Sunday, January 30, 2011

At Last! The Wedgie Slave I've Always Dreamed Of!

Good morning my fabulous readers! (All three of you).

I found something today that made me almost spit coffee all over my desk. That would be an unfortunate situation as I'm surrounded by electronics, but I was willing to risk them to pursue my dream of finding a man to support me in the lifestyle I wish to have my cats become accustomed to. I'm sure there is a man out there for even the most determined of cat ladies. Actually I'm positive if the number of ads that are written by women's "pets" on some of these sites are indicitave of any type of success. Seriously ladies... why don't you just put up a picture of your bed covered in stuffed animals and doilies while you're at it?

I'm here at the car dealership I work at every other weekend, minding my own business and (of course) looking at the internet personal ads. It's fairly rough to browse the personals in between my busy job of answering the phone to tell people that the service department isn't open on the weekends and making coffee. Seriously, I get like four phone calls an hour! How is a girl supposed to concentrate on finding the future man of her life, aka food provider for her cats, if she has to stop for such trivial things like her job. Oh well, such is the life of a single cat lady with two hungry mouths to feed.

Anyway, enough about my exciting lifestyle, on to my most recent prospect for "happily ever after" bliss.

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I am a twenty-something year-old male with an obssession with wedgies, a male who loves it when a woman wedgies me. I am looking for a woman who has a similar quirk to my own, who can dominate me with wedgies, but also give gentle, sensual wedgies as well. If there are any ladies who share this fetish, then please write back. I anxiously look forward to being your wedgie slave. 

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My Dear Future Panty Boy,

The other night, as I sat on my couch drinking gin and tonics and watching high school angst movies, I thought about how much fun it would be to go back to that time. Back to the time when 17 yr olds on steroids ran through the halls screaming at the tops of their lungs and swatting cheerleaders on the rump. When the nerds hacked into the school computers and changed every one's grades. When the drama crew... wait... I think I'm mixing the real version of high school up with what I saw on television. I don't remember any of that. Nor do I remember anyone getting wedgies. I was really missing out!

Don't get me wrong, Panty Boy, the idea of pulling a pair of tighty whities up over the top of your pants so hard the waistband rips and you talk in falsetto for two hours is very arousing to me. I can't believe I never experienced it. In fact, I think I could definitely get into this whole scenario. We could go man-panty shopping for you for our first date. Let's pick out fun patterns and designs. I want you to surprise me with which ones you're wearing when I shove my hand down your pants, grab a handful of your briefs, and jerk them up, how did you say it, gently and sensually. I think we should stick with shades of brown though, just for laundry purposes. I'm sure you know how hard it is to get those stains out. Leopard print might be okay too. The natural one with tans and browns, none of those hot pink ones. That would just be weird.

I am really into this idea of yours, but I was wondering if we could take it a little bit further. You see, I have had the fetish of giving boys wedgies, but in my fantasy it's in a boys' locker room. Something about the smell of cheap cologne and jock straps in the air while I rip cotton briefs up out of someone's pants gets me so turned on. I was wondering if you would mind if I wore football pads and cleats while I'm giving you a wedgie. And, can I shove you in a locker for a while too? Of course I'll let you out of the locker before too long, but only so I can give you a swirly in a toilet I just peed in and hang you by your wedgie off of the hook on the door of the stall afterwards. This would really round out my need to give a wedgie. If you would wear some square glasses held together by tape I think I might marry you. Does any of this sound as erotic to you as it does to me? Because I'm about to go dust off my old yearbook and start setting up my garage in a locker-room motif.

The only thing I'm concerned about with this situation is that you mentioned the fact that you want to be a wedgie "slave." As I'm new to this whole role-playing thing, does that mean that you want wedgies numerous times a day? Like every time you bring me my slippers and a beer I have to tug your undies a bit? Or is it like I had a bad day at work and I come home and take my aggression out on your briefs, and perineum for that matter. Do you have health coverage by the way? Because I'm thinking you might end up needing stitches, or an orchioplasty at some point if we end up doing this frequently. Not that I mind if you don't mind. They're your balls, after all. If you are down I can be down too.

Anyway, Panty Boy, I have to go now. I think I am going to have to go to the hardware store and buy doors with reinforced, steel hooks in them so I can get the proper angle to hang you from without you falling. And I have to have time to get to the sports equipment store so I can grab a bite guard and new helmet pads.

Looking forward to seeing you in the shower room,

Your Future Cat Lady

P.S. Please bring Hanes 3 pack





Thursday, January 20, 2011

It's Better to Play With a Group Than With Yourself

Greetings group (I'm pretending there's more than a handful of you reading this),

Today I have a fabulous specimen of man to lay before you. I am very excited about this one, and I am hoping against hope that he will deign to allow me to go over to his house for some morning fun. (He's also 50+ which makes it that much more tantalizing to me).

