Saturday, August 3, 2013

Where's My Red Pen?

Good Morning Blog-Land!

It's been a million years since I've posted anything, but... I just want to celebrate my 10,000 page view! I never thought I'd have four people come back to my blog THAT MANY TIMES in a three year period! Y'all are awesome. 

Anyway, I'm sitting here at the car dealership, working very hard at ignoring anyone who calls, and amusing myself by perusing the personals ads in towns I might like to live in someday. I mean, really, cat ladies have got to get their priorities straight for new locales. Screw that job and apartment bullshit, I need a date! 

Right when I was about to give up on the prospect of finding a new and exciting internet fling and resign myself to being stuck forever with my 6'2", blond, physicist who dotes on me, I found this gem. I hope he isn't reading this right now because I think I just found a real catch!!

I am looking to start a long term relationship with a woman that is smart, funny witty and clever. And doesn't believe in commas.  A woman that enjoys going out (still doesn't like commas) has a passion for film, <-- ooh, found one music lost it again and good beer. If you were a real hipster you'd have an appreciation for PBR too. And ironic glasses. A woman that wants to hold hands and go for a walk on a cool damp fall night. You live in the desert, are you whisking me away on your private jet to find a "damp" night? A woman that wants to be [both] romantic in public but longs and needs to be submissive behind closed doors. Only if you promise to talk in the run-on sentence style you write in. ItoldyouyouwerebeingabadgirlnowI'mgoingtohavetopunishyou. Oh yes! Also, I would consider revising the sentence as the word in brackets requires an agreeing clause to go with it. Your sentence would be fine if you just took it out. Are you that woman? Probably not, but for the sake of argument, let's just continue this discussion.

I am a 28 year old white man with a full time job and my own car. Can you say that in all one breath? Also, is your job at a law firm or McDonalds? I could have a full-time (check out that hyphen I threw in there, see how smart I am?) job at Sonic and drive an Oldsmobile Firenza, but that's not really saying much. I am about 6' and way 175 lbs My eye is twitching... WAAYYYY. I have black hair and brown eyes and have no problem meeting women You mean that you're discovered the secret of "Hi, my name is..."? AMAZING!, but I have found that I am not meeting the type of women I would like GOD DAMN IT USE A FUCKING COMMA so I have come to Generic Dating Site in the hopes of finding the right woman for me. You mean the type that won't walk away the minute you meet them?

If you think this is you please feel free to drop me a line with a picture and some info about your self. How about I just include a copy of The Only Grammar Book You'll Ever Need and a 900 number where you can talk to Bambi who would love to hear about what a bad girl she's been. Please put lobos as your heading so that I know you are in fact a real person and have read my ad. Oh, I read it alright. I think I need to go and cuddle my Thesaurus and take a minute to breathe.

Okay Lobos,

I'm just going to say I don't think our relationship is going to work out. You want to be able to be the assertive Dom in our relationship, and I hate to tell you this, but I wouldn't be able to follow your direction. I mean, I probably wouldn't even be able to figure out what you were trying to tell me to do, let alone feel any inclination to comply. Good luck out there though, I hope you'll be able to find someone both stimulating and compatible. (See that both in there? Oh yeah).

Best regards,

Future Crazy Cat Lady

1 comment:

  1. "I am silently correcting your grammar". Yeah. this will never work, Romeo.