Sunday, June 24, 2012

Letters From My "Fans"

I'm bored. I illustrated my new blog cover photo (that's right! Appreciate that shit!!) and now I'm out of things to do. Then I realized that I haven't checked the e-mail account linked to this blog in a few months so I figured I'd get in there and see what might have come across the interwebs. I was hoping maybe Mr. Abromowitz from Canada stopped by and said hello. As my wedgie boy post still gets between 10-15 hits a week even though it's over a year and a half old, I have this feeling you're still peeking at it, Walt. You naughty boy, you.


Anyway, back to my e-mail inbox. The first e-mail I got was from someone wanting me to include links to their new online dating site in my blog.


Really, Laura? You were "reading" my blog and thought that I might be the person to go to for references for dating sites? You and Walt must be on the same page with thinking that I could POSSIBLY be the person to go to for any sort of reference for sex or dating. I'm a fucking CAT LADY. But whatever, I would love to write a post about your dating site! I'm not exactly sure it would say anything you'd really like potential customers to read, but I would be thrilled to talk about your site. I love dating sites.


The next e-mail I got was what I was really confused by. It made absolutely no sense. I mean, I could understand why Laura would think I would have anything to do with internet dating. There are a lot of tags to internet dating on my blog. While sending out searches of e-mail addresses to spam... er... send heartfelt messages to, I can see how I would pop up on there. Hell, I'm even willing to do it (provided she's not an internet robot trying to sell me web-cam sex. I can get that anywhere). But Christine sent me an interesting note about her weight loss app. 


Oh here, you guys just read it:


Hi Future cat lady,

I was reading your blog today and wonder you could give me an opinion on a diet/fitness app I'm making right now ?

For me, I think the problem with being healthy is motivation. It's an abstract, overwhelming goal. I think the best way to counter this is to have concrete, winnable games and small victories.

So, this app will makes living healthy, and fitness into a RPG game, where users earn points, and "level up' as they achieve their goals. Everytime they eat something healthy like vegetables, they earn points. Everytime they complete a workout, they earn points. Each level will present different challenges.

The challenges will follow a certain structure. First will come changing your environment such as getting rid of junk food. Then, reducing stress, as stress leads to eating comfort food. Then concrete goals like keeping track of everything you eat, or taking the stairs for a week. Small, concrete goals rather than abstract ones like "be healthy" or "exercise more".

The whole point is to create a holistic framework/game so people will rely less on willpower, and more on fun, achievement, and changing our environment.

What's your opinion on this idea? Would you want to know when I'm done with it?  If this sounds too silly, or absurd, just ignore what I just said, hehe =)

Best,
Christine








Dear Christine,


Thank you for your interest in my blog. I appreciate that I have such loyal fans with such attention to detail. Especially concerning my interests. I can tell that you read my blog very carefully before sending me this e-mail. I am OBVIOUSLY the person to go to about healthy living, fitness, and RPG games! I mean, I talk about that shit all the time on here! And it's not just me! When I think of cat ladies as a whole I totally think of healthy living and video games. They are all about that crap!


What the fuck, Christine?!


Are you kidding me? I'm a CAT LADY! As in, I would prefer to scoop shit out of a box than involve myself in human interaction. I like to sit around and eat cartons of ice cream while sitting on my god damned couch, dangling a string-toy-thing for my asshole of a cat who won't let me have two minutes to myself without shoving his ass in my face. My "game systems" consist of a 1980's Nintendo that I don't even remember where the power supply cord is and a Game Cube that I have TWO games for and I can't remember the last time I turned it on. The idea of polling ME for you fitness doodad is both silly AND absurd. But no, I'm definitely not ignoring what you said! In fact, let's talk about it.


You're obviously breaking the mold on weight loss here. Get rid of stress and eat vegetables? What a concept! My jaw dropped the minute I read that. You're saying that people have to keep track of what they eat and get rid of junk food? That's amazing! I'm sure no one has heard that before. I always thought there was some sort of secret fairy dust to drop those pounds. Maybe a little dance in the light of the full moon before bathing in a mythical stream surrounded by ferns and unicorns. I am in awe of your innovation. What's next? Portion control? EXERCISE???


Okay, really, turning weight loss into a game is a fantastic idea! I can't believe no one has.... oh wait...


Go buy a fucking Wii and quit bothering people on the internet. If you want to survey people on their opinions of your product, there are websites that people sign up for to do that. I have more important shit to do like finish eating this CARTON of donuts after sleeping until noon before I woke up to brush the cats and vacuum. 


Have a great day,


Sincerely,


Future Cat Lady


P.S. If you have any of that fairy dust, I would be interested in reviewing that. Fuck that "work" to lose weight. Pfft.

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