Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Panty Raid!!!

Well, hi there! It's been a while since I've written anything humorous, so I thought I'd put something out there.

I was super excited to find this ad the other day. I've heard of this fetish for years, but have yet to find anyone that really wanted to purchase used panties from a girl. Years ago, when I lived in Oregon, a girl went missing and one of the (unfortunate) prime suspects was an Asian student who had an enormous collection of stolen panties. He'd snagged them out of dryers on and off campus and while they were looking for clues for Brooke, they stumbled upon his panty stash. His collection was obviously fairly mild as he snagged them already laundered, but it was still quite the scandal. (I have to admit, I like cleanliness in a man).

Our fastidious panty-grabber was not a man who stole the owners of the underwear he snatched, but he'd been publicly outed and it opened my eyes to the wide world of how to fund my schooling (other than people checking out the ads on my page... *blatant plug to make me some money so I can only be a somewhat hungry student vs starving*). I was trying to figure out how to get into the panty-selling business when I stumbled across this particular ad.

Hi Sexy Bay Area Ladies:  Do we have to be sexy? I mean, it's just our underwear you want. How about just moderately good looking?

Are any of you out there interested in making a very easy $100?
Well, DUH!

I will pay you that much for a pair of your sexy skimpy undies.
Your version of sexy, or mine?

There are some details I'd like to discuss with you about the transaction. One thing is that I'd like to meet live for the exchange. So, if you have any interest in this, please let me know.

I promise a safe, sane, and fun encounter.
Thank God! I hate dangerous underwear that go insane when I'm trying to put them on. I've got a scar... I'm actually a totally nice and professional guy. Right, and I'm a totally normal chick who just happens to dig through the personals on a regular basis. Wait a minute...

No problemo, Chief! Just bring that $100 on over here!
Dear Panty Purchasing Pal,

It was with much interest that I read your inquiry into the ownership of my frilly bits this morning. After a great deal of careful consideration, I think that I can help you with your quest for soiled skivvies. I just have a few things I need to ask before we can get together and I can hand over my underoos for cash. (Sorry, I don't take PayPal or checks).

First off, do you have a preference for skimpy undies? Are you a briefs man? Or perhaps you are more inclined to ass-floss? Probably more fragrant that way... I have them all, you just need to tell me which ones you want so I can unwrap them and put them on. I'm not really attached to any of them, I never wear them anyway, and I think the most I spent on any of them was $6.95 so it's all profit for me. If you'd prefer, we could go panty shopping and you could pick your poison.

I was trying to find a vending machine, but it looks like Japan actually has outlawed used panty sales (although they still allow new panties) from vending machines, so that might be why you're questing online for the elusive panty trove. Have no fear, I am resourceful and I think we can find panties in other places I know Victoria's Secret is probably having their semi-annual "Panty Raid" at some point soon, we could get five for $25! Just think of all the crotch huffing you could get out of that!!! Or we could just go and buy a 5-pack of briefs from WalMart real quick. I love WalMart clothes... it's the only time I've ever been an XXS in anything... especially panties!!!

I suppose my most important question is... are you wanting panties that I myself have worn? Or just panties that I own? I have an odd legacy of inheriting random articles of underthings out of relationships. Like the enormous amount of socks floating around the bottom of my sock drawer. I have at least one sock from every relationship I've been in (except for two, but I ended up with shirts from those). Also, what time of the month are you WANTING these panties from? I'm not pointing any fingers or anything, but some girls rarely wear underwear unless it's THAT time of the month, and I would hate to surprise or disappoint you (depending on what you're going for).

Before I go, I was also wondering... What kind of "live" meeting are you wanting? Like, do you want to see me in the panties before you'll pay me? If you're wanting to see me IN the panties I'm afraid there's going to be an extra fee for "shipping and handling" if you know what I mean. Or maybe you're thinking something more covert... like I could show up in an over-sized trench coat with panties hanging off the lining and you could pick the pair you want while we stand in a dark alley. I could totally do that, I even have the perfect coat for that meeting.

Anyway, darling panty-quester, I look forward to coming to an arrangement with you (and getting some of these underwear out of my closet).

Warmest Regards,

Future Cat Lady

P.S. You might want to bring a lint roller... any article of clothing that's entered my house leaves with at least an inch of cat hair.

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