Your list about yourself was very descriptive of your personality. I like that you are witty, and classy, and confident, and fun to be around. Do you have references? Or do you just like being around yourself so much you know it's a lot of fun? Did you take a poll of your friends? What about strangers? Were you rated on where your "fun level" was when under the pressure of interacting with people you don't know? And I am very curious about these "wonderful qualities" that you're willing to share with ONE man. What are these wonderful qualities that you can't share with anyone else? Can you do something you're not telling me about? You naughty girl. Hinting about that sort of thing in the same ad you're asking for a god-fearing man. Tsk tsk.

Speaking of what you were asking for, I would like to touch on the subject of the list of the qualities in a man you're looking for. I can understand the whole honest, loyal, trustworthy, etc. I mean, what woman doesn't want that in a man they're looking for? It's fairly rare to find a woman looking for a liar that cheats and steals out of her purse. But, then again, this is Craigslist, so who knows. Well, I probably have a better idea than most, but I'm getting away from the subject at hand. I was talking about your ad, and what you need in a man. Sometimes I can be such an attention whore.

Anyway, I particularly noticed that you demanded (I would say screamed, but that's just not nice) that your future mate be loving, generous, and above all, "know what it is to have a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP!!!" Honeypot, I'm going to ask you this in all seriousness, do you know what it is to have a long-term relationship? You're nineteen years old. How long was your long-term relationship that taught you what it is to have a long-term relationship? Or were you hoping for someone to teach you how to have one? I can understand that, I still don't know how to have one and I think I've probably had at least a little bit more dating experience than you. Probably not much more, but a little bit.

In my relatively limited experience in the dating world I have learned a few things about men. One of them in particular is that I have never, and I mean never, met a man who compared himself to Winnie the Pooh. The day I meet a man (no matter HOW close he actually mirrors Mr. Pooh) who compares himself to a fat, clumsy, awkward stuffed bear (and honestly believes in that resemblance) is the day that I start putting my cats outside at night and join a swingers club for the over 80's crowd. And I will bet you that none of those withered, prune-like men will consider themselves anything less than the very image of Adonis himself. But that's just my experience, and as my long-term relationships are relatively few in number, you might be right in the male desire to be Winnie the Pooh.

Anyway Honeypot, I just wanted to wish you luck out there. You seem like a girl who knows what she wants and is going to put it out there to find it. On a public forum. In central California. I would just suggest you wait for while before comparing your new armor bearing knight to an obese, somewhat slow, stuffed bear who is most likely going to suffer from Type II Diabetes before Christopher Robin reaches the ripe old age of 19.

All the best,


PS... if you put your honey somewhere that it's not easily accessible the men might stop dipping into it before you're ready for it.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Spare Room

I'm so excited today! I have followers!! And I'm only related to one of them! Woohoo! People think I'm funny!

(Well, two of my friends added me so I didn't feel bad about only having my sister following my blog. *snicker* But, that's what friends are for, right?)

Alright, on to the latest internet find...

This is just a quickie, I've been a little busy this weekend but have already been nudged a few times by people about where the Personals letters are, so I thought you might enjoy this gem of an advertisement.

Do you have a room to spare ?

Hi, I will be getting an inheritance soon and I need a place to live, I can only offer companionship and friendship in return for now, Please send a phone number and let's talk


Dear Friendly Companion,

It was with great interest that I read your advertisement this afternoon. This sounds like a situation that could be mutually beneficial for both of us since I have a place to live, and you have an inheritance. Well, a future inheritance, but it's basically the same thing, right?

Waiting on an inheritance is such pesky business, I know when I was waiting for mine it took forever! You see my great uncle Reginald Mortimer Brown III had left America and found his fortune in natural minerals in Nigeria in the 1950's. Since he spent his entire life in Nigeria following his dream he had no one to leave his vast empire to when he passed on. He had been the black sheep of the family and no one had even told me of his existence in my entire life. It wasn't until I received an e-mail from his banks to let me know about his dying wish for me to inherit his assets that I even knew I had a great uncle Reginald Mortimer Brown III. The banks were in Canada, and due to a lack of honesty in the tax department (silly Uncle Reggie was always trying to save his pennies), I couldn't collect my inheritance until I paid 20% of the $40 million he left to me.

I asked everyone I knew for a loan to cover the taxes until I could get my inheritance out of the banks in Canada, but no one would lend me any money so I could collect my $40 million dollars. So, after weeks of rejection by friends and family, I did what any normal person would do. I e-mailed strangers on the internet. Since they weren't related to me and would by no means lend me any money just to be nice, I offered to pay their loans back with a very high interest rate as soon as I got my money freed up. Luckily, there was a very nice retirement community in San Jose that happily sent me their social security checks to help me obtain my great uncle Reginald Mortimer Brown III's legacy. With their help, and the help from some very sweet old ladies from the Salvation Army who desperately wanted to assist a young girl  find closure in the death of her great uncle Reginald Mortimer Brown III, I was able to pay off the Canadian banks and free up my $40 million dollars. Of course, I had to change my name and hide from the FBI for the last four years, but it was worth it. I feel much closer to Uncle Reggie.

