Hmm... haven't been on here for a while

Hey there folks!

I have to admit, I haven't felt much like digging around on the interwebs for the last couple months. In fact, today is the first day I actually accessed FB through my computer vs my phone. Wow, can't say I'm the biggest fan of the new layout, but I'm guessing it'll grow on me eventually. Not that cat ladies need social networks. We are above that. Does it feed cats? No? Well, then fuck that shit. I was up at 6am this morning because my two deadbeat felines felt the need to eat. (The nerve of some critters) And I had to go buy them cat food. WTF? Spoiled little shits. I don't know what I'm going to do with them. They cost too much money. I'm thinking of having them stuffed, then I can just prop them up as paperweights and door stops and continue on my happy way. I would probably miss them though, there's something comforting about being purred at.

Due to the extreme expense of these two piggy little creatures, I'm starting to look for ways to supplement my income. I then found this fantastic advertisement in today's Talent Section.

Lookingfor attractive females to kick me in the ba*ls! Yes I'm serious! If you are interested send me a pix of u and a foot pic and a cell number u can be reached at pay is good

Huh. That doesn't sound too bad. I mean, he's offering $300/session.

Dear Sir,

I recently saw your ad looking for a Personal Ball Kicker and would like to offer my resume for consideration in your search. I am sure that my resume will show my experience and qualifications of being the best ball kicker you could imagine.While I don't have much experience in the realm of ball-kicking, I am a fast learner and would be happy to work overtime to perfect my technique. I will kick the shit out of your junk as much as you want.

I am sure you have had numerous women apply for this coveted position, so I want to make sure you have an idea of how perfect I am for your ball-kicking coordinator. Not only am I willing and able, but I have a work history of abusing genitalia. (Yes, I have assisted in many a circumcision). Also, I have to admit, the idea of being able to repeatedly kick someone with such awesome grammar and typing skills in the balls is positively scintillating to me. In order to prove to you my potential in scrotal punting, I have prepared a list of several qualifications, or Ball-Kicking Points, that demonstrate I possess the well-rounded background that will enable me to be the personal ball-kicker you both want and deserve.

BKP #1. I have an extreme amount of pent-up rage towards the carriers of the XY chromosome. I feel that I could direct that anger into making the abuse of your balls as pleasurable and rewarding as possible for you.

BKP #2. I played a lot of kick ball in elementary school. I was quite good at it, especially if I got a running start. Would that be acceptable for you? I know it's been many, many years since I played (I really did receive a letter telling me a boy couldn't believe how old I was once) but I feel that the experience I gained through that sport has stayed with me.

BKP #3. I have accidentally kicked numerous male friends of mine in the nuts throughout my life. When I think about the pain and agony I caused them on accident, just imagine what I could do if I was trying to kick you in the balls.

BKP #4. I have had years of experience in step-aerobics which gives me a vast background of different types of kicks and leg-swings. I think that this would bring something exciting and versatile to the table.

and

BKP #5. I collect shoes like my sweaters collect cat hair. My collection has gotten so large it has its own bookshelf to house these shoes. If you desired, you would never have to be kicked in the balls by the same pair of shoes again. Just think of the diversity of imprints on your scrotum.

I hope this list of Ball-Kicking Points has illustrated my desire to be your personal ball-kicking assistant. I have included a list of references (aka my friends I accidentally kicked in the nuts throughout the years) as well as my contact information should you desire to speak to me regarding setting up an interview or obtaining more information on my ball-kicking experience.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Future Crazy Cat Lady

P.S. What are your feelings on cleats??