Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Boobs! I Love Boobs!

Greetings Gentle Readers, (Yeah, name that newspaper column)

It's another glorious summer day in SFO. The rain is pouring down, the bums are huddling under cardboard boxes, and taxi drivers are spewing profanities at each other while splashing brown puddles on innocent pedestrians waiting to cross the street. Ah, city life. 

I've been traveling quite a bit lately and I haven't been able to update my internet dating conquests for quite some time. I humbly offer my apologies to all ten of my readers for the neglect that I've shown. I have a bad habit of forgetting that I hate people, so I go out and attempt to have a life until I realize that I absolutely abhor having to interact with people around me and I would prefer to sit on the couch with my cats watching television and consuming pints of ice cream like the freezer is broken. Occasionally, I'll mix it up a bit and add in a yoga DVD or something. Not that I'm doing yoga, I'm just looking at the chick in spandex turning herself into a pretzel. Who exactly do you think you're talking to?

Anyway, today, while slaving away in the Vagina Labor Camp, I took a brief respite during lunch and peeked at a couple of the dating sites that I like to nose around on. I was thrilled to find this gem of an ad.

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What's with all the skinny, flat-chested, padded bra wearing women these days? I miss the women who proudly carry D's, DD's and the DDD's. I think the F's and bigger just up and disappeared? Living on the coast really narrows the selection quite a bit but can't a guy catch a break? This isn't so much an ad as it is a beacon, I truly appreciate a well endowed woman who knows that having big boobs is probably the most feminine, powerful and wonderful thing to have. So, if you are truly "busty" and don't have lie about or add 2 cup sizes to your actual bra size just to appear bigger, then I want to be a friend! I prefer non-smokers. I'm 41, white, 5'11", 185lbs, non smoker, no drugs. Pics would be appreciated if you reply, please put a description of you as well.

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Dear Breast Enthusiast,

I was so glad to have found your... beacon today while reading through my afternoon funnies... er... personals. You have got to be one of the most understanding men I've ever encountered. I can't tell you how long I've shamefully hidden my enormous breasts from the world through the use of sports bras, Saran Wrap, and a bit of twine. Not to mention the occasional use of some well-placed duct tape when absolutely necessary. At least once a week I will go somewhere in a low-cut blouse, displaying at least four inches of cleavage and I am completely ignored by the men of the establishment in favor of some stick-shaped bimbo whose chest might as well be her back! Damn those skinny, flat-chested women out there making me feel unfeminine and weak! I am sure that they are the reason that all the women with F's and bigger are out hiding in a cave in the mountains. I've seen them out there, weeping over their misfortune and teeming with jealousy of not having the privilege of resembling a 2x4. In fact, I have found myself pretending to have a padded bra on under my knit sweater instead of admitting that it is my own ample bosom. I will tape my breasts down and then wear a padded bra over the tape just to throw those shallow men off the trail. The look of horror when my first boyfriend opened my shirt to reveal my DD's instead of a far superior AA has haunted me for years now. I wish there were more men like you.

I am in awe of your sincere, and genuine proposal of friendship for these poor, unfortunate, "busty" women who are probably out there being ignored by all the men chasing the Skippers instead of the Barbies. I know that none of us are ever offered companionship because of these unsightly mounds of flesh hanging off of our torsos and you are truly unique and considerate compared to the other men of my aquaintance. I will be sure to pass along your address to all of my friends with the disability of ginormous breasts.

I am anxiously looking forward to speaking with you further on this subject as I have been judged for my large, full breasts for far too long and I am tired of it! I refuse to go the way of the other women with my disfigurement and get a reduction because of "back pain". Plastic surgery is not the answer! We shouldn't have to make up some bogus reason to change our bodies just so men will find us appealing. Back pain my foot! Next, women are going to complain that they're getting stooped over due to the weight of their breasts or that their bra straps are leaving permanent grooves in their shoulders because of the strong gravitational pull on their oversized bazoombas. I am going to make a stand!

In regards to your wanting to correspond with me, I will definitely include a picture. But, would you like a pic of all of me, or would you prefer that I just send a picture of my breasts? If you're only wanting a picture of my gigantic boobs I will be sure to wear one of my fancier braziers. I get them in three packs from JC Penny's as they're the only place that carries my size. I have the choice between white and taupe. Sometimes the white ones have little flowers embroidered on them though. I always feel so sexy in those bras.

Anyway, I have to go now, I have a date tonight and I need to get home so I can have my roommate wrap my upper torso with several ACE bandages before she goes out. I really want to wear my new turtleneck sweater and I don't want there to be any evidence of bumps showing.

Looking forward to hearing back from you,

Phoebe

P.S. Please include a picture of your penis with a ruler for reference. I know most women prefer small, thin penises, but I have a deep appreciation for the larger versions of the male phallus. I don't know where all the guys with huge members are, it's like all the 8"+ guys just up and disappeared.

2 comments:

  1. DAMN THIS IS GOOD...I didn't even know you were doing this....you may have one more reader....make it eleven. Sorry, no photos...plausible deniability and everything you know.

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  2. Why thank you *blush* But now I'm curious who this is as you are all anonymous and stuff. I'm glad you like it though... we're working on a video response to the cat lady e-harmony video too

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