Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Who Could Say No?

Huh... well... Looking at this ad, all I can say is, "Wouldn't we all like that?"

Looking for a man who can support me. I want to have a big art collection and live in an expensive home. I am studying to be an artist and interior designer. I like an active lifestyle. I like to go out to eat at nice restaurants. I enjoy shopping.

My dear starving art student,

It was with much interest that I looked at your personal ad this weekend. It was quite a an impressive read, and I really wanted to give it the full amount of consideration it is worth. I definitely didn't want to reply too hastily, as I think you truly have something special here. After carefully perusing it, and thinking deeply about all the matters at hand, I just wanted to help you a little bit to get the maximum number of worthy responses you deserve. 

First off, normally I suggest women just come right out and say what they want, but obviously you need no such encouragement. In fact, I would recommend the opposite. Perhaps you should slow down a little bit, at least for the first sentence. Maybe you should start out with something like: "looking for a comfortable man of substance" or something along those lines. Just coming out and saying you're looking for a man to support you might give your readers the wrong idea. Like you're just looking for a paycheck or something! And I am completely sure that's not what you're trying to say! It's obvious you're looking for someone to share a long and meaningful relationship with you. I can see that, but your readers might not get that idea, and we wouldn't want that sort of misunderstanding getting in your way.

Actually, maybe we should rewrite the whole thing. How it's coming across right now is:

I don't want to work and I would like a man who has no self-esteem and would like to pay me to hang out with him. I want him to buy me a ton of shit to decorate the over-sized house I will demand from him. I want over-priced canvases covered in splatter-painting so I can show how in-touch I am with the thriving art scene. My major is 99.9% guaranteed to never get me a job that will pay more than my cell phone bill. I would like for you to pay for me to go on vacations and perhaps pay for an incredibly attractive personal trainer to assist me in my "activities". I can't cook. At all. I would like to spend your money and I have absolutely no hobbies whatsoever.

I don't think that this is quite what you were trying to say, so I propose this minor edit. It might help just a little bit in convincing a man to supply you with all the things you want.

Wanted: Man to make the dying wishes of a end-stage cancer victim come true.

I have very little time left and would like to have a man to spend my last days with. Due to my debilitating condition I cannot work and it would be helpful if you could provide me with the little things in life so we can enjoy each other in my last few days on this earth. I've always wanted to be surrounded by beautiful masterpieces that are in an expansive hall displaying them. I had aspirations of creating such works of art, and displaying them in a tasteful and elegant display, but my dream has been stolen from me due to a cruel twist of fate. My doctors have suggested that I exercise as much as possible in order to help me fight off this awful disease. My hands shake too much from my medications to allow me to cook very well. Going to the mall and boutiques allows me a small amount of comfort as I buy things and pretend I'll be able to use them before I die.
*cough cough*  

I think that this might be as good as what you wrote, and might actually land you someone before your original ad.

Let me know what you think!


Future Cat Lady

P.S. I would bill you for my services, but I have no need of any more mediocre art or flower arranging. Best of luck!

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