Perhaps you could ask some of your friends to help you collect your inheritance. Or, after you move in, you could ask some of our neighbors. There's a bingo hall down the street and the VFA gathers there every third Friday of every other month. I'm sure they would be happy to assist you. They are so nice.

Whoops, there I go. I apologize for rambling; I get carried away when reminiscing.

I would be very happy to have you come live with me while you wait for your inheritance. I understand how you must feel, and I would be overjoyed to assist you. After all, I often try to convince men that I will support them in my lifestyle if they will just live with me and keep me company. It's refreshing to find someone so giving and self-sacrificing. The fact that you would let me take care of you while you have no money and nothing to offer other than friendship and "companionship" is almost overwhelming. I am so excited to meet you.

There are so many things I want to know about you it's hard to know where to start. Do you like to watch TV? I don't have cable, but I don't want you to be bored and unhappy while staying for free in my house. I will order all the premium channels so you can watch sports and cartoons while I am at work. Maybe, when I get home from my 12 hour day, you'll let me rub your feet and make you dinner. I would like that. And if you vacuum the living room once a week, I'll be sure to remember to give you your allowance so you can go down to the game store and play Dungeons and Dragons with your friends. Just try to remember to put water in your dishes when you leave them in the sink, it's really difficult to get that cooked-on food off of the flatware when I come home from my job to clean the kitchen.

I hope you like eating at expensive restaurants and wearing nice clothes because I'm going to provide everything for you. In fact, I will just give you the numbers to all my accounts and you can take yourself on a nice shopping spree. And if you don't have a car, don't worry, you can drive mine. Just drop me off at work and try to remember to pick me up. I know I get off work at the same time you're watching Dragon Ball Z, but I can't get home in time to make you dinner before Yugi-Oh if I have to walk from San Francisco to Concord. And I know how much you hate the kitchen because of your sore back and sensitive skin. It's alright, I understand.

Anyway, I can't wait to hear from you. I'm looking forward to our first meeting. Do you need me to bring enough cash to get them to unlock your storage unit so you can get your things when I come pick you up? Just let me know if you do.

All my love,


PS... please bring ten year old sweatpants to sit in while on my couch all day

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Oh he's a wild one...

I have to admit, I feel a little guilty even bothering with this one. It's like Wilt Chamberlain playing basketball at the Special Olympics. But I really felt that people should see this amazingly impressive piece of literature, so here it is.

real wild male to get u wet

290 single bi male love to have sex in bed and outside ,hang out, kiss,hold hands,camp, good with my hands, ill make u cum alote,be my birthday gift u must be real do not send me to any site im 100% real so send ur stats and pixs im 100 percent real not fake never been arrested

Dear Wild Male,

I want to thank you for posting your ad today. The verbiage absolutely sang to me (as I was looking for a man who was 100%, or should I say, 100 percent real). You said both, so I figured you must be everything I'm looking for, possibly more. You could mean that you're actually 200% real and that's twice as real as I am looking for.

It is true that when I look for a man on the internet I look for a headline that mentions the ability to get me wet. It's so often that I can't find any man that will do that for me, and knowing that you guarantee it is very reassuring. By the way, how do you propose to do this to me? (Go ahead, I like to hear about what's in the future for me). Are you going to throw water balloons at me? Or spray me with a Super-Soaker (tm)? Or maybe you could just pick me up and throw me in the shower? You naughty boy, you. It's so rare I can find anyone that will engage in "water play" with me that the potential of having found my new sprinkler buddy is almost overwhelming.

I am very glad that you have never been arrested. As you mentioned that you like to have sex both "in" and "outside" of bed, I will take that as an indication that you have never been caught in flagranti delicto; that is very comforting to me. I would hate to have to explain to the police why I was wearing a gigantic bow labeled "Happy Birthday" while being mauled by a 300 pound man in a public campsite. That would be awkward. Unless you only like to kiss, hold hands, and hang out while camping. If that is the case then I can understand why you've never been arrested. That's pretty mild.

I can't believe that you're everything I've already mentioned and good with your hands! It's like finding the free toy in the Cracker Jack box! How are you single? By good with your hands, do you mean you can build things well? I could use a new kitty apartment for my cats (I have mentioned my two cats, haven't I), and if you're good at building things that would be AWESOME! Or maybe you could make me a bird house. I always saw those being made in shop classes and yet I never got one. Bird houses are sweet!

I'm sorry that you don't want me to send you to any websites. I would send you my Facebook link and you could look at my pictures. But, I assure you I am real. Well, as far a I know I am real. There are theories that suggest we only exist because we think we exist and if we stop thinking we exist we could cease to exist. Oooh... that might've been too much. Hope I didn't hurt your head with that one.

I hope I hear back from you soon so we can start planning our meeting before the holidays. If you could explain what "alote" is in your reply e-mail, I would appreciate it. I've never heard of it. Is that some sort of dirty game? Or, you mentioned that you're bi, is that your boyfriend's name? It sounds exotic. I can't wait to meet him.

Looking forward to seeing you and Alote,


PS - Please bring Slip 'n' Slide