I need someone in my life that isn't so selfish and ungrateful. Someone that actually wants a real loving relationship rather than just a free ride. Someone that cares about others feelings. Someone that when things go wrong understands and tries to make things better. Is that so much to ask for?
Dear Crushed Heart,
I was sitting here combing through the personal ads (it's been a while, I admit) and I saw your post. I hope I'm not too late in my reply and find you have already been swept up by the droves of women that are sure to have already responded to your completely appealing ad.
I've been waiting a very long time for a man to ask me to become involved in a serious relationship with him after first telling me about how awful his ex was. That never happens. It makes my heart feel all mushy inside to know that I could shoulder the burden of all the things she did to you before we've even had sex for the first time. That is extremely arousing to me, by the way. I mean, there's something so indescribably alluring about a man's come-on line that goes something along the lines of, "I'm extremely angry that I got treated poorly by a girl I was involved with and can't wait to get into a new relationship where I will emotionally bludgeon my new girlfriend for all the crimes of the ex." It makes me get all misty... well... not in my eyes, if you know what I mean. *wink wink*
I can tell it's important to you that I show you how much I care about you and your feelings so you will know you're going to be in safe hands. In order to do this with us not knowing each other very well, or at all, I will make sure to cover all topics in your note. In list form, of course. (I do love the lists).
- I can tell from your post that you dated someone who wanted a "free ride" so you will of course expect me to pay for everything for both of us. No problem, I find that hot. I can't wait for you to get angry about how she made you always pay for dinner and then refuse to pay for anything you and I eat. Even when I'm not hungry and you just want a snack. I got ya! It's all good, order an extra pretzel from that cart!
- You are looking for someone who cares about other people's feelings? I know what that means, and don't you worry your pretty little head about me being self-centered in that department. I am quite willing to put any needs and desires I have on hold so as not to appear focused on my own feelings. We will do nothing but stroke your ego and talk about how fantastic you are. In fact, any time I have a bad day or am not feeling so hot, why don't you immediately blow up about how all I do is bitch about stuff and never listen to you. Then I'll apologize profusely and give you a foot rub.
- You want someone who likes making it better when things go wrong? Shit yeah! I am there, man! By "wrong" I know you're referring to when I'm being incredibly selfish and irrational by wanting to do something other than watch your TV shows, and go hang out with your friends, and eat what you want to eat, and do what you want to do. Have no fear my future love! I will fix that shit right up. In fact, I will install a comment box in the hallway next to our bedroom (for anonymous comments of course) so that you (or some other nameless member of this relationship) can leave constructive criticism on how things can be improved between us. Let the understanding begin, Babe!!
Can't wait to hear from you!
Your Future Crazy Cat Lady
P.S. In your response, please include the top 45 things that pissed you off during your relationship with her so that I can prepare myself for what I'm going to be making up for. Xoxo