Thursday, April 19, 2012

Marriage Advice

Good day to you my fine readers!

Today, as I was wasting time at my computer and being sure to look like I was attending to something incredibly important, I found this interesting nugget. I'm not really quite sure what to say about it, I am definitely the last person I would go to for relationship advice, but... well... Here, why don't you guys just take a little peek really quick.

Title: I miss the Man U had the potential to be

Why do you always wait for the moment that will make your words cut the deepest? Why do you have to use the words that bring tears to my eyes? Most husbands hurt when they see their wives tears.....I'm beginning to think you enjoy it.  

I know, right? What does one say to something like this?

Dear Married Teenager,

Today, while reading your letter I felt a surge of emotion going out to you. Your pain was completely apparent and I am SO sorry you felt that you had to put something like this out on the "Missed Connections" for your husband to read. I am positive that this note really touched him and showed him the pain and misery he is causing you! (Although, hopefully he can figure out which one of his "wives" wrote this). Luckily, it's completely obvious who he is, and I'm sure he'll have no problem knowing that this note (on a public internet forum) is for him. 

Honestly, I think writing public, passive-aggressive notes for your partner is an excellent way of dealing with problems in a relationship. I know that whenever my cats piss me off, the first thing I do is run off to my laptop and hammer out the most wicked note you'll ever see. Then I post it on every site I can find. Hell, I even have a Yelp review on the effers! One more hairball and Chrissy is down to half a star! Maybe you should do that! You and the rest of his wives could get together and write a review on his performance as a husband. He would probably TOTALLY get it if he saw his star-rating plummet down to 1. It works for everywhere else, why not in a marriage? 

This note is by far the best example I've seen in marital problem solving! I think I might recommend this to Dr. Phil. Heaven forbid you actually talk to him and say something like, "it hurts my feelings when you do this." I would say to throw in a tear or two, but it sounds like you've already done that and he totally digs it. What a sick bastard! I bet he does it on purpose! (Although, I don't know a man out there that doesn't love women crying... the minute the waterworks start they go crazy for it).

Wait, I've got an idea! Maybe Dr. Phil will let you guys go on his show!! Because, even better than a vague, public note on the internet, dragging your significant other onto a live TV show and airing all your problems to be reviewed by a live, studio audience is an amazing example of really putting in the extra effort for your relationship. I think you guys have got something special here.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you a little encouragement in your remarkable problem-solving skills and say, keep up the good work! Wives like you help ensure that I won't have a date for the next ten years. And for that, I am eternally grateful!


Your Future Crazy Cat Lady

P.S. I will expect my Yelp review by tomorrow, I really want to see how those stars rack up. 

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