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Im looking to do some playing this morning with a vibrator, you can come to my place, I have a few vibrators we can try out, you get off a few times then you can call it a day, unless you like sucking on a older guy with a reg cock, not needed but wouldn't say no eather lol..
be clean and ready for a nice vibrator orgasm.. no fakes or spam, a pic will get this going, im ok with any age, im easy..


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Dear Easy, Vibrating Friend,

It was with much interest that I read your ad this morning. I was surprised to see it as, just before I started perusing the personals, I had been thinking about how nice it would be to start my morning off with a session of multiple vibrators with a stranger off the internet. You'd be surprised how many girls long for the opportunity to wake up, drive an hour, and play with a stranger using accessories of unknown sanitation. This is positively scintillating to me. You're not too far of a drive for me, so I think this can be arranged. Do you have enough lube for multiple vibrators? If not, I will stop by my office and grab some out of the case of Astroglide (tm) I keep in my desk for occasions just like this. I even have the Natural style. I'm not sure what's so natural about it, but who cares. Green points for us! (Are your vibrators run on rechargeable batteries by any chance? That would totally get us bonus points...).

I can only imagine the volume of responses you're getting on this ad. My letter will probably be at the bottom of an inbox filled with women longing for an aging man with an average penis to watch them pleasure themselves with as many vibrators as they can find in his secret toy box in the basement. I like that you might let me pleasure you orally when I'm done using your collection of magic wands. I'm sure that tidbit is one of the reasons the women on the internet are banging down your door. What woman wouldn't want to put a questionable penis in her mouth after massaging herself with several used sex toys? It's positively arousing!

I was offered an opportunity like this once a few years ago by a man named Vinnie. Then again, he offered me $300.00 and a carton of smokes, but we're friends right? I ended up telling him no, even though the idea of strange men watching me during my most intimate moments is always something I fantasize about. It almost sounds like the plot of the movie I saw in one of those adult video arcades. (Don't ask, it's a long story). In fact, I think this is the plot. Girl responds to ad on dating site, girl drives to strange man's house, girl goes to town with a plethora of vibrators. You know which one I'm talking about. Or maybe I've confused it with that other movie where the girl was lured into some creepy guy's house off the internet and found herself handcuffed to a furnace in the basement. Now I can't remember.
Anyway my easy, vibrating, old man, I'm going to have to go now. I have to go shower and make myself springtime fresh so you're not disappointed with my cleanliness. I can see that you're a discerning man and expect only the best for your special toys.

See you in a few hours,

Phoebe

P.S. Please have extra batteries


Thursday, January 13, 2011

There Can Be Only One!

I'm going to have to start today's entry with an apology for not posting anything recently. My last post wasn't necessarily up to my normally stringent standards and it was advised to me by my dearest friend (during a pajama-clad wrestling match on the floor of her house over my smart phone) that it might not have been my best work. Therefore, I have been waiting for a suitable post to cross my radar before responding. That way I can take the time and effort to formulate a right and proper response for my fellow internet daters. Also, I have been trying to crawl out of this vodka bottle I fell into a few weeks ago and haven't really had the time or inclination to amuse anyone other than myself.  (Instructions for this particular diet/lifestyle to follow at a later date) 

I really didn't think that anyone would notice I was gone. I only have 11 followers, and very few hits on this thing a day, but apparently the news of my absence from the internet dating scene has gotten out somehow. It seems I have someone vying for my position of "Top Cat Lady of the Dating Sites". And no, it's not my illustrious predecessor, Cat Lady, Sr.

What is this world coming to? You don't dig around on dating forums or post snarky blogs for a couple weeks and all of a sudden people just think they can come along and steal your thunder? As though they're entitled to what you've worked so hard to achieve? When I think of the hours I've spent cleaning up sticky hairballs, scooping litter, and being woken up at 3:30am by a cat foot in the mouth I admit I get fairly upset that someone thinks they can just come along and move in on it all so easily. I comfort myself with the knowledge that it is highly unlikely that this usurper could ever survive all the awkward first dates, crappy meals, and uncomfortable good-byes I've experienced that led up to my determination to be the best cat lady that I could be. Does she have friends that mutter the mantra "When you think of bad first dates, think of Phoebe"? I think not! I've done my time, Sister!

I'll let you guys be the judge though, maybe she is a better cat lady than me.....

