Sunday, June 12, 2011

Are You Effing Kidding Me????

So, I think most of you have seen the recent YouTube (tm) video about the weeping cat lover looking for romance. I know I've seen it, a LOT, as I have been sent this link numerous times by several of my dear friends who know of my affinity for my feline companions.

Anyway, yesterday one of my many, many, MANY admirers (I have mentioned how irresistible I am to the opposite sex, haven't I? Not that any of you didn't realize that by gazing at my glamorous photo, I'm sure) sent me the link and wrote how he'd laughed so hard he almost fell off of his chair. So, of course, I had to watch it. I love a good laugh at a personal ad, as you all know. Every time I was sent the link I happened to be at a computer that did not have sound so it was getting immensely frustrating by the end of the second day.

Yesterday, after I slaved over the phones (and Facebook) at the dealership, I finally had time to sit down in front of my (ancient) laptop and view the masterpiece I'd been hearing about. I changed into my comfy pajama pants, aka nightly uniform after work, got myself my favorite tasty beverage, and snuggled up with my two best friends for what was sure to be the most amusing YouTube (tm) video I'd ever seen. Or, at least that's what everyone else said I would be watching. What I actually ended up watching was 2 min 32 seconds of the most pathetic drivel I've ever been subjected to. Seriously people? You think that teenager fanning her face with the most dramatic (and see-through) fake crying act I've ever seen was funny? It was downright insulting!

I found that ad insulting in two ways:

1) That this chick actually thought she'd created a personal ad that was realistic. Please, I know personal ads by pathetic creatures who are actually sincere in their pleas for love; that was obviously a desperate attempt by someone who is trying to show she has a sense of humor. Her dialogue might as well have been, "Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me! Look at me! I'm funny! Look at me!" As a master of the "Look at me! I'm funny!" dance, I am saddened by this mediocre performance by someone who should obviously wait a few more years before publicly exposing herself to the internet community. (Or not, I'm sure she's getting a shit-ton of money for that display).

2) That people actually think that cat ladies would actually make a personal ad like that. PLEASE! Have none of you been reading anything I've written in the last few months? She had no cat hair on her shirt, her hair was free of split ends, and she didn't have four kittens sitting behind her. Ridiculous!

Anyway, as I had so many individuals feel the need to share that video with me, I think they deserve to see my response to that unfortunate thing that was put up on YouTube (tm).

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Dear Debbie,

Yesterday I had the unique experience of watching your EHarmony (tm) video expressing your wish for a soul-mate. Wow. That was... special. I am sure you put a lot of thought and effort into creating that... interesting video. I'll give the whole thing a C+ based on effort and creativity, but I thought I might offer a few pointers for the next time you attempt to a) make a personal ad pretending to be a desperate woman looking for love, and b) portray yourself as a cat lady (which you obviously are NOT).

The first thing you did wrong was your wardrobe. Cat ladies do not wear form-fitting tank tops. They wear cardigans and shapeless blouses. Even if they are young enough to wear tight shirts, you will never ever see them in a black shirt. Yes, the shirt might have started out as black, but within four minutes of sitting in her living room the shirt would have been a dark grey, at the darkest, due to the insane amount of cat hair that would have been attached to that shirt like leeches would've been administered to a sick patient in the middle ages.

Next, what was with all that hair flipping? Any self-respecting cat owner knows that when using the computer you never have one free hand, let alone two, available to tuck hair. The minute your cat(s) realize you are trying to do something that does not involve them they will instantly be drawn to your lap like frat boys to heavily intoxicated blonds at a kegger. You would then find yourself with a hand pinned down by a cat and the other hand barely escaping thing demanding head bumps that would be mauling it in an effort to make sure you pay attention to the feline rather than the video camera/TV/computer/sewing project/life-saving surgery you were originally focused on.

That brings me to my third (and probably most obvious) point, where was your CAT? You're sitting in an armchair, speaking in a voice that belongs on a cartoon show with dancing lollipops and some moderately frightening older man talking to children about dental hygiene, and you have no cat. Seriously, Debbie? You're weeping over your love of cats and how you want them all to live with you so you can put them in bow-ties and baskets and on rainbows (what the fuck? RAINBOWS????) and you don't have a single cat around you. With as much as you were professing to love cats you would be a Stage 5 Cat Lady. You wouldn't have been able to walk by a cat/kitten needing a place to live without picking it up and taking it with you. At least as many as would fit in your little apartment. That would involve you having at least 2 adult cats and close to 4 kittens in your home. (Who knows how many strays you would be feeding off your back porch). There would be litter, cat toys, and lint brushes on every open surface in your house, including the arms of your chair, as well as your fair share of cat puke stains on the back of said chair. AND, as we all know, cat ladies introduce their cats to any potential date before anything else happens, even a hand-shake. No cat lady would even consider a dating ad that didn't have at least three images of her cats. Even if you were trying to keep the cats out of the video to protect their privacy, we could hear your voice. If you had actually filmed that video in earnest we wouldn't have been able to hear you over the sounds of pissed off cats that were being ignored so you could focus on that ridiculous contraption that was making noise and taking your attention away from them ignoring you.

You obviously have no idea what cat ladies are like (effing rainbow cats) and it showed, a lot, in that horrific video I was subjected to. And I, for one, am disgusted and insulted that you had the nerve to release that video and claim to be one of us. I didn't see a single redeeming quality in that entire video until you finally turned it off. You couldn't even have the decency to use eye drops to make it look like you were actually crying. No self-respecting female, cat lady or not, can't produce a few alligator tears when needed. You should be ashamed of yourself. You should be forced to wear nothing but cat-lady paraphernalia for the next six months in punishment. And I mean down to the earrings that match the socks that match the hideous, quilted handbag with the images of misshapen cartoon cats in odd colors. You aren't even fit to clean my cat's litter box because you probably wouldn't be able to figure out which end of the scoop to use. Go back to what you're good at, like applying make-up and talking to boys, and leave us alone!

Much obliged,

Phoebe

PS... Please brush your hair. Cat ladies might use the same brush they use on their cats, but we all manage to use a brush before going on video.

4 comments:

  1. I thought the video was funny. But you are even funnier. Love it!

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  2. She is a stupid bimbo. She does not even get a cap "B".
    You are a real Cat Lady. She should feel honored that you even bothered to spit in disgust under your breath.

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  3. HAHA! Love it! I was seriously grumbling about the whole thing while I was watching it. The only people that understood what I was bitching about were my fellow cat ladies. And she has no idea how to make a disturbing dating video that seems at least somewhat realistic.

    ReplyDelete