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My mommy is seeking a man who will adore me and my sister and keep her off the darn internetz. She's petite, a good cook (and I know this from personal experience). She likes the usual stuff blah, blah, blah! Please send her a picture with your response and tell her a little about yourself. Meow

*Insert picture of "cute cat gazing at the camera that I won't put here to protect the privacy of the poor little thing" here*

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Dear Image Stealing Hussy,

WTF?!?! How dare you try to steal my pick-up line? Next you're going to start talking about your cat's bowel movements and how you are concerned he might have an intestinal blockage from eating a hair-tie while you were arranging all his kitty toys by size and color aren't you? You'd better back the f*ck off Missy! These are my feline-loving men!

Okay, now that I've gotten that hissing and scratching out of the way, I suppose that I should fess up that I actually have no interest in the dating world right now. Since even cat ladies need love, I think I'll help you re-work your ad so you can find your ideal man. I would hate for you to think I'm trying to be selfish with the men who actually want to hear the stories about what our cats did last night, or how useful it is to have a bulimic cat that pukes from looking at food and another cat that finds pre-masticated food a fine and exciting delicacy. After reading through your post thoroughly (alright, I looked more than once because you included a cat picture), I've come to the conclusion that in order for you to find an acceptable date, your ad might need a little bit of tweaking with some of the language/phrasing of your "wants". It's also a possibility that you might want to re-evaluate your "perfect mate" for a number of reasons that I noted in the margins while skimming through your note on the way to look at the picture of your cat:

Reason 1: Always be careful what you wish for.

I remember when I was 5 and my sister was 7 1/2 and we were being weighed in the bathroom. I was 62 lbs and she was 63 lbs and I thought to myself, "I can't wait until I'm bigger than my sister!" She's now 5'2" and 120 lbs and I am 5'9" and I'm not even going to discuss my weight. (I should have wished for bigger boobs than my sister, my life would be perfect). If you open your mouth about what you "wish you had" you need to be incredibly specific or you'll end up with the cruelest joke nature can provide. Believe me. I've gotten what I asked for far too many times, and I always forget that crucial thing, like "enjoys my company" or "doesn't have sex with all my friends." I shudder to think about what happens if I ever decide to have children as I used to think that twins were the coolest things ever...

Your first requirement was for someone who likes your cats and can keep you off the internet. With that being what your asking (and based on my experiences of asking the universe for things) you could end up with some Neanderthal-esque man with a cat fetish that cuts your phone lines and duct-tapes you to your computer chair away from any possible escape route while you helplessly watch him "adore" them. All your requirements would be met right there. Then again, maybe that's what you're looking for... everyone has their own quirks; I'm not judging.

Reason 2: Never trust a thin cook.

You're petite and a good cook? And your cat knows this? Do you feed your cat gourmet people food? That's not good for them. I read yesterday that it can cause intestinal bleeding. (You know how you find out your kitty's having intestinal bleeding don't you? Yes, like that).Yuck. I doubt your cat-adoring yeti of a future boyfriend would be interested in looking at that while he's adoring your cats or eating your food. Maybe you should offer a different reference for the quality of your cooking. Like your mom. Everyone knows that if your mom says you're good at something it's totally true.

I have to admit, this whole thing is really quite vexing to me. Don't you know the first thing about being a proper cat lady? Obviously not, as you actually put up a dating ad. But, since you included a picture of your cat you managed to retain many, many cat-lady points. But seriously, a proper cat lady does not claim to be a good cook. That would take time away from our cats. We must remember that we are the female versions of the pissed off old men that drink beer on the porch screaming at kids for throwing their Frisbees over the fence. We can make a mean cocktail, microwave frozen meals, prepare simple dinners that make anyone around us cringe, and most importantly... open cans of cat food. It is also fairly appropriate to smell vaguely like tuna fish at all times. This causes the cats to come running, you know. It is not appropriate to have a social life, like dogs, or cook well. Above all else, you must never, ever, allow anything or anyone get in the way of your cat's comfortable sleeping arrangement. Both my cats have permanent spots on my bed, one on the pillow and one on the back of my knees. There really isn't any room for anyone else in there. Perhaps your future cat-loving wildebeest would be okay sleeping on the couch though...

Reason 3: Don't put pictures of your children on internet dating sites

How could you expose your poor little cat to the perverts of the internet by posting a picture of him on a public dating forum? Don't you know the types of people that peruse these sites looking for pictures and posts for their own personal amusement... um... er... whatever. It's not right! If it hadn't have been me that found this post your poor kitten could be found on some sort of kitty internet porn site being exploited. That yeti with a cat fetish could've seen that photo and used you to get closer to your cats so he could turn a quick buck on kittylove.com for all you know. Shame on you!

Anyway, my sister in cat-love, I am going to have to be going now. My kitten seems to be peeing on my shoes to get my attention and I have to go lovingly scold him while pretending he cares what I'm saying. Good luck in your dating venture, and I pray if you do get what you asked for he will leave the duct tape loose.

All the best,

Phoebe

P.S. You might want to consider keeping a razor blade on your person...